Crispy Cat Chronicles

Long time no see

2009-08-22T09:00:00.002-04:00

You know, I don't know if anyone still reads this blog but I just felt like for old times sake coming back to say hi.
I am no longer working for Crispy Cat, in fact no one is.
the company changed hands and everyone got let go. It was really sad and I miss my job so much, but what can you do, bad economy and all that stuff so I guess you just have to say eff it and move on, right?

So I wanted to read some old posts and I went to the website b/c for a long time my blog was still up there, but I guess the new CC people were not feeling it and it was taken down. For a split second I panicked thinking that my blog had been erased and with it all the good memories of my time with CC along with it. Then I remembered that the blog was on Blogspot and that it could not be erased *Whew*.

Stu actually set me up with a new blog spot but i forgot the password and all that and honestly blogging for the company was a lot more fun than blogging for myself.

Who knows maybe I should contact the new CC people and see if they want me to do their blog.

Anyway nice chatting with you all again.

Fan of the Month Contest.

2008-12-01T12:23:00.002-05:00

I always think no one ever reads this blog, until we run a contest that is and then I see all the fans we have. So since you love to get free stuff and we like to give free stuff away we are now having a contest that happens every month. That's right every month you have the chance to win a free box of Crispy Cats! That is 12 bars people!
Of course you have to do something to win but its so easy. All you have to do is be your wonderful, fabulous, candy loving self and you can win. Just email us a short note about how much you love our candy bars and include a photo of yourself with the candy and you just might be the winner. Its just that easy! So go ahead and email all your love to info@crispycatcandybars.com please don't put it in the comments section . Of course feel free to put my fan mail in the comments section. So now you know and I can't wait to see all the things people send in.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, I sure did even though my food makes my mother"sad". She gets sad because I won't eat all the meat and the dairy and cakes and pies. She did make me vegan apple turnovers and they were so good everyone wanted them. I felt sad when I saw her turkey, its legs were tied together with string . I think that is what was truly *sad* about Thanksgiving. But I did not mention it because I didn't want to be that person...I just wanted to enjoy my food and let people enjoy their food. Even if I don't agree with their food, Thanksgiving day at the table is not the palace to try and convert people to being vegetarian. So for the day I gave it a rest.
Next up Christmas!!!!

LEAF Trade show and other stuff.

2008-10-23T16:44:00.004-04:00

I love what Stu has done to the blog. He is so artsy and cleaver. But he refuses to redo my hair in the short style that I have it in now. Just for the record I got a "Rosemary's baby" inspired do and ditched my high maintenance long hair. And Stu refuses to acknowledge it by re-drawing my hair. Whatever Stu.

Lets get down to business. LEAF. It was just here last weekend. In case you aren't a local, LEAF stands for the Lake Eden Arts Festive and it is one HUGE hippy gathering. We have a booth both in the fall and spring and I usually end up working some of it. This year I took my close personal friend Sadie with me. She was a hit with all the crunchy, stinky people walking around! Let me just say for the record that I have lived in a lot of places and I love living here with all the stinky, crunchy people the best. So no offense if you have dirty hair and bedraggled clothing, I love and enjoy you. Anyway LEAF was LEAF. Danny Dryer the author of Chi Running was there and that was totally exciting for me. That book totally changed the way I run, if your into running or you want to run but think you can't because it hurts your knees check it out. Danny Dryer now lives here in Asheville and is having a Chi Running workshop on November 1st.

Also the guys just came back from trade show. I went last year and it was so much fun. This year it was in Boston. I was jealous I couldn't go but I don't think I could have done much with the baby dangling off my hip. But according to Eric and Joel they had a lot of fun and even had an adventurous cab ride that I am not allowed to blog about because according to Eric its "inappropriate". Wow when did things become inappropriate around here? The times they are a changing. For reals.
According to Joel people from all over the world are interested in Crispy Cat. Well I'm not surprised we are awesome. Not to mention that if you can't eat gluten or dairy it is the only candy bar on the market. True there are flat chocolate bars but nothing like a real candy bar.
If you don't believe me just look for yourself the next time you are at your local health food store. Don't forget, if your local store doesn't carry us you can always request them too and if you post a store you want me to send samples too in the comments section I will do my best to get them to carry us! I am quite a convincing sales person if I do say so myself. In the past people have done that and I have been able to get Crispy Cats in their area!

Cheap shoes and a no effort pumpkin patch!

2008-10-13T13:58:00.003-04:00

I was just revisiting some of the old posts in the archive...wow .Its interesting to see how much life changes in the course of a year. Enough reminiscing, that was then and this is now time to move on.

So I went to Target and found that shopping for vegan shoes can be a lot cheaper than buying leather. I know on line you can find fancy expensive vegan shoes but you can also just go to Target or Payless and not feel like a cheep ass for doing it. Before I would be embarrassed if I got shoes at Payless, like I was admitting I am poor and don't have great taste. But now I feel self satisfied and smug, superior even saying I buy my shoes at Target and Payless because they're vegan. The truth is it is awesome to get a pair of shoes for $10 (they were on sale). I also like it because it saves me time by having less choices. Less to look at, less to think about and less to choose from. Much easier than having to mull over a ton of different shoes and then feel like a jerk for paying too much for a pair of shoes.

Halloween is coming and I want to give a little tip on how to grow a pumpkin patch with little to no effort.
Last year I got a white pumpkin and I put it on the stone wall in front of my house. It was so pretty and festive and I felt really good about it when I would come home and see it sitting there. After Halloween came and went and it survived Halloween night I just forgot about it. Then Ted noticed that it was rotting on the wall. I continued to ignore it. It rotted further and still I pretended not to see it. Eventually when it was half gone I slam dunked it by the garbage can on trash day. The garbage man refused to pick it up so it just rotted and composted by my mailbox. last year it looked like a very lazy person lived at my house, this year it looks like a PUMPKIN PATCH under my mailbox. That's right we have a real pumpkin patch growing by the mailbox complete with a white pumpkin. I love that pumpkin patch so much and I check on the pumpkin everyday! So this year just chuck your pumpkin where ever you want to have pumpkins and then ignore it and by next year you can brag to everyone you know about your awesome pumpkin patch!

Vegan party food for a non-vegan crew...

2008-09-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

On Friday night I hosted a small intimate gathering to celebrate my friend Murry's special day. Just a few people were coming, none of them are vegan. I struggled with the idea of making food for them that was non-vegan, I would never cook meat but I didn't know what to do about the pizza I was making. Should I do dairy on it for them and then a non-dairy pizza for me? As I stood in the grocery store mulling over my options I decided that I would serve the food I wanted and let people decided if it was something they wanted to eat.

I made a vegan pizza with a tons of veggies and nutritional yeast sprinkled on top along with hummus and carrots and my friend Sarah made a vegan split pea soup. For desert I tried my hand at vegan baking....not so great. The brownies tasted OK but looked like molten lava and smelled like carcinogens. They were definitely not the kind of yummy treat that you could cut a square of, it was more like you took a spoonful and tried not to burn off the first few layers of skin on your tongue. Over all the food was OK. I need to learn some new recipes and expand my horizons. I'm not really a "foodie" so it doesn't bother me to eat a baked potato with melted rice cheese every night.

If any of our fans have some great vegan party food recipes that they love please send em' in. We are going to start doing profiles on our "special" readers in upcoming issues of our newsletter, sort of like the "Reader Spotlight" in vegnews. So send in any tidbits you might have laying around in your head and you just might end up a winner!!

Is this the end of the world?

2008-09-25T11:39:00.003-04:00

Here in Asheville NC and the surrounding area it feels like Armageddon when trying to get gas. I don't know about other places but here if you want gas you have to wait in line for sometimes 2 hours. Cars will be backed up so bad they need the police there to direct traffic and break up fist fights. For reals people were fighting at the gas station. Cars are abandoned on the side of the highway, its pretty creepy.
This inspired me to be even more dedicated to my cause to drive as little as possible and challenge myself to find ways to get by without a car. Now I have to drive to work twice a week. I live too far to walk and I don't have a bike. I could try running to work but it would be a really long run, I think I could make it there but getting home might be another story. Luckily for me I live in a small town where I can walk to most everything. Here is an example of how I am saying FO to the oil companies......
When I got home on Tuesday my baby jogger had arrived and Teddydigital had already put it together for me (yay)! So yesterday after Sadie's nap I planned out what errands I needed to run. I put the baby in the running stroller and headed out. First we walked to the movie place and returned a movie and got a new movie. Then we walked over to the gas station to see if there was a long line for gas (just out of curiosity) and of course there was. By the way this is the universe's way of punishing all those people who don't care about our environment and drive SUVs. Now all the SUV people have to wait on the gas lines every few days because most places have a $40 limit on gas. Not to mention how much gas costs now. Anyway, so after that I picked up the pace and I did my run while pushing the baby. We ran for 45 minutes and then we walked over to the pharmacy so I could pick up something and then instead of just heading home we walked around town. It was a lot of fun. I did not drive the car once. Another thing I have been doing is reliving my days of living in NYC when it comes to getting groceries. Instead of doing a huge trip once a week I have been walking over to the store every day or so and just getting the things we need for that day. Its actually very nice and very enjoyable. Since the gas crisis I have been spending more time outside getting fresh air and exercise and I think its really improving the quality of my life.
Please, if you want to share your story about how you are adapting to the gas crisis or just how you are trying to change your habits to help the environment please post it in the comments and I will put it in the blog!

Crispy Cat Candy Bars go to Hollywood!

2008-09-23T15:06:00.005-04:00

Guess where the front man and fearless leader of Crispy Cat was this weekend?...at the Emmys! That's right Joel Schantz founder and CEO of Crispy Cat went to the Emmys and rubbed elbows with a ton of clebs including Ben from Lost. Joel is not a Lost fan but Eric and I are so we were super excited to hear about that. We are currently waiting for the disk with all the pictures but when it comes in Stu and I are going to put up the pics for everyone to see! Apparently all the beautiful people in Hollywood love Crispy Cats just as much as the rest of us. Don't worry Asheville we will always love our tried and true hippie fans here at home, after all you are the ones that made us the hot shots that we are today! So check back to see all the pictures of the beautiful models and actresses lovin' on Joel.

On another note we here at Crispy Cat are interested to know how you are finding creative ways to have fun while saving gas. I keep seeing things about people organizing stay at home weeks and other stuff like that and I am curious to know what the creative and eco-aware Crispy Cat fans do. I know you guys do something so what the heck is it?...I'm running out of ideas for stuff to do on the days I am not a work! Just post it in the comments section and I will put it into the blog!

A green tip for the bored stay at home Mom...

2008-09-18T12:22:00.004-04:00

At the moment I am only working 2 days a week. This gives me 5 full, glorious days to stay at home and do my other job...mothering Sadie! While being a Mom is the best thing I have ever done I will admit that sometimes I get stir crazy being at home all day. Here is where I get into a pickle....do I hang out around the house all day and avoid driving because gas is so expensive? or do I waste gas and go somewhere just to go somewhere? It is a very hard call because I hate nothing more than wastefulness, it is a serious pet peeve of mine. And now we are in a gas crisis because of hurricane Ike. We could not even get gas last week and it cost a fortune when I did get it. But what is a Mom to do? Well necessity is the mother of all invention as they say and so I decided that I was going to figure out fun things to do that did not involve driving and therefore help to free myself from my gas dependence. Here is what I did.......

While Sadie napped I got her stroller ready and then hung her cloth diapers out on the line. By the way nothing is worse than disposable diapers when it comes to waste. I use cloth 90% of the time, I will admit that I use one or two disposables at night. After she woke up and ate and got changed I popped her into her stroller and we set out. I needed to pay the water bill so instead of driving to the town hall or wasting the stamp we walked. It only took us 15 minuets to get to town and I noticed that Sadie did not make a peep the entire way, she just sat mesmerized by everything she was seeing. She is just now big enough to sit in the stroller without the car seat so instead of having to look just at me she can see the whole world. After we paid the water bill I decided that we were having too much fun to go home so we walked to the other side of town to take care of some errands we had to run. Along the way we stopped and chatted with a girl that wanted to say hi to Sadie and then we bumped into an old friend near the supermarket and we chatted with her for awhile. Then we ran some errands and set back to our house which was a good distance away, but we were totally enjoying being out and all the fresh air so we didn't mind. When we got to our street I noticed that my neighbor was out with her 6 month old and so I stopped at her house and chatted with her. Funny how she lives down the street and we have kids around the same age and we never stop and talk! But because I was walking we were able to connect. By the time I got home we had been out having fun and interacting with people and getting exercise and fresh air for over 2 hours! All without contributing to the thrashing of our environment or our bank account! Amazing!
That night I got to thinking about other ways that we can spend our day with out being cooped up and without hurting our environment. I decided to take the plunge and invest in a running stroller. I figure that instead of driving 20 minutes to the gym to have the daycare watch Sadie while I work out I could get a jogger and we can run together. Now, I didn't cancel my membership because there will be rainy days and freezing cold days too where we will need to get out. Even though the jogging stroller was sort of pricey I think in the long run it is a worthwhile investment. It cuts down on having to use my treadmill or drive to the gym or use workout DVDs that involve using the TV and best of all it is a way for us to have family time because now Teddydigital and I can run together instead of taking turns with watching the baby!
If you are a mom and you have tips for fun and earth friendly ways to spend the days please let me know we will put them in the next blog!!

Animal groups We Love!!!

2008-09-15T14:18:00.002-04:00

Farm Sanctuary is one of my personal favorites when it comes to animal organizations. Over the years we have donated a lot of product to various events that they have held to help farm animals in need.
One of the best things about them is that they do a lot of education. So in keeping with the theme that being vegan is a snap I want to share a resource that makes it that much easier. First off Farm Sanctuary has a guide to compassionate living and we are featured in it along with many other companies that make vegan food, clothing and other products. It is a great resource to find alternatives for all the stuff you can't live without.
They all so have a website www.vegforlife.org and that will take you step by step through all the ins and outs of making a transition to vegetarianism or veganism lifestyle. It is very gentle and helpful and has a ton of information all in one easy to access and organized place. If you're curious about Farm Sanctuary and what they do you can check out their website www.farmsanctuary.com and if you are in the Watkins Glen area you can even take a tour and see all the animals that they have rescued and given a second chance to live a peaceful life!

Being vegan is a snap!

2008-09-11T12:13:00.003-04:00

I'm back!! After a long and wonderful maternity leave I am back in the office a few days a week! So now I am back and ready to entertain and educate the masses on green living, animal issues and all that other good stuff that we here at Crispy Cat really care about!

One of the things that we here at Crispy Cat really want to express is that being vegan is so much eaiser than you might think...really, being vegan is a snap!! I had no problem giving up meat, I always thought it was disgusting and I always thought it tasted like it looks...nasty! But dairy was another issue all together, I was totally addicted to cheese. I really felt guilty though eating cheese and not being a vegan because I love animals so freaking much and I felt heartsick over the idea that I was contributing to the suffering of animals. Then the best thing ever happened to me...I found out that my daughter is allerigc to dairy. Since I breastfeed the doctor told me to cut out all dairy and because I would do anything for Sadie I immediately did. It was not even a question for me, I just did it and at first I did miss cheese and I craved it. But after a little while it just went away. I would say that by the time 2 weeks had passed I never even thought about it. Now it's been months and I don't miss it at all, in fact I feel better than ever. For the first time my digestion is great, perfect even and I almost never feel bloated. I heard somewhere that it takes 3 weeks for your taste buds to forget the way something tastes and I have found that to be true. Plus there are so many different and tasty things to eat instead. And that brings me to my next point...we here want to show anyone who might be struggling to make the leap just how easy and painless it can be. I am going to showcase vegans that we love and vegan recipes and all sorts of other good stuff, and to our Celiac people don't worry I have not forgotten you we will also bring you some gluten-free tidbits as well.
If you have a great story about going vegan let me know and we will put you in the blog and perhaps even in the newsletter!

B is for Bird Dog

2008-06-26T11:51:00.002-04:00

and that is what a golden retriever is...a bird dog. A dog that is bread to go out hunting and retrieve the poor ducks from the water after an evil, nasty hunter shoots them. A man like Dick Chaney who was hunting baby quail when he shot that Texas layer, would need such a dog to gingerly bring back the little quail that he murdered.
I have no such need for this type of service from my Golden. However, nature is in charge and so when I rescued this gentle giant I had to take the good with the bad. The good being is a loving, easy going, over sized lap dog. The bad being he has an infinity for bring dead birds in to the house. This is what happened last week when he dropped a dead bird on our arm chair. This also happened this morning when he raced into the house with something in his mouth and was whining and racing around. All I saw was the little stick-like bird legs poking out of one side of his mouth. I told him to get the hell out of the house and he mistook that for DROP BIRD. It was so vile. This poor mangled bird laying on my kitchen floor. I just put my hands over my eyes and started screaming as my brother-in-law who is vising had to get a paper towel and toss it back outside. Then of course Otto ran back outside and retrieved it and stood on the porch looking in with this little bird in his lips wondering what the big deal was. Gross, and he wants to lick the baby.

So I need to win the lottery so I can open an animal sanctuary for all the dogs and cats and other pets that are homeless due to the high amount of foreclosures. Either that or someone can donate the money to me. Well just let me know if anyone out there is interested. Thanks.

Mastitis is a pain in the breast.

2008-06-21T23:25:00.002-04:00

Well my clogged milk duct turned into full on mastitis, WOW mastitis is no joke. Despite taking the antibiotics my body still decided that it wanted to go there and so what was once just a relatively painful experience turned in to a nightmare that can only be compared to something not quite as horrible as labor pains but pretty freaking close. I was out of commission for a few days and now I am on the mend and feeling a little better. Resting and taking it easy has never been my strong suit but the fear of this thing coming back or getting worse is enough for me to get in bed and rest.

On another scary note I finally got on the scale. I waited till Sadie was one month old before doing this. All I can really say about that experience was that it was so traumatic and so devastating that I could not even get upset. It was like my mind could not even process that number so it just went into some sort of trance and I just looked at the number again to make sure and then like a person who just had their brains eaten by zombies I stepped off the scale and staggered away. I have never ever weighed this much, not EVER except being pregnant and that doesn't count. So instead of getting completely ill and just losing it I have resigned myself to the fact that I need to lose a good amount of weight and that it is going to take some time and that I am just going to have to do and not get crazy. Easier said than done. It doesn't help that this boob infection has me sidelined from running for a while until it heals.

That is the update on me. The baby is doing great. She was a month old on Friday and she may not be plumping up much but she is getting longer and longer. I think she is going to have Teddydigitals body, long and lean. She is smiling all the time and has laughed out loud 3 times. The first laugh was at Crispy Cat headquarters when Liliha was holding her, it was so precious. I am going to have to figure out how to get pictures on this blog so the world can view the beauty of Sadie, I know all Moms think that but seriously my kid is gorgeous and also a genius. Pray for my boob everyone!

Ouch

2008-06-18T17:13:00.002-04:00

I have a clogged milk duct. It hurts like freaking hell. It is 5 seconds from mastitis so I am on antibiotics and pain meds. The pain meds are because I am supposed to keep nursing on the bad boob and I am supposed to massage it and put compresses on it. Just looking at the bad boob makes me want to scream and jump off the roof it hurts so bad.

All I want to say today is this.....MEN DO NOT GET IT.
You may be asking what do they not get? Anything.
Yes that is right they just do not understand and I have given up trying to explain it anymore, it just pisses me off. So when my husband looks at me and tells me he is tired I just don't say anything anymore because I know that he might be tired but I also know he was not the one up all night either. And when I ask for a mere 45 mins to myself to go running and I ask him to look after the babe and he acts like he is doing me some colossal favor I just remind myself that in this state murder is a crime punishable by prison.

And THAT is all I have to say about THAT.
Come talk to me when your tit is about to fall off buddy!

Did I give birth to Fidel Castro?

2008-06-16T12:27:00.002-04:00

Who knew that a dictator could be so cute. I think this is the trick to trying to have a dictatorship....just be really freaking cute and the people won't care. I wondered this to myself this morning about the person running my house now. I wondered how dose such a small person have so much control over me? I can't take a shit unless she says OK, that is literal too. If Teddydigital is at work and she and I are alone and I have to go to the bathroom and she wants to be held....well then I have to hold her AND hold my bladder. Its that or put her down and listen to heartbreaking screams while I feel like the worst mother on the planet. I usually just hold it.

After a late night all I wanted was a shower this morning. But Sadie told me no. I begged and bargained and tried to bribe her but nothing. I finally put her into what I call a "boob coma" she drank a bunch of milk and passed out. I know better though than to put her down before she is really passed out, if she is slightly awake she will scream and I will have to start the whole process over again. So I waited until I saw her little tongue poke out of her mouth and her entire body go limp then I gently laid her down. I just stood there looking at her in her little yellow jumper with her little tiny body and wondered if Castro had been this cute he probably could have taken over the entire world. So now I am taking a break from gathering all the dirty clothes off the floor of our bedroom to wax poetic about the baby and how cute she is and how she is a master of mind control already at just 3 1/2 weeks old. I am so proud of her, perhaps one day she will take over a small country or maybe even this one. She will be a ruthless tyrant for sure, ruling with an iron fist and she will probably erect statues of her favorite thing, the boob. Big golden monuments of my boob.

OK enough of this...I have to do laundry and I am waiting for Fed Ex to deliver my diaper bag. I neglected to pick one up so the hospital gave me one filled with formula. I feel like a jerk carrying a bag around that says SIMILAC on it. At some point I want to cover the topic of baby snatchers, I have a plan if anyone ever tries to snatch my baby and I want to discuss it in an up coming post.

Sexy Mama? No, I think not.

2008-06-15T11:13:00.002-04:00

There is nothing sexy about the postpartum period if you ask me. I know that there are people who would disagree and say that a woman who just became a mother is at her most beautiful and in an abstract, spiritual sort of way they are correct. In a much more vain and physical way I believe they are wrong. I don't know if it is the fact that after many months I have finally seen my bush again and it is terrifying! It was hidden under my huge belly and I stopped being able to see it at around 6 months pregnant and since I could not see it I just pretended it did not exist. That was a mistake. Now it is so over grown and crazy I don't know how or where to begin, so once again I am pretending it dose not exist. Another thing that resurfaced after my belly went down a bit were some stretch marks that I did not know were there. I thought I had escaped them but they were just hiding on the underside of my enormous belly and were not visible until some of the swelling went down. But at this point it doesn't even matter, I mean really. I just consider them a badge of honor. By the way Sadie is wearing little pants today with duckies on the feet and they are so freaking cute! Hemorrhoids are another thing that are not so sexy. And the fact that I have had to wear a maxi pad non-stop and a very unattractive nursing bra only add to this feeling. A few of the other things include the jacked up body and the still wearing of maternity clothes because my tiny little pre -pregnancy jeans are a total joke.

HOWEVER.......I will gladly never wear size 0 jeans again if it means I can stare at a baby wearing little duckie pants. I don't mind nursing all freaking night long if I can see one little smile in the morning. I think I can settle for being a size 2 though. Not that I am any where near that right now but I think if I give myself a few months I can get there.

So those are my thoughts on the postpartum period. I wish I was more spiritual or more hippieish and could say that I look like a beautiful goddess and am loving my engorged boobs and sore ass. Sorry. That would be dishonest. Besides how much fun would that be?

Tired is the new well rested

2008-06-12T16:57:00.002-04:00

Thank God I have never been the type to need tons of sleep. Don't get me wrong I am better on more sleep rather than less but I am coming to find out about myself that I can do a lot more than I thought. Being a Mom has showed me that I am a much stronger person than I previously may have thought. Or it might be that being a Mom has just made me a stronger person...dare I say a "better" person. Maybe just a different person. Anyway I am into the new me regardless. I still have my moments of getting ill and cranky but something has shifted. Perhaps it is that little lady that hangs out with me all day and all night. She is showing me new things everyday about myself and about life.

Life as a Crispy Cat staffer at home is filled with the excitement and adventure. By adventure I mean going to the store with a baby and by excitement I mean learning to nurse on my side while I am still semi-asleep. We went for a little walk at the Botanical Gardens today with our pal Jess and little Lou and we had a great time talking about all the stuff that people who don't have a new baby don't want to talk about. Than we changed diapers and breastfed in some sort of gazebo. It was nice and afterwards Sadie and I were really pooped so we went to my Moms to mooch some lunch and then came back here.

Tomorrow I am going to the office to see all my work friends and I am so excited for them to meet Sadie. I am sure that she will love everyone! And I know they will all love her (they better).

5 4 3 2 1 lets run......

2008-06-09T13:54:00.002-04:00

I thought that after the baby was born I was going to be really ill over my post pregnancy body, but much to my surprise I have not been that distraught. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I have bigger fish to deal with and that for once it is not all about me.
Having a kid showed me how self-obsessed I really was...crazy! Now I can see that even though having a fit healthy body is important, it is not the only thing in life and I don't have to go insane trying to recapture my figure right away. At first I thought that if I did not look like I did before with in a month than the world was all wrong and I would not be able to go on. But here I am 2 1/2 weeks into it and I have a belly that is like a big gummy bear and no abs in sight, I won't even get into my legs and arms and I am sort of OK with it. I trust that my body knows how to get back to what nature intended. Besides when you don't sleep and you have a baby that is a fuss-a-dufflus there is little time for body fixations.
Now this is not to say that I am 100% at peace with my body, but its way less of a mind eff than I thought it would be.

On another note I have started running again...sort of. This was the longest I have been inactive in many years and trust me I needed the rest. But then a few days ago I got the itch to run and so I handed over the babe to Teddydigital and ran for 20 minuets on my treadmill. Now, in the past I would never have counted 20 mins as a "run" but considering the circumstance I felt like i just ran a marathon and I was just as proud. The next day I gave my self a rest and than today I ran for 25 mins. It felt really good. Slow and steady and soon enough I will be back to real running. Though running a few weeks after giving birth feels pretty real to me. I am certain that the reason that I have recovered so quickly is because I worked out up until the end. I ran until 34 weeks and then just went to the gym and did all the boring machines. I still got cellulite but at least I was not bound to my bed for weeks trying to get over the trauma of birth.

Anyway in case you have not heard, we are running a contest so you might want to get in on some of this action and win yourself some free candy.
All you need to do is whip up an original desert using a Crispy Cat, make sure its vegan and make double sure that its awesome. Take a picture and email it with a description of your creation to info@crispycat.com.

I miss the art department....

2008-06-06T22:10:00.002-04:00

Right now instead of blogging I should be trying to sleep because at any moment my precious baby could wake up and decided to have a party. At this party will only be two other people besides Sadie, one will be me and one will be Teddydigital. There is no getting out of this party and it could rage on and on until the break of dawn. Luckily the party's have not been to crazy with the exception of a few nights, one of them being last night. Anyway I miss the office a little.
Don't get me wrong I love being at home with Sadie and doing the Mom thing, it is the coolest job I have ever had. The pay sucks and the hours are sorta long but everything else is great. But I have to say I miss going to Crispy Cat headquarters. I liked coming into work and having a bunch of emails from people. I even liked getting annoyed by some of the emails I got from people. I liked making sales calls and talking to people from different animal organizations and giving them donations and getting to talk to all the other groups that needed candy for their events.
But I especial loved the people I worked with. That is what I think I miss the most. I loved seeing Joel at the gym before work and then when he gets to work I like asking how was your workout? I like seeing Eric come in and head to the coffee pot and then chatting his ear off and I especially loved the time of day when I would see Stu and his bike come rolling in. The art department and community relations share a space and Stu is the best work space buddy a person could hope for. I sure miss all our chats. I even miss busting Ari's chops.....
Well I am going to try to make it to the office on Monday with the babe.
Just so the people out there know...we have the best office to work in. If you have to be in an office, our office is it....
Don't forget our contest....most original use of a Crispy Cat in a Vegan dessert! Take a picture and send it in and win big!!!

Another cool contest.....

2008-06-04T12:00:00.002-04:00

Now that I have had my baby and we have had 6 winners for the contest I guess its time for another chance for all our fans to win some more free candy bars!!!
We are looking for the most creative use of a Crispy Cat in a vegan desert. All you have to do is send a photo of your creation and you stand to win mucho amounts of candy bars!!! I am sure with all the creative people out there someone has some great idea that they have been sitting on, so now is the chance to cash in on it. What other company loves giving away free candy bars as much as we do? So think of a good one and take a photo and send us a little description of your yummy vegan desert and you just might be the next big winner!

Well, now that we have the business stuff handled let me fill you in on life as a Crispy Cat staffer on maternity leave. There is a whole lot of nothing going on and at the same time a whole lot happening. I know that all the moms out there know what I am talking about. So far today I have changed diapers, washed diapers, nursed non-stop, fed some dogs and waited for the moment when I think it is safe to take Sadie out of the Maya wrap and put her down for a second so I can take a shower. I would always hear new moms talking about how it was hard to fit in showers and I never got it.....until now. After a long night of breast feeding and calming a fussy baby I got up and expected Sadie to sleep like she usually dose all day but this morning she decided that she was not in to going into her little moses basket, instead she wanted to be held.. .........or else. So hold her I did and I did it with joy because I love my baby and I love being a Mom and that is what Moms do, they hold fussy babies. But after a while it did start to get really hot. She is like a little furnace and I am now covered in sweat and breast milk and just hoping that I can put her down for 10 minuets with out her noticing. I am finally starting to understand all the things that people with kids are always talking about. I am starting to see why people who have a new baby have houses that looked trashed, because when she is finally just resting the last thing I feel like doing is dishes. Anyway enough of all that, on Monday I plan on bring her over to the office to meet all the people I work with. I think it will be fun for her to meet all the voices she listened to while sitting in my belly.

OK so just to sum it up........think of a yummy vegan desert that uses a Crispy Cat.
Take a picture of it....send it in......the most creative wins a load of Crispy Cat Candy Bars. Send your entries to info@crispycatcandybars.com
Good luck!!!

School is in session....

2008-05-31T12:59:00.003-04:00

Everyday I learn something new about being a mom. Today I learned that if you are hungry but your baby is fussy, you starve. That's OK it will help me shed my baby weight, but I could just see with new found X-ray vison that there was delicious food in the fridge so I put Sadie in a hand-me-down maya wrap someone gave me as was able to eat a little. Wraps and slings seem to be a life saver, luckily I have a bunch of them.
I also learned that baby's seem to do what ever they want and they don't care about being consistent. Just when I think I know what she will do next she dose something totally different.
Another interesting fact is that when you hear a squirt in the diaper, don't run to change it just yet...wait a second because usually another squirt is on the way. A friend of ours named Kelly gave us a bunch of really great all in one cloth diapers and I love them, but it sucks to have to wash them so now I have a rule of Thumb that we have to wait when we hear the squirt.
Something Else I am loving is the fact that everyday my gummy bear tummy gets a little smaller. Last week when I left the hospital I looked 6 months pregnant. Now I look about 4 months pregnant, and like I had a boob job too.
I am dying to go for a walk.....the Doctor said Sadie could not go out places till she was 2 weeks old and I am going a little stir crazy. We are allowed however to go walking and outside. Physically I feel fine, not quite ready to run yet but definitely ready to walk. I think in about 2 weeks or so I will be running again. I guess everyone was right about working out while pregnant, makes recover easier and faster. So today I will attempt perhaps to put her in her stroller and take her on a little walk around the neighborhood.
Anyway that is all I have for the moment......I really miss eating mint coconut bars. I forgot how good I had it being able to eat Crispy Cats whenever I wanted.

Make like a fetus and head out.....

2008-05-28T15:47:00.002-04:00

OK here is how it all went down......(my birth story)

So on Tuesday of last week my water sort of broke. I say sort of because it was not totally ruptured, just leaking. I called the Dr and went in and they were not sure if that was it but they told me to call back if I did not go into labor that night. Well, when I did not go into labor that night I went into work the next day. But when I called to tell my Dr that I did not go into labor they made me come into the office. They did some tests and sure enough it looked like my water was broken. It seems that the baby scratched a hole in the sack and the water was just leaking and that is why I was not going into labor. Now, to be fair we can't be sure that the baby caused the leak but that is what they think happened. Anyway much to my horror and shock they told me that I needed to get induced because I had been leaking for all most 2 days and the baby could get infected if I did not have her soon. I was devastated. My plan was to have a natural labor and delivery and I knew that when you get induced with pitiocine it is a different story as far as what the contractions and labor look like. So all teary eyed I called Teddy and we went to the hospital.

Well the long and short of it is that I labored for 12 hours. 7 of those hours were drug free. The evil medicine that they give you to induce your labor is so hideous and painful I can not begin to describe it. All I can say is that I went from no contractions to out of no where the worst pain I have ever experienced. Luckily I had my Douala and Ted there to help me. Poor Teddy, I puked in his face...more than once. The pain was so intense I was seeing double and thought I was going to pass out. Actually I was hoping to pass out because I thought then they might stop the piticone drip, I begged them to take that IV out but they were not into doing that, something about having to finish labor and all.
Eventually I gave in and asked for the drugs...I felt so defeated. I really wanted to do it naturally but like my Douala pointed out, having to be induced with drugs is not natural and the pain I was feeling is not how and normal labor feels. Normally the contractions build up gradually and there are breaks in between but with the piticone it just slams you all at once with out any real breaks to rest in between. So they came in and they gave me the drugs and I will be honest...I was so happy they did. The rest of the labor was much better and when it came time to push I pushed the baby out in 45 minutes.
When she came out and they put her on my chest, I forgot all about the labor pains, in fact I forgot about everything all I could do was cry as I held my little cone headed, blue skinned perfect little girl. It was the most life changing moment I have ever experienced. All those months spent miserable and pregnant were worth it. All those hormones that made me feel insane were gone and for the first time in 39 weeks, I felt really, really good. Just looking at this baby who looks just like Teddy was surreal and wonderful. Sadie lay skin to skin with me for the rest of the night and morning. She and Teddy bonded for a while while the nurse helped me deal with some other bloody, slimy business and then while Teddy slept I watched the sun come up over the mountains with my brand new baby.
Today Sadie is 5 days old. Its so weird but I can't really imagine life before her, it feels like she has always been here. Now that I am no longer pregnant I can say that I really did not like being pregnant. I did not want to say it before because I did not want Sadie to feel those vibes but the hormones and all that stuff was killing me. Being a mom is way better. I don't even mind being tired, it is all so worth it. I will take sore nipples and sleep deprivation over pregnancy woes any day of the week.
So that is the abbreviated story of how Sadie got here. I will continue to post while out on maternity leave. Stu is figuring out who won the contest and that person will get all there candy!! Thanks to everyone who participated in the contest!!!
Stay tuned for more exciting stories about Sadie, the baby who sleeps 23 hours a day and stories about my right breast that used to have the nipple pierced back in the early 90's when that was in Vogue and how now breast milk shoot out of the holes where the ring used to be!

The world seemed right all of a sudden. Teddy and I spent the next day in the hospital and then asked to be discharged early, they said OK and we left.

SADIE IS HERE!!!!

2008-05-24T19:54:00.003-04:00

On May 23 2008 at 3:06 am Sadie Sweeney came into this world! She weighed in at 7 lbs even and was 19 1/2 inches long. She is the most beautiful and precious baby I have ever seen and I am totally in love and bewitched by this little girl. I have never felt this way before and it is the best feeling I have ever experienced.

I am writing this while the little one naps and I was just sitting there staring at her on the couch obsessing about if she is getting enough to eat today because I nursed her awhile ago and she has been sleeping soundly ever since and I am having a hard time getting her to wake up. So I figured instead of just being a neuritic new mom I would let all the people know that she got here safe and sound. I will have someone from the office go into my computer to look at all the guess to see who the winner of our contest was. I will say that Jimmy Legs read my chart and told me that I would have this baby on May 23!!! He is a great astrologer so if you are in the market to get your chart read he is the man.

I will do a post on my birth story when it doesn't hurt so bad to sit on a chair, and I hear the baby stirring so I need to cut this short. All I will say for now is that even though I did not have the labor and birth I expected I have never been happier about things not going how I planned. I wanted and was hell bent on a natural labor and birth but had to get induced when my water started to leak and then broke and I never went into labor. But its Ok because the universe knows what its doing and I don't know how I ever lived before this baby and she is not even 48 hours old yet. We opted to leave the hospital a little early because we were all doing great and I was sick of nurses "Checking my pad" gross.

More later, thanks to everyone that endured this blog turning in to a pregnancy blog, it was one of the most fun parts about being pregnant. I loved bitching and complaining, it was a lot of fun. By the way my post baby body is really messed up! Teddydigital is calling my belly the "gummy bear". If not for the fact that he helped make this beautiful girl I would have killed him, but for some reason the baby has put me into a feel good trance where I don't feel like killing anyone anymore. It might be the lack of sleep. Stayed tuned for when I tell my birth story!!!

Please get a life.

2008-05-20T10:57:00.002-04:00

OK if you are a woman in your 40's and you are obsessed with your myspace page, please get a life. If you have the time and the intrest to change your background and your picture and your quotes almost daily than I think its time for you to perhaps look into getting a life. AND if Crispy Cat requests your friendship and puts nice comments on your relatively boring blog and you decided that you are too cool for us than I think you need to get some serious help. Obviously anyone that can't see how great of a company we are has a lot of problems and deserves our compassion and prayers, not our hate. So I will refrain from getting my hate on because I know how it feels to be a cuckoo cat lady. Can you tell I am a cranky pregnant lady whos due date is 5 days away.

Speaking of that this is my last week in the office and I am a little sad about it. But the time has come for me to go because I am so huge and I have lost the feeling in my right hand from pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome and my right eye is really dry and it is messing with my contacts, oh and my Doctor and my Douala told me to stop working. So I guess that is that.

A lot of people entered our contest and so far a lot of people have been disqualified because the date they picked has come and gone and I am still pregnant. But we sure do appreciate everyone participating and there are still a lot of people who have picked dates that are later in the month so we just have to wait and see!

I will obviously keep everyone updated and I will be doing my blog on maternity leave as well so I can fill you in on my new life as a Mom!

Getting closer.....

2008-05-15T11:26:00.002-04:00

I am 10 days away from one of my due dates now. However I have been going by my later due date which is May 30th so according to that due date I am 38 weeks today. According to my other one I am 38 1/2 weeks. Dumb I know. My Dr. told me I am the only person in the office with two due dates. Last night I had some cramps that were strong enough to wake me up, I got up out of bed to discover that Inky had peed all over our bedroom. I was so tired that I decided that I could only deal with one thing at a time and so I decided to deal with the pee and let Inky out into the yard to pee again. Every since he has been on that heart medication, which is a diuretic he has been a drinking and peeing machine. After I let him back in and tucked him back in to his bed I fell back asleep and since I woke up and was still pregnant I guess they were gas pains or something. Needless to say that today I am so tired I feel like the walking dead. After work I am going home putting on my pajamas and letting the dogs wait on me for a change.
We have so much drama at meal time in our house. Inkys anorexia is so unpredictable and annoying and Petuinas compulsive over eating and obsession with food combined with Otto's inability to fend of Petunia from eating his food is a little much. I have to watch Inky eat and coax him and beg him and make sure that Petunia, who is always hoovering near by dose not steal his food and his medication. She scarfs her food so fast and then watches the other dogs eat. The other day she pushed Otto aside and was eating his food and I had to pull her away and put her in the yard. He just stood there like a big dope letting her eat his food. Otto is 85 lbs and Petunia is 15 lbs. So this morning when I was not in the mood for dog hijinks's there I was begging Inky to eat and scolding Petunia and protecting Otto. These spoiled pups are in for a rude awakening when the baby comes. Teddydigital will be taking over the pup duty's for a while and who ever else comes to help. That is what I really will need help with, the care of my precious dogs and cat. Though Bigs I will say is very easy and requires little, he just wants his food left our for him and to be able to come and go as he pleases. He has much more of a life than the dogs. Bigs actually has friends outside of our little tribe, this also could be because he is allowed to go out on his own and the dogs are not allowed to run the neighborhood loose and care free.
Anyway that is all that is going on here. I am just waiting until I pop and passing the time. My life as I know it is about to change forever. I am looking forward to this new life, I just wish it would hurry up already and get here already.

Mary Kate Olsen and my brother's ass

2008-05-14T13:17:00.002-04:00

I saw some pictures of the hideous little gal going by the name Mary Kate Olsen today. Can she stop already with the FUR. I don't get how people can still wear fur. Even if you hate animals aren't you embarrassed to walk around wearing something that most people associate with evil? Not to mention that it looks horrible, gross and tacky but then again MK is all of those very things by nature. I just feel so baffled by humans, how can a person not be bothered by the atrocious nature of the fur industry. How can they wear the skins of animals that suffered so horribly and not feel in any way bothered or concerned? I just don't understand, if I see her walking around I am going to yank the fur right off her puny little body and pummel her with it. Lucky for her that she lives in LA and I live in Asheville. I don't actually think a pummeling from fur would really hurt though. Perhaps a pack of wild minks will see her and descend on her and eat what little meat she has on her bones....one can only hope.

Update on Tom's bleeding ass:

At approximately 11 am I received a call from my brother Tom about the status of his ass.
Apparently he had just finished working out and called to tell me that he had found a solution to his dilemma. He started his first set of 100 crunches and after 3 or 4 was in agony so he thought perhaps what his ass needed was some sort of lubrication. He said he used some body butter that he had, lubed up his cheeks and was good to go. Tom was able to finish all the crunches sans blood. Good for you Tom for living in the solution instead of the problem.

In other news I am 38 weeks pregnant and ready to have this baby.
My back doesn't hurt that badly today and my mood is not homicidal so that is good. But I need to talk to Joel about putting into place a mouth noise policy in the work place. I can't handle mouth noises right now they send me over the edge. I know......I know......

A watched pot never goes into labor

2008-05-13T11:27:00.002-04:00

Well I have been gone from work for the last 4 days so I came into an ass load of emails that I need to respond to. However I wanted to take a moment to post on my blog because I told myself I would still post even when I am not working and I have not been doing that so since I am feeling a lot of discomfort I figure I would blog now while I still have it in me.

First off my lower back is hurting me in a new way. Starting yesterday I began having this awful pain in my low back, sitting is pretty uncomfortable and so is walking. I take all pain as a good sign that this is almost over and by this I mean pregnancy and by pregnancy I mean the longest experience in the world. I just wish that the discomfort was not accompanied by homicidal feelings. I have refrained from killing anyone but if this is how I feel now when I am not in labor, well I just feel so bad for Teddydigital and my Douala. Actually anyone that is going to be near me, I should just make my amends now in advance. Since I am already complaining I just want to say that my right contact has decided that it no longer wants to work and so my computer screen is blurry and that is really on a nerve as well. I have heard that your contacts can act up when you are pregnant so I am resisting the urge to toss my contacts and put in a new pair. That would really bother me if I wasted a new pair of contacts just to find that the right eye sucks with a new pair as well.
On a nicer note Teddydigital and I have gotten most of what we need to do done for the baby. We went and got all the supplies we will need and we put together our stroller and the co-sleeper and washed everything that needs to be washed. I am feeling ready for the most part. I just want to deep clean the shit out of my house and then I think we are set.

I saw my brother yesterday. I don't write about him a lot because he is sort of touchy and might not like it if I told the whole world stories about him but he gave me permission to write about what I saw yesterday. First of all a 2 second background on my brother Tom....he is my younger brother and I have total mind control over him..just kidding OK he is also a retired Marine. And he did 2 tours in Iraq. He is a very intense guy in some ways and in other ways he is really goofy. A paradox if you will....so he is really into exercise and fitness, that seems like it would be normal and healthy. That is unless you are dealing with the people in my family who are real freaks about exercise. My mother is the only one normal about exercise. One year my dad decided to run about a million marathons, and he did, and then he blew out his knee. My Grandma who is 89 years old just got a walker so she could exercise in the halls of her retirement community. Anyway I went over to my parents house for diner and I was walking up the stairs behind my brother and I see blood all over the back of his shorts. Now, just the night before I was watching Law and Order SVU and there was a kid who showed up to school with blood all over the back of his shorts, in the same spot as Tom and it was because he was raped by another kid. So naturally I was concerned that perhaps Tom was raped and so I asked him why his ass was bleeding...was an older kid trying to hurt him? What he told me was even more disturbing. He said he that had a rug burn on his ass from doing crunches on a dog bed in his basement.....he said he did so many that he made his ass bleed!! He was actually really proud of this accomplishment. He informed me that that was getting' some....compulsively doing crunches till your ass bleeds. He then explained to my father why his ass was bleeding and my fathers response was that there is no circumstance where a man's ass should ever bleed. It didn't matter to Tom, he was proud of his bleeding ass and bloody shorts. I find it amazing that Tom thinks my huge belly is gross but will walk around in blood stained shorts with out a second thought.

Something for nothing...you know you love it

2008-05-07T16:18:00.003-04:00

OK people one of my due dates is a mere 18 days away.
Have you submitted your guesses yet? If not go ahead and do it what have you got to lose? You can win 3 free cases of candy!!! I am forever getting emails from people who want samples, well now you can have 36 samples, just for entering our contest. All you have to do is send your guess for when you think the baby will be born to ann@crispycatcandybars.com if you also guess on the height and weight you stand to win even more.

By the way this is be kind to animals week. Well if you ask me it is a sad state of affairs when animals only get one week. I think it goes with out saying that every week is be kind to animals week but some people can only handle one week a year.
If you see or suspect animal cruelty or abuse PLEASE report it.

Morgan and I ran into a bad situation with a sick injured stray dog yesterday.
This poor old guy was either hit by a car or dying of a disease that made his back legs shake. He happened to wander into a yard with 3 other dogs in it and ended up getting attached. Lucky Morgan ran in a saved the day. Five grown men did not have the balls to get this dog but Morgan did. She went right in, got the dog and tried to get him into her yard. Unfortunately he tried to bite her and she let go and he ran off into the woods, but he came back that night and she was able to get him into her yard where he could be safe until the appropriate people could come and take care of him. Morgan was definitely the animal lover of the day yesterday, she made sure that the pup had food, water, a safe place to sleep and most of all a kind person looking out for him. Maybe we can't save all the animals but we change the life of every animal we do save.

Speaking of saving an animals life, Inky finally ate last night and this morning. Hurray!!! Of course he only will eat expensive, organic cat food, but at least he ate. I guess I don't have to check him into Renfru after all.

The Hops new deal, Inkys anorexic and Ted ran 34 miles.

2008-05-06T12:10:00.002-04:00

For all the people who live in the Asheville area, the Hop is now offering to put Crispy Cats in their ice cream and their vegan ice cream as well. So if you want a Crispy Cat milk shake or a Crispy Cat Sunday you can now get one at the Hop in Asheville. The Hop is where Joel originally started selling the bars. They make great vegan ice cream and other delicious vegan treats. So if you are a local or you come visit us check out The Hop.

On Sunday Teddydigital ran a 34 mile race. I am really proud of him and totally impressed and inspired. I wish I could have been there to see him cross the finish line but the race was 2 hours away and it took him all day to run it. It would have been a LONG day of just sitting there doing nothing and I can only imagine my mood once he finally finished. It would be fowl for sure. When he came home I was laying on the bed feeling sorry for myself. But that washed away when I saw his finishers metal, I just was so excited for him that he did it that I was able to stop the pity party for a few seconds. I sat in the bathroom and timed his ice bath for him and then we went to the store and got a ton of fruit and some cake. All day I had been feeling sort of sorry for myself. I decided to write a book about it called The Lonely Whale. I never thought that pregnancy would make me feel different from my friends but is some ways it has. I'm not in the same place as all my friends who are already moms and I am in a totally other universe from my single friends who aren't married and don't have kids. Not to mention that I can't really stay out late hanging out nor do I want too, because by the end of the day I am totally exhausted. Well, that's life and I wouldn't trade this experience for all the hanging out in the world. Especial when I lay eyes on the cutest baby in the world, one of my due dates is only 19 days away!
So Teddydigital is a brave soul who ran 34 miles in the woods and up hills and through horse poo and near snakes and he made it home in one piece.

This morning I had to take one of my dogs to the vet. Inky is my oldest dog, he was a rescue that I took in when I lived in NYC. He is a tiny little guy about 10 or 12 years old and about 10 lbs. He is so feisty, he will totally attack and kill you over just one look. Well he started doing a weird cough this week and his breathing was labored and it sounded like was about to die. Then when he stopped eating I started to think something was wrong. Not just regular old dog stuff. He is the only dog in the house who gets wet food, he has had some teeth pulled so he can't really chew. When he did not want his wet food I knew it was bad. Especial since Petunia and Otto were freaking out at every meal because Inky would just sit there and not eat his yummy wet food while they had crappy all natural dry food.
So this morning I said eff the gym and took Inky to the vet. Turns out he had congestive heart failure and get this....anorexia!!! WOW I never thought a dog could have anorexia but they totally can and Inky has it. He has always been a really thin dog...I wonder if he looks at his reflection and worries about being fat? Dose he count every chunk of his wet food and write it down and calculate the calories. Is the reason he keeps running up and down the stairs because he wants to lose more weight? He dose have a bad attitude a lot and it could be because he is hungry and freaking out about weighing more than 10lbs perhaps he is trying to diet down to 8lbs? Well I tried to talk to him about it but he was not willing to discuss it, I think I will just give him some space. I am going to buy him some cans of wet cat food. I know he won't be able to resist.
That is a little wrap up of what has been going on.
In short......
1.The Hop is doing cool stuff with Crispy Cats
2. Teddydigital ran 34 miles and lived to tell the tale
3. Inky has an eating disorder and I may have to take him on the show Intervention.

Saved by Murry

2008-05-01T16:33:00.002-04:00

Today was Thursdays with Murry. I love to make up a plan for how things are going to go and then the universe loves to change those plans with out any notice.I planned on going to the gym this moring and then on Friday I was going to take a rest day because I have a doctors appointment and a Douala appointment. I really liked this plan. So I get up this morning and even though I was tired and did not want to go to the gym I reminded myself of my plan and I put on my ill fitted work out clothes and went. Well, 5o minuets later I am still not at the gym. Why? Traffic. Horrible slow, evil traffic and I am just sitting there dying a spiritual death because I want to kill someone because I think that I know what the plan is and it pisses me off that it is not happening.

After an hour it becomes apparent that I am not going to work out before work. But I still need to shower and get dressed for work and I don't want to go into that hideous valley of nakedness that they call the gym locker room. Murry lives right down the street from the gym so I give her a call hoping that she is awake. Just my luck..shes up!! I tell her my dilemma and she invites me over.

Let me tell you, I had a lot of fun this morning. I went over and Murry and I had tea and we did some laughing and talking and she offered me some cake that I declined because I have eaten so much cake already. And we just had a nice time over all, a very pleasant way to start my day. Much more fun than being a compulsive stress head at the gym. The only thing that sucks is that Murry's shower is narrow and right now I am rather wide so it was a little tricky, but I managed to do it and get clean enough to come to work.

Now I have a date with Sarah after work to go to the gym, so I get to see 2 friends in one day.

That's a pretty good deal if you ask me. And a much better plan than I made up, the universe knows what its doing.

By the way I am 36 weeks pregnant today so time is running out for our contest. Well, not really but still you should take advantage of the chance to win 3 free cases of free candy. I mean its not that often that I push a kid out and we get to have a contest so take advantage while you can.

Oh and just one more by the way...I am huge. Just in case you didn't know and just in case I forget the women at the gym always remind me. Thanks ladies at the Y for your astute comments about my body.

Pass the salt please

2008-04-29T12:11:00.003-04:00

Secrets secrets there no fun they hurt someone...they hurt someone.
When I was a senior in high school my friend Garrett sang that little song to me as I whispered something to a girlfriend that I refused to share with him. That was 14 years ago and I have never forgotten it. I think there is a real truth to that little song. People do get hurt by secreats, even when you are all grown up and out of high school. I think if you are doing something and you feel it needs to be a secret than perhaps you ought to check your self. I know this sounds vague and stupid but . Lets just say that someones secret ended up hurting my feelings yesterday.
However what I learned from my experience of being excluded was that it is so important for me to be as inclusive as I can be. There is more than enough attention, energy, love and friendship to go around so I never need to feel like I have to hoard anything. You know I may not be some hippie-dippy new age-er but I have a really good sense of connectedness to other women and I love other women and always want to support my girl friends. When it comes to having a good time everyone is always welcome, less is never more in my book.
OK enough of that crap...totally boring lets move on.

My baby shower was on Sunday and it was really great! All of the people I care about were there and we ate a lot of food and hung out and it was a lot of fun! The best part was when I got the surprise of a life time from Murry, Sarah and Morgan. They got together and got me an Ergo carrier with the newborn insert! I could not believe it because I never even registered for it because it was expensive and I had already put money aside for it. I would never expect my friends to buy me something so expensive. It was a wonderful and exciting gift!! I think I am going to put the money that I was going to spend on the carrier towards a better jogging stroller.

Lets talk about being "bloated"
Before I was pregnant I used to always say "I'm bloated"
Anytime I felt fat I would moan about being bloated. The irony of is that I had no idea what really being bloated was like. I didn't know water retention like I know it now. I was in such great shape and so thin and i thought I was fat all the time. Note to self: In the future when not pregnant and back in shape appreciate body and not complain about phantom bloating.
I never appreciated how thin I was or anything else about my body and now its gone. Well when it comes back I promise not to hate on it
To paint a picture for you about my bloating I will just say that none of my shoes fit. None. I had to go out and buy a pair of Crocks. Yes, crocks...so bad and stupid but the only thing my feet can fit into. I had to wear Crocks to the gym this morning to work out in because not only is tying my running shoes hard but they are too tight now. By the end of the day my feet look like two sponges that are filled with water and have Vienna sausages tied on the ends. Forget about my wedding ring, those are just a memory to me now. I walk around ring-less in the bible belt hoping Christians are looking at my empty left ring finger and thinking I am carrying a bastard child or something.
Don't get me wrong being pregnant has been the coolest thing I have ever done. I never knew what this body could do and now I know. It can make a whole person all on its own with out my interference and then it can feed that person too!! That is pretty impressive if you ask me.
I just want to go on record saying that being a woman is awesome, I am so glad I was born with a vag and not a peeps. (that is vagina and penis for those who choose to use the anatomically correct names)

Baby Contest = Free Candy!!

2008-04-24T10:29:00.004-04:00

Yesterday Stu sent out an email announcing the contest we are running here at Crispy Cat headquarters. And we got a lot of responses, I am really into some of the guess that you people had for due dates. Mainly because some are early May and I am so ready to have this baby. I figure if I just go 2 more weeks I will be full term and then the baby should be all set to go and we can do this thing!
I thought since the original post with all the info about the contest is old I would re post the clues that I gave for guesses.

I have 2 due dates one is May 25th and one is May 30th. I have 2 because the baby was measuring a little big at my 8 week ultrasound so they thought I might be more pregnant than I thought.

I am 5'2 and my husband (Teddydigital) is 6'4

I was a small little baby born late and he was a big baby!

I don't have any sisters so I don't know if I have a family tendency to go early or late. My mother was late with me and 3 weeks early with my brother.

That is all the info that I have to offer that might be helpful with clues and guesses.

Good Luck!

I am also sad to report that I have not been able to run for a week. I have been going to the gym and using the elliptical and the cross trainer but that is a much as I can do. I have definitely been missing my morning runs with Otto and I know Otto is missing them too. He just has to settle for plain old walks now with the other dogs. By the way I had a grooming debacle with Otto the other day. I always groom him myself and I wanted to give him a summer cut because he is so freaking hairy and so because I forget that at 35 weeks pregnant things are harder I set out to shave him in the back yard.
Otto is afraid of the clipper noise so he just lay on his side traumatized by the buzzing noise while I shaved one whole side of him. Really he was being very good and the shaving part was easy. Then I turn off the clippers and roll him onto his other side. Thinking to myself this entire time how easy this is and how I can't believe that Teddydigital thought I couldn't do it and wanted me to take him to a groomer. Well, I go to turn the clippers back on and they won't for some reason go through his hair. I kept trying and trying but they would not do it. I don't know if I dulled the blade by shaving a dirty dog or what but the bottom line was that they were not working. Finally I had to give up. Poor Otto he now has the worlds worst hair cut, totally shaved on one side and all hairy on the other. If you look at him standing and you just look at one side he looks fine. I feel like I am abusing him by making him walk around like that, but when I called the groomers they did not have anything open for 2 weeks. I think this weekend I am going to borrow my Mothers horse clippers and shave him. Poor guy.

World Week For Animals in Labratorys

2008-04-23T12:06:00.002-04:00

April 20-26 is world week for animals in labs. What this means to me is that I need to make sure that I am doing what I can to help ease the suffering of animals that are being tortured in labs and make sure I am not indirectly contributing to their suffering.
How can a person help? Well the first thing is to recommit to not buying any products that are tested on animals and this includes products that have ingredients that are tested on animals as well as the finished product themselves. For example some shampoos will claim not to test on animals but will have ingredients in them that are. So technically they don't test but in reality they do. The worst of the worst is Procter and Gamble. If a person can just avoid those products it would make a huge difference. Sometimes its hard to know what is P&G and what is not with Procter and Gamble they make so many things. The best thing to do is go on to P.E.T.A 's website and go to the compassionate living guide to see all the things that Procter and Gamble make, its a lot.

I won't go into the gory details of animal testing because if you read this blog you probably already know what they do. But if you need a little extra convincing or motivation check out the Huntingdon life Science laboratory. Honestly, if I get into what happens at that place I will be distraught all day and probably start crying at my desk. When ALF Support became our myspace friend the the things that are on their page were truly some of the worst things I have ever seen. Their whole page is about Huntingdon Life Sciences and the kind of suffering that happens there. The things that they do to dogs and cats, monkeys,bunnys and rats, once you see the pictures they will haunt you forever. I saw some images on that myspace page that if I think about them I start to cry. I just feel so grateful that there are people out there that are so brave that they go into those labs and rescue the animals there.

P.E.T.A's website is the best place to get information on what is safe to buy and what is not.

The neurotic corner

2008-04-22T11:26:00.002-04:00

This is the last time I am going to write about this topic. I know I am a freak when it comes to this area of my life so I am just going to share one more story about the topic of MY WEIGHT!!!(insert dramatic music here)

I have a friend that moved away to Florida a few months after I got married. When I got married my weight was some where around 105 to 108 lbs. I was in good shape and I was running a lot and doings some weight lifting as well. Ok fine that being said that was how I looked the last time he saw me. So I see him the other day and now at 35 weeks pregnant I look a lot different. I will not go into how much I currently weight because that is just to scary but lets just say that I am considerable bigger. Everyone else that knows me has seen me gradually get bigger and bigger. But Matt (yeah I said your name MATT) has not so to him I guess it was a big shock. He looks at me and says "WOW I almost didn't recognize you when I walked into the room....aww don't worry you'll get it all back!" all this in his heavy southern accent.

I know it doesn't sound like a lot but really....you'll get it all back???? I didn't recognize you??
Well....thanks for hiding your shock so well Matt. I got into the car and immediately started obsessing to Teddydigital about my weight. When I got home I continued my interrogation about the way I looked.... was I that huge that I looked like an entirely different person? Was I some sort of freakish beast like big foot, or small foot as the cases would be for me. A rotund weeble?
Teddydigital fared the storm well, he simple said that last time Matt saw me I was in tip top shape and that I looked beautiful now and that as my belly has gotten bigger I actually look slimmer everywhere Else.Now, he may have been lying about me looking slimmer every where else but it still was nice to hear. He knows that with me flattery will get you everywhere.

So I am over that now but I just wanted to add that to the other stories I have of people just saying whatever comes into their head regardless of how rude it is. Again proving the point that for some unknown reason pregnant women are not granted the same social politeness that other people are when it comes to people remarking on the way her body looks.

Whatever I have bigger problems than that right now anyway, like what I am going to do when I finish watching all the back seasons of the Sopranos. And if I can make it to see the Sex in the City movie before I give birth.

Baby Contest update

2008-04-21T11:27:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all the people who have been submitting their guesses for the chance to win up to 3 cases of Crispy Cats. Most people have been submitting their guesses to ann@crispycatcandybars.com some people have been putting them in the comments section of the blog, even though I said that was OK I think its better to send the email b/c if you win we can get in touch with you faster AND all your personal info is not all out there for every cyber creep to see.
That being said I am so happy that we have so much participation in our contest!
In other Crispy Cat news as of next week I will be going part time.
I will be here in the office Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday from 10-5.
I plan on just working until I burst. I mean why not right? Being at work is similar to being at home in that I consider the people I work with like family. Except here I have to sit a lot more and that is where the problem arises for me. Sitting all day is so painful and then my feet get all swollen and gross. Not to mention my lack of concentration and focus and all the frequent bathroom breaks.
Anyway my friend Jessica had her baby last night! Its a little boy! The ultrasound said girl and then when he poped out......boy.
Congratulations to Jess and Andrew!

What pregnant ladies and Tony Soprano have in common

2008-04-18T10:47:00.002-04:00

Just a quick reminder...we still have our contest going to win free Crispy Cats!! All you have to do is guess the day you think my baby will be born and you can win a case of Crispy Cats. If you guess the height and weight you can win 2 more cases! For more details scroll down a few posts and you will see where to click to submit your guess and to see my 2 due dates and all that stuff.

Even though I hate to admit it, I love the Sopranos. I am really addicted and since I have been doing a lot of resting at night I find myself at Blockbuster renting season after season. Since Teddydigital works nights I have the T.V. all to myself so I am free to watch whatever I want, I would rather have Teddydigital at home but since you can't have it all I'll take Tony Soprano.
I know that I should be offend by the violence and the misogynistic behavior and the depiction of all Italians as mobsters and sociopath killers, but I just can't help but watch. And the fact that Tony loves animals and even killed a man over the fact that he suspected he killed Tony's beloved horse doesn't help with my addiction. I mean if someone killed one of my animal companions I would want to seriously mame them but because I don't go around maming people I won't. But Tony dose go around maiming people and what better people to mame and kill than people who hurt and abuse animals. Again, I am not saying violence solves problems but I am saying that it dose feel good to see a man who killed an innocent horse get his brains bashed in, should I not even be writing this? Am I too a sick and twisted person? Well I think I can speak for many animal lovers when I say that there have been times when I have seen animal abuse and even though I did not cause bodily harm to anyone I certainly fantasied about it. Anyway that is why we have T.V. shows.

Last night I was laying on my couch watching episodes from the 4th season and getting the worst cravings for all the food I was seeing. Especial all the delicious Italian pastries that I loved and ate as a kid. Those white boxes with the little red and white strings holding them closed were driving me nuts. It was making me think of my Grandmother who would go on to central ave in Yonkers and go to the latachine to pick up lunch and then head to the bakery to pick up desert.
So I called the person who I thought would be able to understand, my mother. My mother, being Italian is familiar with all those delicious treats and since there is no where in North Carolina that you can get that sort of food I felt safe talking about it because I knew I was not in danger of running out and buying a bunch of pastries and shoving them in my face.

Ok this was not the point of this story. The point of even bring up that show in the first place was to mention all the things in common that Tony Soprano and pregnant woman have in common.
Now I can't speak for all pregnant ladies so I will just stick to myself.......

#1 Both Tony Soprano and pregnant ladies have huge bellys, this is the obvious one

#2 Both tend to breath heavy even when not really excert themselves i.e. eating and standing still. For example I was eating dinner and found myself breathing like I had just ran for the phone or something. God, I felt like a whale at that point. I mean breathing heavy while eating!
Another example was I was on the phone with my brother and I had just walked up the stairs and was out of breath and he wanted to know if I was working out.

#3 Insane mood swings and a tendency to want to become violent out of no where. For example I was at the gym and the parking lot was crowed and I was waiting for a man to pull out of his spot so I could take it, well some old man comes along and he pauses as if he is going to try and take the spot. I just looked at him and shook my head, he was smart and moved his old ass along. I seriously became enraged thinking about him trying to steal my spot. Normally this would not have been so dramatic, but because I was so sleep deprived and hormonal I wanted to kick his ass just for looking at my spot. I know, I am illin'

Those are just a few examples I am sure I could go on but I have lost interest in this subject.
Don't forget to submit your guess to win up to 3 cases of Crispy Cats, the worlds first organic candy bar!!

Give it up for Mike who dose the right thing

2008-04-17T10:31:00.003-04:00

I would like to give a shout out to my Father Mike for being a good human and an animal lover.
My Dad lives out in the country here in North Carolina. He lives with my Mother Mary and 3 dogs, Jiggs, Sparky and Tess and 2 horses Showtime and Double Dot and soon 2 donkeys and 2 kittens.

Yesterday my Father was driving down his road with a young man that works on his property when a small Shiz tuz ran out of the tall grass and into the road. Despite his best efforts he ended up hitting this little guy with his truck. So Mike pulls over and and finds this poor little pup in bad shape, his little jaw was broken. Mike picked him up and rushed him to the vet. Let me take a moment to mention that the young man in the car noted that most people who live out there would have just left the dog to die, I find this disturbing but I know its true because I have seen dogs dead on the road out there before. Anyway, Mike takes him to the vet where he has to have 2 operations for his broken jaw and it ran him around $700 bucks.

Then Mike finds the owner. She is a gal who is pregnant and has 2 small kids and lives in a trailer. She claims that she was going to put him on his lead but she felt to sick so she just let him run loose. This pups name by the way is Wicket, how cute. Out in the country people let their dogs run loose all the time and it is the stupidest thing you can do. Besides cars killing them there are other animals to consider. Dogs who are chained up, and by the way I don't believe in chaining a dog all day and night either get attacked and fight with loose dogs. Anyway the lady said she could not pay the bill and that was fine with Mike because he was the one who hit Wicket with his truck. However I can't help but think this was an avoidable tragedy but I won't even go there because all that matters is that Wicket is OK and he got all the medical treatment he needed.

I could go on a really long tirade about how "mountain culture" needs to evolve with the rest of the world when it comes to animals but I just don't have the energy today. Nor do I think the rest of the world is really all that evolves when it comes to animals. I find it really disgraceful how I have seen dogs treated here in Western North Carolina it makes me really sick. I just keep praying for all the animals here and all over the world that some day people will stop abusing and mistreating them and recognize the beautiful little creatures that they are. Dogs don't deserve to live their entire lives outside on chains or in kennels all alone.
One would think that everyone knows that but I guess not.

I am slowing down

2008-04-16T11:27:00.002-04:00

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am slowing down. I thought that I might be the rare exception to the rule, that I might be the one and only pregnant lady not to have to slow down at the end of her pregnancy but at 34 weeks, I feel slow.

I'm used to having a lot of energy, I'm used to being able to do physically anything I want, I'm used to being thin and fit. I never used to watch T.V. during the day on the weekends! I would even think of laying on the couch in my PJ's ALL DAY watching episode after episode of the Sopranos, and still finding myself tired at the end of it all. As I write these words I feel the shame of being a daytime weekend T.V. watcher. Yes I am going to admit that I love the Sopranos and I love Big love and the L word and Sex in the City and that since I have rolled into this last trimester I have spent a lot of time renting and watching these shows.

It was only this week that exercise has seemed like the hardest nightmare ever. And this is coming from a true exercise lover. I have to force myself to exercise, but I still do it. The thought of being totally sedentary is to much to bear. Even if I do my exercise and then put my PJs back on and watch T.V the rest of the day at least I have done something remotely reminiscent of my former active self. I guess I should give myself more credit, I think I probably do more intentional exercise daily than most Americans. Anyway that is not the point...the point is that I have to surrender to the fact that this little lady that is living in me is calling the shots and probably will for many years to come. For a control freak like me this has been a tough but as the days fly by I am getting more and more excited for my new life. Change is always scary but this just might be the most exciting change I have ever experienced. Besides I can't wait to be a Mom. I have to savor these precious moments that I spend on the couch with Tony Soprano and Bette and Tina and Carrie Bradshaw and all 3 of Bills wives because soon I won't have time for them. They just won't be important anymore. My new concerns will not be if the Feds are watching Tony or of Mr. Big and Carrie get back together (even though we know they do) or if Nikki can stop using her credit card before she drives her family into complete finical ruins. I will be more concerned with sore nipples and how to get shit stains out of cloth diapers.

Just say NO to Drew Barrymore

2008-04-14T14:52:00.003-04:00

This morning I was at the gym on the elliptical, it was a nightmare and I was hating every second of it. So I am just there doing it and telling myself I am being healthy and doing whats good for me and the baby and reminding myself that I am going to be sitting all day so enjoy the momvement.....anyway......I look over and there it is. I see in some magazine that someone has propped up on their machine a cover girl ad and the model in this Cover Girl ad is Drew Barrymore! SICK! ILL! HOW COULD SHE???

Cover Girl is owned by Procter and Gamble and we all know the horror show of animal abuse P&G is responsible for. They are one of if not the WORST when it comes to animal testing!!! They make monkeys drink Tide and throw chemicals on beagles and kill and torture droves of helpless animal, including but not limited to cats/kittens, dogs/puppies, bunnys, mice, rats and monkeys!!! What the eff Drew? Drew Barrymore just got all kinds of props for donating a ton of money to some charity for kids and everyone thinks she is some sort of saint now. Well here's a heads up...she freaking LOADED she should be donating to charity, but Drew what about our animal friends? Surely a gal like Drew who claims to be a huge animal lover knows about the evil doings of P&G? She loves to be photographed with her two dogs and loves to say how she rescued them, well I wonder if she would mind if Cover Girl stuck a mascara wand in their eyes or made them eat the chemicals that they produce their crappy cheep make-up with? I guess Drew only cares about her dogs, I suppose the suffering of dogs who aren't so blessed as Flossy don't deserve a life free from abuse and pain. Only Drew's dogs get to sleep in a warm bed instead of a cold cage and only her dogs can eat treats from some over priced dog boutique in L.A other dogs have to eat chemicals and poison.
My point is this, celebrities who involve themselves with company's like P&G are just as bad as P&G themselves. They just look pretty, on the outside that is. However we don't have to support these 2 faced celebrities we can boycott their movies and the products they endorse and spread the word about them.

If you want to learn more about P&G go to the PETA website and learn all about them. Unless you are some sort of heartless creep you won't want to buy anything they make, and they make a lot of stuff.

That is my animal rights speech for the day. Thank you and goodnight.

Decaf is bad

2008-04-11T11:09:00.003-04:00

I have been drinking decaf and it is not very good. I quit coffee cold turkey about 8 months ago and didn't even start with decaf until about Christmas time when I felt I could not go on with out at least tasting a coffee bean. So here I sit with some crappy decaf, all for the love of my unborn baby. I guess sacrifice is the name of the game when you become a Mom so I better get used to it.

As great as yesterdays run was todays run was the exact opposite. Yesterday I felt so awesome and so inspired and I was being inspirational to others and it almost felt like running before I was pregnant. Today I felt every extra pound and the baby was squashing my bladder the whole time, I just wanted to lay down in the grass and die. Thank God Teddydigital came with me to help get me motivated and to keep me company. He almost didn't come, claimed his ankle was swollen from a 4 hour trail run he did a few days ago. I tried to be understanding. I did a bad job. Eventually I think he felt bad and decided to take one for the team and he got out of bed and put on his shorts. Its hard to have any excuse not to go running when your wife is 33 weeks pregnant and standing there stuffed into running tights that she wore when she was 105 lbs and now weighs a jillion pounds and the tights are ready to just pop off her swollen body. So we ran and it was hard but having Teddydigital there to cheer me on made all the difference. After this morning I have no doubts that he will be a great birthing partner.

In other Crispy Cat news Eric is out in Seattle at a Veg fest pretending to be hard at work when really I know he is just drinking coffee and hitting on the ladies. That's Ok we are having fun at the office too. Well not really but we are trying.
That is all I have for now have a good weekend and don't forget to enter our contest to win free Crispy Cats!

Theres no crying at work.....yes there is

2008-04-10T15:40:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been crying at work. I really can't help it, I have like 10 zillion hormones flooding my system at all times and stuff just makes me cry.

Things that are little seem big..sort of like when you have P.M.S and things feel crazy but you tell yourself, oh this is PMS this is not real it's just PMS. But when its been like that for 33 weeks in a row I think a gal starts to lose perspective of what is real and what is not. I mean after awhile the line between hormonal and straight up crazy gets kinda fuzzy.

Something that would make me cry pregnant or not was a youtube video that was sent to me in a myspace bulletin. It was titled can you find a pure bread dog in a shelter? Now, I know better than to fall for the old its gonna be a cute movie about all the cute dogs in a shelter. No this is going to be some really sad stuff and guess what? It was some seriously sad shit. It was all about the dogs that have to be put down in the shelters and it was euthanasia techs talking about how they do what they do and they showed all these cute lovable dogs who were about to be put to sleep. I just burst out crying at my desk. I mean they should show that movie to the people who drop off there dogs at the shelter. All I could think about was Otto and how he almost went to the shelter, I could just see his sweet trusting face behind those bars, just wondering what he ever did. That dog is so freaking loving and gentle. My God, his previous owners were horrible abusive rednecks that threw him away like trash and treated him even worse when they had him. When I found the creeps who dumped him they never once said thanks for shaving all the dreads off our dog and taking him to the vet and taking care of him and bathing him, they just grabbed him up and dragged him off to there shitty truck. Otto dug his feet in and tried to resist but they threw him in the truck. Well the long and short of that story is that he kept running away and eventually Ted and I just took him. The nasty owner people just said keep him. Otto is a beautiful pure bread Golden Retriever and a nice boy to boot.

So that is why I was crying at work today. But it was just for a few minutes I forced myself to stop because the other day I cried a river at work and I figure that I can't have too many crying spells in any given week.

One more interesting thing to note....Stu claims that running is bad for you and will give you "jumble guts". He thinks anyone who runs is crazy and looking for knee and joint problems. Well whatever Stu no one cares what you think about running..even if you did go to Harvard! I was out running this morning with Teddydigital and Otto and a lady with a minivan full of kids leaned out her window and said "WOW good for you, you're inspirational"
It was pretty cool and it inspired me to keep up with my attempts at running. I told myself that I don't have to run until I go into labor but who knows maybe I will after all!

Its not nice to stare.

2008-04-09T12:34:00.003-04:00

More interesting things that happen when you are pregnant and standing naked in a semi-public place.
By semi-public I mean the locker room at the gym. It's not like I am naked in the middle of downtown or anything but the locker room is not exactly private either.
Grown women who probably have manners are blowing my mind with there lack of restraint when it comes to staring and commenting. I have no choice by the way other than to be naked when I change after my shower. I can't wrap a towel around my waist and slip on my underwear or slyly get my bra and shirt on with just a few seconds of boob showing. No, when you are 33 weeks pregnant putting on underwear feels like a scary balancing act that takes concentration and focus and dedication. So I am open to be viewed in the most unflattering light ever and in the most unflattering positions ever. Struggling to get dressed as fast as possible with out tipping over or hurting myself. By the way the light in the locker room is so bad, I look like I have gobs of cellulite AND I feel the lights make me look trollish or like a midget with insane bloating.

This is a blow by blow of one conversation.

Strange Lady: (after much staring) My you are big. Very big. You must be having that baby soon.
Me: I'm only 33 weeks.
Strange Lady: Well you sure are big.....ummmm....big.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Strange Lady: Well do you know what you are having?
Me: A girl
Strange Lady: Well your life is about to change! (then she laughs and walks away)

Another lady just keep drilling me about working out after the baby comes. Of course she prefaced the conversation with mentioning how big I am and how I must be having the baby soon. This lady wanted to know if I was going to work out till the end and what I was going to do after the baby arrives, am I still going to work out?? She was more obsessed with my exercise habits than I am.

Of course I know that people don't mean to be so ill and annoying and I know that I am more easily annoyed now than before. But seriously would people like it if I stood around the locker room after I have my baby and am back with a killer body pointing out to complete strangers how big they are or noticing other things about their body?

My fave is when people say don't worry you'll lose the weight after the baby comes. Now when I am wearing my clothes and obsessing to a friend or family member I like to hear this, when I am naked with a complete strange surveying my body, not so much.

Anyway don't forget about the contest we are having, you can win a bunch of free cases of Crispy Cats just for guessing on the baby's due date and height and weight. Just scroll down a few blogs for the details!

The pregnant guy.

2008-04-04T14:31:00.002-04:00

No.
I am sure everyone has heard about this "man" that is pregnant.
I say man meaning that he underwent a sex change to get rid of his breasts and to take testosterone to get all manly. Yet left his reproductive organs in place because he said he knew he would want to have a baby someday.
OK here is my problem with this situation.

1. If a person feels they were born into the wrong gender than fine go get a sex change. I get that some people identify with a gender other than the one they were born into. I have no problem with someone being transgender.

2. However, if you feel like a man, well than your a man and men don't have the parts to have a baby. If you have the parts to have a baby than you are not a man with a uterus you are a lady with a beard.

3. Personal I do not want men to start having babies. This is not something that should get really trendy. One of the special things about being a woman is being able to make a baby.
Don't men have enough already in this world. Can't some things just be sacred and special for us ladies. Why do men want a piece of all of our action.

The good news is that regular guys can't do this. Only guys that used to be girls can do this and the good news is that most ladies that become men don't want to have babies because they feel like men and most men don't want to have a baby. Of course I am only speculating on all this. I have no idea what happens in other peoples heads. I think I am just annoyed by all the media hype that a man is pregnant. Its not like a person who was born a man got pregnant. This is not like that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger when he gets pregnant. This is just one of those situations that makes a great headline but is really sort of stupid when you look at it.
From far away it looks like ...Wow a dude is pregnant! Up close it looks like...Oh a lady that turned into a guy but left her womb is pregnant, and instead of looking like a beautiful glowing pregnant lady she just looks like a bloated frat guy or a dude with a drinking problem gross.

Anyway that is my 2 cents on all this silliness. I think Oprah should have me on her show. I can show her my stretch marks and hemorrhoids.

A chance to get free Crispy Cats.

2008-04-04T10:31:00.002-04:00

Joel had a pretty good idea the other day. He suggested that we have a little contest. What sort of contest you might ask? Well the sort of contest where you guess what day I am having this baby and the height and weight. For every correct answer you give you get a free case of Crispy Cats. I don't think you have to be dead on to win, especial if no one is dead on. I think it has to be the person with the closet guess. So this means that you stand to win up to 3 free cases of product. So if you want to play than you can either post your guess in the comments section or you can email me at ann@crispycatcandybars.com
Here are a few hints.....
I have 2 due dates and one is May 25 and one is May 30.
Also as far as my height and Teddydigitals height is concerned I am 5'2 and he is 6"4.
Ok, so if you want to win some free candy than this is your chance. Especial all you people out there who keep emailing me wanting me to send you free samples, now you can get your free candy damm it!

Creepy pants

2008-03-31T12:25:00.003-04:00

I finally broke down and purchased a pair of those ridiculous maternity pants that have some sort of panty hose on the top that totally covers the whole belly.
I totally love them. I look like a freak with panty hose over my belly but I am really comfortable. I had really cute maternity jeans that I wore everyday for the longest but eventually the half panel stated to cut into my belly and I was afraid it was digging into my baby's head. I did not want my baby coming out with weird jean marks on her face. So even though I told myself I would not wear creepy maternity pants with the "perfect fit belly" I broke down and did it. See what I mean about pregnancy turning women into one track bore machines. I mean who Else but another pregnant lady wants to read about me getting a pair of pants? Well, to bad I don't have anything else to write about. In other news about pants I am still able to just barley wear my really great running tights that I got a few years ago when I moved from Florida to North Carolina. They are some high tech fancy pants that Addias makes and were really expensive, that's why I had to get them as a Christmas gift. I wear them endlessly and I am forced to wear them under my belly so they kind of dig into my butt checks and that is not an attractive look. I don't care I am not buying maternity workout clothes this late in the game. Speaking of working out...I am proud to say that I am 32 weeks on Thursday and still running. Well not really running more jogging and shuffling but I am still getting up getting all suited up and taking the dog for runs. This morning I actually saw Otto YAWN while we were running. WOW he actually yawned. My father thinks my baby is going to fall out if I keep running, let me say WOW again. He wanted to know if anyone ever stops me to tell me I am too pregnant to run. So far no one has had the nerve. I live in a tiny town and people have been watching me run for almost 3 years now so they probably just got used to seeing me. God knows I have gotten used to seeing them! Let me just say that a pet peeve of mine is people walking or running on the wrong side of the street. Lets review....if you are running on the road you need to be running against the flow of on coming traffic so that cars can see you. You never run or walk with your back to oncoming traffic. I just can't stand when I am running and some schmuck is walking their dog on the wrong side of the street and then my dog starts getting all excited and wants to pull and jump and say hi to the other dog and I have to look like a dick and pull my dog away while the other person says "Oh he just wants to say hi." guess what, I don't want my dog going nuts trying to say HI to everyone when we are running. Otto is 85lbs and up until last year was never walked on a leash due to the fact that he was a wild mountain dog, now he is a runner and a very good one at that and I also don't want the worlds friendliest dog (Otto) pulling me down when I am 8 months pregnant. So please walk on the correct side of the street.
Ok that is my lecture for the day.
Highlights of this blog are
1. Creepy maternity pants are comfortable
2. People need to learn how to walk on the street so that they don't inconvenience me when I am running. Just kidding (not really, it is way annoying)

I'm back

2008-03-26T10:56:00.003-04:00

It has been ages since I last posted. This is because I have been tired and unmotivated to write anything. Not to mention the fact that when your pregnant that is the biggest thing going on in your life and you want to talk about it all the time and other people want to staple your lips shut because your pregnancy is NOT the biggest thing in their life. So to avoid just blabbing non-stop about my hemorrhoids and my huge belly and what color I painted the baby's room and how it feels like I have a wolverine clawing at my insides I just said eff it. But this morning I am feeling invigorated and I am going to share some of this with any people that might look at this blog, which at this point is probably few considering the fact that when I look at blogs if someone doesn't post for a while I say screw em' and never check back.
OK so I am 31 weeks pregnant. I feel pretty good. A little moody (a lot moody) and sometimes tired (like from 3 pm on) and my feet hurt a lot and sometimes my back too. I am still running even though some people think I am insane. My Dr told me that since I was a runner before I got pregnant I could run as long as I felt good. Well last week I said OK ENOUGH I AM NOT RUNNING ANYMORE I AM ONLY GOING TO USE THE ELLIPTICAL. This was because during my run I felt like I was hauling a boulder around and had a midget on my back and I thought my lungs were bleeding and that my feet were fixin to fall off AND it was freaking cold as hell out. So I told myself that running until 30 weeks was admirable and that now I could call it quits and just use the boring machines at the gym. My mother suggest walking, WALKING, no I can't walk and say that I exercised. I know that walking is exercise but unless I am sweating and breathing heavy I don't feel like I have done a damm thing. Besides she is not a runner and doesn't get that its not easy for runners to just stop running and pick up walking. I am devastate enough as it is that sometimes during my run I have to stop and walk for a few seconds. By the way when I say "run" I mean a slow jogging waddling movement, where my dog is not even really running but doing more of a fast trot and is still way ahead of me. I remember when Otto had to keep up with me, now he gets antsy and annoyed because he wants to run and I can't go as fast as him so he get bored and tries to stop a lot and sniff every blade of grass that comes in his path. So I thought it was over. Then over the weekend we had a day where it was almost 70 degrees outside and I just could not resist so I went out for a run and it was great. I felt really good the weather was perfect nothing was hurting and I didn't even feel that heavy. Running was back on. Of course when I ran yesterday it was early in the morning and the midget was back on my back and the boulder was in my belly and my feet were falling off AND it was cold . Oh well. I am just going to keep running for a while and see how it goes.
That is a little bit of what is happening with me.

Bob's story is just down the page.

2008-03-04T16:21:00.001-05:00

If you clicked on the link in the newsletter hoping to see the story on Bob the neighbor cat just scroll down the page.
Thanks!

Lifestyles of the ungrateful and whiney

2008-02-22T16:36:00.004-05:00

Today I felt like ass at work so Joel let me go home early. I figure I can at least write my blog, even if I was feeling useless in the office. Sometimes I get so jealous of rich people who can just lay around and get pampered through there whole pregnancies. But of course if I was one of those rich people I would probably complain anyway. I guess no one is ever completely satisfied with what they have. Now I will get a bunch of comments from people telling me how happy they are with their lives and how they have nothing and love it. Well I do know that I have 3 of the worlds best dogs and they are all staring at me right now and I love it. I was getting all nervous thinking about how Teddydigital and I were going to care for a newborn and 3 dogs and 1 cat and then I saw some show about a couple who had a set of twins and then had sextuplets!!!! What the eff is that!!!!! I felt like a total baby when I saw that especially when the lady said that her husband lost his job and they had no income for a year and they were fine. The universe provide all the stuff they needed and they were not complaining and acting like a bunch of candy-asses either. It made me grateful that I am only having one baby and that my dogs are pretty low maintenance in comparisons to some dogs I know.
Speaking of dogs Petunia is bugging me to let her have a myspace. I was a little apprehensive because there are a lot of creeps on myspace but I figured what the hell gotta let the dog live so keep your eye out for her and if you are some sort of creep with a sick fetish for plump cute pug/Chihuahua mixes stay away, Petunia is pure and innocent and I will cut you if you mess with her. God, I hope I am not one of those Moms that gose to jail for beating up another Mom at her kids soccer game. I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Lets take a moment to honor Bob.

2008-02-19T16:11:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend our good and loving and special friend Bob the neighbor cat passed away. I found him in the grass under a bush, it looked like he curled up for peaceful nap and the universe decided that it was his time to go. I bet God had his eye on Bob for a while because he is such an awesome cat but God knew that Bob had work to do here on Earth. Bob was almost 18 years old when he passed away. He lived with many people in our neighborhood including Becky and Paul and Teddydigital and myself. Due to the fact that Bob would not use a litter box I made him a bed on my porch with an electric blanket to keep him warm, but on really cold nights he would sleep at Becky and Paul's or with us. In fact a few days before he died it snowed and Bob came in and was hanging out, I noticed that he seemed a little sluggish but I chalked it up to him being cold. Around 11:30pm Paul came over and picked him up to sleep at his house because Paul could leave his window open for Bob to go out and pee and at my house Bob preferred to pee on Teddydigitals sweaters. I went to bed and about 10 minutes later Teddydigital came up and said that Bob was at the family room window asking to come in, so we let him in and he got in bed with me. (We made sure there were no clothes on floor) I just looked at Bob and he started purring and then he curled up and went to sleep. He was so happy to be in the house with us and to be sleeping in bed.
We buried Bob on Saturday and we are planing a memorial service for some time this week.
We all loved Bob and when I come home from work I keep expecting to see him come running to greet me in my driveway.
Rest in peace little Bobsie we will miss you.

The day after valentines day

2008-02-15T15:42:00.002-05:00

Today is the day after Valentines day.
Did you give your girl some candy and she looked all disapointed and bummed?
Did you give your guy a homemade coupon book for foot rubs and he looked sad because he knew that even if he gave you the coupon you would never actualy give the rub?
Yeah, I know I've been there too.
Well everyday is a clean slate and we can always start over fresh that is why I sugguest that you go ahead and give the gift of Crispy Cats.
You just can not go wrong. You can still atone for bad choice that you made.
I sugguest if you want to score big go get a mixed case of bars and tell your loved one that you had to special order it and that is why you did not have it yesterday.
By the way I don't condone lying, I am just throwing it out there.
So that is my tip for today. If you effed up don't worry now you know what to do.

Land whale

2008-02-13T15:28:00.002-05:00

They have been keeping me way to busy here! I have been doing a ton of sales and a bunch of demos and this has left me little time to write about the goings on in this office and in my life.
For one thing I am a land whale. When people see me on the street I bet they are thinking what is that whale doing on the land? Just walking around and what not, quick someone push her back in the water before it is too late. At this point I am 25 weeks pregnat and starting to get a really big tummy. I'm really getting used to being pregnagnt and don't know what I am going to do for excuses once I am no longer pregnant. I guess at that point I can just use the baby as my excuse to wear my PJs out of the house and pretend they are pants.
Also I want to eat the entire world. Did I mention that I am a land whale?

Updates

2008-01-31T17:28:00.000-05:00

Since I have not been able to post for awhile I thought I would update you all on what is going on.
1. If you live in the Asheville area and you want to get some free Crispy Cat samples then come to Earthfare.

I am going to be demoing there on Friday (Arden) that is this Friday and then next friday at the Westgate Earthfare from 11:30-3:30

2. Also I farted on Stu's hoodie and he got really mad. Don't worry we made up.

3. Morgan gave me a really great haircut so now I feel pretty again. If you come to Asheville or live here you should check out her vintage boutqie called Hip Replacements on Lexington ave.

4. We had a new office built into our space by Lewis who told me and Stu really crazy stories about his childhood.

5. About 10 million people made remarks about how big I am. Hey, heres a shocker...when you are pregnant you get bigger!! I know I am totaly breaking ground here but it is the truth!!
also it is very rude to make comments to a pregnant lady about how "big" she looks.

6. Valentines day is almost here so get your sweetie some yummy crispy cats. We are on sale at Earthfare all month so if you are local take advantage.

7. Tonight lost is on with the season premier and I can't wait. If you don't love lost than I think you might be suffering brain damage.

8. The spell checker is broken so pretend you don't see all the spelling errors.

If your local store dosen't carry us heres what you do...

2008-01-16T17:48:00.000-05:00

Galle left a comment about having to smuggle the bars in from Canada. That is just a shame!!!
In the country that claims to be the land of opportunity all people should have accesses to good candy bars!! (I should run for president, I'm good)
Here is what I am going to do for the people of this country.
If you have a local health food store or co-op or whatever and you want them to carry our product and they don't just send me the name of the store and the phone number and I will give them a call. I will give them a sales call they won't soon forget! No seriously I will call them and send them samples and give them good deals to start carrying Crispy Cats.
I will do this because I love the people who love us!!
So don't be shy just e-mail me at ann@crispycatcandybars.com and I will make it happen for you!

Cat scratch fever....i thought I had it.

2008-01-15T16:23:00.000-05:00

This morning I was huggin' my cat Mr. Big. Bigs is like the most loving and friendly cat in the world. He is a huge yellow cat, not fat just tall, sorta like a lion. Anyway one of the best things about him is that you can hold him and cuddle him and kiss him and he loves it. Its like the more attention the better, so that's why I was so surprised this morning when he tried to kill me.
I guess he didn't really try to "kill" me but he did scratch me. I was totally shocked. It was a morning like any other morning, Bigs came into my room and got my sheets all muddy with his dirty feet and then fell asleep. I came in and saw him looking so cute and started kissing him and then I cradled him in my arms like a baby. This is all very normal. Then I guess Bigs wanted to be let go of and he tried to wiggle free so I let him go because no means no right?
Then I gave him on last pet and he took a swipe and his claw got stuck in the web of my finger. I started to panic, I could feel the bacteria and cat poop seeping into my veins. I freaked out!!!
I thought for sure that me and my baby were going to be infected with this deadly virus disease thingy and then be turned into rage zombies.
I called the phone nurse and left a message. Then I looked at Bigs I asked him "WHY, WHY DID YOU DO THAT I LOVE YOU YOU CRAZY SONOFABITCH WHY YOU TRY TO KILL ME??" he just ignored me and licked his paws and his tail then fell asleep. I went to work and I googled Cat Scratch Disease and then I was really scared. I asked Stu about it he said he had it once when he was 15. Then he looked at my scratch and said he thought I was fine, after all he did work at the Harvard medical newsletter place stuffing envelopes so I know he knows something about medical stuff, I mean it practically makes him a doctor but still I was uneasy. I called Teddydigital at his office and asked him if he thought I had it. He said no and then googled it and sent me a bunch of photos of pugs and a kid with a bad cat scratch on his back. I called him again and he transferred me to this lady in accounting named Cherrie who had a cat when she was pregnant and it scratched her a bunch and her kids are fine so I felt a litttle better but not much. I called his office again later and he answered "Cat scratch fever hot line." I hung up. I asked Eric and then his brother if they thought I had it and they said no but still I was not convinced.
Eventual the phone nurse called me back and told me more than likely that it was OK. So I feel a lot better. But if I turn into a rage zombie or my baby comes out like a rage zombie than I know who to blame (Bigs!!!)

I just knew you loved to hear about poop!!

2008-01-10T15:21:00.001-05:00

Thank you to all the awesome people who have been commenting on my blog! I love to know that I am making a difference in the world. And I love to know there are other twisted people who love talking about and laughing about the things that polite and civilized people pretend don't exist.
To answer the lady called Veganmomma....you are right...I don't know why I have a doctor for this pregnancy. Next baby will be with a mid-wife for sure. I think when it came down to it I just figured it made no difference who was going to be in the delivery room with me because I was the one who was going to have to push the baby out of my doughnut. I did not realize what a big deal it was. I do have an awesome Dr and he is really laid back, but all the bulls#$@t that is involved with going the medical route is a total racket and a complete scam. I just figured that my body would just do this thing and the Dr would just be there. But like I said I like my Dr is really nice and his wife is a mid-wife so she is who I will deal with this next time. I also want this veganmomma to tell her kids to call me at my office so I can hear there stories and write about them crapping there cute little pants. They can also just put their stories in the comments and I will promise to check more often.

To the person who wrote the comment in another language that I don't speak: please write the comments in one of the languages I do speak. Thank you.

To the person who said nice head: thanks....I know

and to the lady called Kathy, thanks for your support about rectal exams!! More ladies need to take a stand and say no to strange men putting their hands in our asses!!!!

I have said it before and I will say it again, the people who read this blog ROCK!!

Recomended reading..

2008-01-09T17:11:00.001-05:00

Crispy Cats good friend Morgan recently sent us some little gems from a book Little Richard wrote about himself. I was going to put some quotes in here but I think it infringes on copyrite stuff and I don't think Joel feels like getting sued right now. I will re-cap some of the best ones.
He basically describes how he took a crap in a shoebox and gave it to an old lady for her birthday. He also mentions that he "did his manners" meaning took a crap in a jar and then put it in his mothers pantry next to the preserves. Brilliant. If you want more of that action or your just looking for gift ideas for the person who's got it all then I highly recommend that you get the Little Richard autobiography.

On another note Teddydigital and I found out that we are having a girl!!! I would have mentioned that first but I promised myself that I would not turn this into an obnoxious pregnancy blog because we all know that pregnancy blogs are only interesting to other pregnant ladies. But while we are on the topic of pregnancy let me say that I am totally fed up with the whole medical/doctor/hospital thing. Its all insane, fear-based bulls#@t and I am over it. I have half a mind to say F the hospital and when I go into labor just crawl under my porch and give birth in the mulch like a cat or a stray dog. All the doctors are so freaked out about getting sued that they look for any little thing that could be off and then scare the shit out of you and try and get you to do a whole bunch of unnecessary stuff only to find out that you are carrying a totally healthy perfect babe. Anyway that is all I am going to say about that.
So we are totally excited for a little girl and I am totally giving birth under my porch.

Sorry for the confusion.

2007-12-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

I think there has been a small mix up. A little confusion as to what a public toilet is and is not. Just in case you were wondering if a store front is a public toilet, let me assure you that it is not. Some terribly confused person decided that it was OK to crap all over the front of Hip Replacements in downtown Asheville. They sprayed the store window and walk-way with diarrhea. Then they left it and went about their business as if if were the norm to crap on the window of a store. Morgan is the gal that owns the store and she called me at work and told me what happened. You know, Morgan is a good person, she doesn't deserve to have to scrape poop off her store, so if you are the person that did that I think you owe her an apology. I mean after all it is the holidays and what you did not only lacks class but it also lacks holiday spirit. You are just a gross person. On the upside, it was really funny when Morgan told me about it and even funnier when she did a demonstration of what the person must have done to get crap that high on the window. The downside like I said is that it lacks holiday spirit. The other upside is that it makes a great story. Another downside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it because its in a covered spot. Another upside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it and now its a whole thing, with everyone waiting to see how long it will stay there. Morgan said kip threw water on it but it didn't help. I suppose that is also a downside, Kip had to attempt to clean it up and apparently it didn't work. Gross.
In conclusion, I think the golden rule to follow when it comes to public restrooms is if you don't see an actual toilet bowl than it is not a bathroom and do not proceed with deification. It is also wise to remember that if you are not sure if a location is a bathroom or not notice if you are in a wide open public place. Most of the time if you are in a public place like the middle of downtown than it is not a bathroom, proceed to a place that has indoor plumbing and 4 walls. Thank You

Look at me

2007-12-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

Do you not just love how Stu spiffed up this blog? I love the picture he drew of me. To be totally honest I am not that blond right now, but I asked Stu to make me blond because when I am not pregnant I am blond. Anyway...now the blog looks great before it looked like dog doo.
I have been to many Christmas partys this week and I still have one more to go. I went with my BF April to her party on Sunday and then I escorted Teddydigital to his work party on Monday. I stuffed my face at both events and had a great time doing it. Thursday we have a work party at the Laughing Seed ,which is a very delicious vegetarian restaurant here in Asheville. I already know what I am having.
Just so everyone knows I am the battleship champion. Teddydigital and I went and got the game battleship. You remember the one you played as a kid? Well we went and got it and then I whooped his ass in it all night long!!!!!
Stay tuned for updates on battleship ass whoppings!!

Something smells bad in here.

2007-12-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

Oh that something is me. I am what smells so bad in this office. Stu thought it was the rug. He said it smelled musty, but then he realized that it was me. I sit at my desk and fart. I can't help it. They smell so bad because I have developed a new salad that I eat every day at lunch.
Here is the recipe for fart salad.

I can of Garbanzo beans
1/2 can black olives
1/2 green pepper
baby carrots
balsamic vinaigrette

I think its the can of beans. Yeah, I think that is what is making me fart so much because I don't fart in the morning but after lunch and all night I do. All this after I eat the can of beans.
These farts are really bad too. I feel bad for Stu because I thought he was not being affected by the farts but then he told me he was just trying to be a gentleman. He said that is what you do when a lady be fowls the air.
This is what I learned from that remark about how a gentleman ignores a Lady's farts...if you work in an office and you want to punish someone, make the fart salad and then bombs away. They will probably be to polite to mention the horrible smells. If not then that's OK too because they are still being invaded by your ass.
This is not to say I am punishing Stu because we all know I think Stu is aces.
Stu said that I have to buy him a candle to put on his work station because he can't stand it any more. I am willing to do that because I think if he was a detainee in Guantanamo Bay and I was farting like that to get him to give up information it would be considered inhumane torture and somehow violating the Geneva convention.

Tuesdays with Murry

2007-12-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to the gym with my friend Mary, who I like to call Murry. The gym was disgusting and uneventful. I did some weights and then I did the elliptical machine. It was no biggie except that for afterwards I was really, really hungry and felt really tired. When I went to the locker room I found a granola bar in my gym bag and I ate it. I felt a little better but not much. Then I took a shower and put my clothes on. I met up with Murry in the lobby where I told her I was dying. She said I should ditch work and we should go eat. I agreed but I didn't think that would go over well at the office so I told her I could not. She then offered to make me a smoothie at her house. I took her up on the offer and we proceeded to go to her place. The reason I am mentioning this smoothie is because it was the best smoothie I have ever had. It was so good that I wish I could eat several more right now. The smoothie was bananas,almond butter and soy milk. Then she used a hand blender and mashed it up and it was perfect. This goes to show that simplicity is the way to go. I have had smoothies at Earthfare that had a million different things in it and they don't come close to how yummy that Murry smoothie was.
Like I said before it was the best smoothie I have ever had.
Thanks Murry, you saved my life. I thought I was going to die but your smoothie saved me and my unborn child. I will name my baby after you. I will name my baby Murry.
If anyone wants more info on this lifesaving and delicious smoothie please contact me.

A story to treasure forever...

2007-11-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. I hope that you got to eat and drink and get drunk and have fights with your family. Lets move on that was over a week ago, no one cares anymore.

Life is all about new experiences. Finding the joy in the everyday little things I like to say. I mean isn't that what the holidays are all about. Just treasuring all the beautiful things in life living and breathing every second, every millisecond of your existence as if it were your last? I be live that to be the secret to happiness in this life and I want to share all the beautiful experiences I have with whom ever reads this blog.

On Monday I had to go to the doctor. It was nothing serious. I 'm pregnant so every little thing sends me running to see the doctor. I don't think I was over reacting or anything I mean this is my first time as a pregnant lady so I don't know what the hell to expect! Christ, give me a break!! So anyway I did not get to see my normal doctor. My normal guy is really nice and really Patience and he totally gets that I am neurotic and insane and should be on heavy meds, this guy however did not know me and from what I could tell did not have the time nor the interest to get me. Truly I am insane but as far as crazy people go who have untreated OCD I am not so bad. All my doctors have always loved me. I make up for the lunacy with a good sense of humor and a nice disposition (most of the time) a majority of the people I deal with tend to think I'm pretty entertaining and therefore tolerate the fact that I ask the same questions over and over again. I figure the most basic courtesy I can bestow on the people who have to answerer my questions is an ability to laugh at myself. For example when I was 11 weeks and change pregnant I got sick and had to see my doctor, at that time he listened to the heartbeat of the baby and everything was great. So I said "I can't wait till Sunday cause then I will be 12 weeks pregnant and out of the danger zone." and my doctor said " Actually you are pretty much out of the danger zone right now." so I said " Oh really, so I am out of the danger zone?" and he was like "yes." then he gave me some medical explanation about it and when he was finished I sat for a moment and contemplated what he said and replied " So what you are saying is I am out of the danger zone." he looked at me for a moment and said slowly "yes." I then asked him a slew of questions that were all just cleverly disguised versions of "Am I out of the danger zone." I think he should get to charge my insurance double for visits with me. A few weeks later I had another appointment and after we listened to the heartbeat I looked at my doctor and said "Now I am really out of the danger zone right?" he sighed and said me " Didn't we already have this conversation." I confirmed that yes we did have a conversation similar to this before but no harm in double checking right? He went on to explain to me that nothing is 100% until your baby is born but he was 99% sure that everything was fine and I would have a healthy baby born full term. For most anyone this would have been more than enough assurance that it was OK to stop worrying but unfortunately for me that 1% just really bugged me. Anyway as George Michael so brilliantly said You Gotta Have Faith a faith a faith you gotta have faith faith faith BABY!! So that is the goal people to be more like George and have faith a faith a faith, not the other thing that he dose, you know gay sex at rest stops. As fun as that sounds its not healthy when you're pregnant.

This brings me back to the thing about the other doctor. After I had my exam I mentioned something to the doctor about hemorrhoids. He looked at me and said you know what? Now that you bring it up lets go ahead and do a rectal exam. Oh man why do I always keep talking? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why am I not embarrassed by all the things that other people are mortified about? Just to paint a picture I will describe the scenario in detail so you, the reader will get an accurate and clear idea of how this went down. This other doctor was an older man, a stern no nonsense, African-American man with very large hands. He instructed me to roll on my side and he than took a huge light and shined it on my ass. All the while Teddydigital was sitting right there, he claims he didn't look, that it was to much but I did hear him let out a little laugh as the doctor asked the nurse "Is the lube is this drawer?". He than lubed up and stuck his hand up my ass, making me like a human puppet. It was hideous. The doctor than started giving orders " Bear down like you are going to have a bowel movement!" No I thought NO what kind of sick game is this? My husband is right here in the room and you want me to take a crap on you! Forget it buddy in a few short months I am going to be a mother and you want me to take a crap on you! Sick. What kind of person do you think I am? Go ask your own mother to take a crap in your hand.

Ok I 'm getting carried away. The Doctor was not some creep obsessed with getting pooped on, but he did tell me to bear down like I was going to have a bowel movement. I hope I never hear those words again. When it was all said and done and I had been examined in every part of my body and had someone put their hand up my ass I went home with a "clean"bill of health. I was fine and my baby was fine.

In short if someone ever tells you that they are going to give you a rectal exam just say "Oh Ok......" and then run, run like the wind run like you have never run before. And that is all I have to say about that.

It is time to stuff our faces again....

2007-11-21T12:57:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is almost here. Time to get ill at the table. Time to mumble something that you're thankful for as your family watches on eager to hear what you are thank full for and then cram a bunch of food in your face.
I love the excuse to cram a bunch of food in my face, and this year because I am pregnant I plan to really enjoy myself. The reason is not because I feel like being pregnant is an excuse to be disgusting or to let your self go but rather the fact that all my pants now how an elastic waistband and I don't have to feel ashamed by wearing sweatpants to the table or anything. I just wear my normal pants, that now allow for maximum stuffage with out sacrificing fashion. I will probably take the dog for a run before heading over to my Mothers house, this will leave me feeling extra famished and very justified in a full on face stuffin' throw down massacre. Then I will lay down and fall asleep and feel sick and cranky.

All I am saying is give pickles a chance.....

2007-11-19T17:15:00.001-05:00

Stu and I just got into a very heated discussion about fried pickles. I have to say I was totally blown away by his intolerance to the pickle. I thought of all people Stu would love fried pickles b/c they are so delicious and because Stu is a master snacker. I was so wrong. I thought I knew Stu but I guess there was still a few things I had to learn.
The conversation got started when I mentioned a grammar error I had made and fried pickles were in the sentence. The sentence was " Those fried pickles were so good I could have ate the whole thing." the error being ate, it should have been eaten. Ok so I am ignorant and have bad grammar, big deal. Anyway Stu told me that he ordered the fried platter at the Westville pub and fried pickles were on it and he was totally unimpressed! I was like about what is this guy talking about I was stunned that he didn't love them.
Whats even more disturbing is that Stu doesn't even think of pickles as a food, he thinks they are a condiment and have no place on a menu as a food item. He thinks pickles should just stay where they are on the side of the plate, like little nothings little nobodies. I found this appalling I mean why not give the pickle a chance. If a mushroom can make it as an appetizer or a potato skin for gods sake why not a pickle. A potato skin is not even food, its just the skin of something Else. Most of the time people peal that part off and throw it way. A pickle is a wonderful and under appreciated snack that deserves its shot at fame.
Stu was adamant about this whole issue and we had to cut it short because he was leaving for the day. We will have to resume the debate tomorrow.

Tips on booking a hotel

2007-11-15T16:01:00.000-05:00

Tip#1 When booking a hotel make sure to book one that is not haunted.

Boy I wish I had that tip a few days ago when I booked a hotel for Eric and I in Augusta GA.
We don't have a huge travel budget here at Crispy Cat so we need to get hotels that are modest in price. Usually that is no problem. I have booked many a hotel in the past, all with great results. This time not so much. First off the picture on the computer was a not exactly representative of the actual hotel. Because it looked sort of like crap on the computer but like total ass in real life. As Eric pointed out, it looked like corporate America took a dump all over Augusta.

The hotel itself was on a road that was closed but we were able to get to with a detour. So already it was like a horror movie. We checked in and got our keys and headed up to our rooms. Eric noticed that the elevator looked like they were caging monkeys in it because it looked like the walls had poop thrown all over them. When I got to my room my key would not work. So I went downstairs and got a new one. When I went back up to the room and it opened other people were already staying in the room. At this point I had started laughing hysterically for some reason. And I laughed all the way to the front desk, the front desk agent apologized and told me that they were having some problems with there computer system because they have a ghost and he is upset over the remolding. He said it so nonchalant like it was nothing to have a disgruntled ghost in a hotel. I was in shock. I am so afraid of ghosts and this guy was saying it like you were a total ninny if a pissed off ghost was a big deal to you. I really needed more explanation and more information about this ghost so Jerry went on to tell me that 30 years ago when they were building the hotel a constructing worker fell out of the 5Th floor window and died, now his ghost lives on the 5th floor and ever since they decided to remodel he has not been happy. He apparently goes into the computer system and changes things around. Jerry said that he has seen him on the camera before. I was afraid to ask but I had to know so I asked what he looked like. Tall and thin with long scraggly white hair. Jerry saw the look of sheer terror on my face and told me not to worry that he stays on the 5th floor and he won't bother me. In fact no guests stay on the 5th floor right now. Then he was done with our conversation and took a phone call. I called Eric and told him there was a ghost in the hotel and that I was freaking out. He did not seem overly concerned but I think he was a little afraid too because he said he didn't mind if we switched hotels. I called another hotel but it was booked, it seems they were all booked.
When I went back to the front desk to talk to Jerry about leaving he informed me that all the hotels in Augusta were booked due to a baptist convention. Then he got annoyed and told me that I would not find a hotel in all of Augusta that someone didn't die in so I might as well stay put.
That night I got the worst sleep of my entire night. I thought I found bloody claw marks on the wall and insisted Eric look at them. He thought they were just dirt marks but they looked like someone was trying to claw their way out of the room to me. Clawing until there was just bloody stumps for fingers! I kept the T.V. and the lights on all night. I woke up every hour or so to catch a glimpse of a rerun of The Nanny or Mad about you.
In the morning I got up early and had a lot of time to kill before the demo. I kept myself busy by talking to house keeping about the ghost. They confirmed the story and added there own personal experiences with the ghost. Apparently one housekeeper found him to be a pleasant ghost and very helpful. Turning the radio on for her or plugging in alarm clocks.
I could tell the tale of what happened at the complimentary Continental breakfast but that is another story and too upsetting.
Tomorrow I will re-live the nightmare of the Continental breakfast.

I have risen from the ashes.

2007-11-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that I have not posted in a long time. Well that is because I was sick. Then I died. Then I can back from the dead. Now I am a zombie.

Seriously, I had a respiratory infection and was out of commission most of the week. I was forced to lay on the couch and watch the most hideous T.V. ever. At first it wasn't so bad I got to catch up on all the back episodes of "Shot at love with Telia Tequila" WOW, that is the best-worst show ever. I just was baffled at the fact that these people are serious about "finding love" by participating in competitions like sitting in a chair and spinning around until totally dizzy and then trying to run with a tray of margaritas. All to impress the beautiful and Bi-sexual Tila Tequila. It is the first reality love show to include men and women both competing for the same lady. One day, I watched 4 hours of that show! Just back to back episodes of pure American splendor and fun!!
I am starting to wonder if America is getting dumber or if I am getting smarter.
I think its just that I noticed that T.V. has a lot of stupid shows and that a reality show with smart people would be boring because a person with even just half of their brain would never humiliate themselves on T.V. So thank God for stupid people willing to look like a fool on T.V. otherwise it would have been a long week for me!
A show that I think is funny is the Sarah Silverman program. Teddydigital and I watched the entire first season on DVD . The show is a little like this blog in that it relies heavily on scatological humor. And there is a dog on the show named Doug that looks just like my dog Inky. All a show needs to do to hook me is somehow involve a cute dog. If that's all it takes for me to be sold on a show perhaps I am one of the stupid people
I don't care, I love shows with little cute dogs, especial ones with funny names like Doug!

Team Shocker update!

2007-11-02T12:12:00.000-04:00

Eric Usher sales and marketing director and Teddydigital loving husband to yours truly both play on a little flag football team called the Shockers. If you know what a shocker is than I apologize for the vulgar and gross name. If you don't know what a shocker is than I suggest you ask a school nurse or a porn star or something. Anyway I told Andrew, I would report on the game. I don't understand football so its hard to report on the game but here are my general observations.

I noticed that my husband is a very tall man. I don't think of him as all that tall but then I see him standing next to other guys and I see it. he is 6'4 and I am 5'2 and I always feel like we are the same height.

I noticed that Eric spent a lot of time at work doing some little drawings and then photocopying them and he called them "plays" I have no idea how that works.

I noticed that they were calling a member of the other team a "baby seal." Not because he was really cute and cuddly but because he flops around and pretends to get knocked down. Andrew refereed to the baby seal as a " School girl bitch" or something like that.
Just let it be known that I don't approve of the term school girl bitch. I think a more suitable term is candy-ass bitch. Being called a girl should never be an insult. Girls are awesome and we are an under appreciated group, don't even get me started!!

I also noticed that football has a lot of rules that I don't understand and that I don't care to understand. Plus I hate Michael Vick and he plays football.

I can't say that I don't like going because I do. Usually I see a friend or two when I go and I end up spending the whole time talking or running around with someones baby that they brought with them.
Male egos running rampant and going long. That seems to be a theme with football. I don't get it, I guess there are somethings that have to remain mysterious so that life can be interesting.

The people who comment on this blog ROCK!!!

2007-10-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

I just want to give a shout out to all the peeps who commented on the blog recently!! To the gal in AZ, don't worry my husband knows I am what keeps this relationship cool and fart story's will never get old to me!! And to the person who commented on the hippie zombie post, we will always continue to give away free candy to nice people like you!

Sunday Ari had a little brunch and invited the whole office. That was very brave of him. There were a lot of people there that I didn't know so it sort of forced me to be on my best behavior. At least my better behavior, if you can even call it that. I enjoyed some delicious fruit and bagels and juice. Everyone at the brunch seemed to be very normal, meaning that everyone was polite and friendly and their clothes were clean and neat. We all had a very nice time. It really sucks that something outrageous or disgusting didn't happen because really there is nothing to write about. I guess in that sort of situation I would usually be the one to make something like that happening, but I held back, I felt a little tired and i didn't have gas:(

Another time that I held back was at my good friend Molly's mom's Seder. Molly's mom Loren invited me every year to enjoy all the Jewish holidays with their family, seeing as I lived far from my family and also because even though I'm not Jewish I like to party with Gods chosen people. At this particular Seder there were some old school relatives that I didn't know and that, I guess Molly wasn't into. They were old and a little stuffy and the conversation at the table was a little boring. Loren by the way is another person that rocks because she always made a vegetarian matzo ball soup for me and it was so good! At one point the conversation was about how these ladies were all in a book club together and they read books by Jewish authors and then got together to eat snacks, drink coffee and discuss. Molly leaned over to me and whispered " Why don't you roll the dice and get this party going. Ask if they are going to read Madonna's sex book, since now her name is Ester and she's a Jew." I considered it for a moment. It was tempting but I decided in the end that if she wanted to ruin her mothers Seder than I would support her but I would not be the one to initiate it. She understood and decided not to ask about Ester's sex book. I think that it was for the best but it would have been awesome.

Company of the year!!! Take that zombies!

2007-10-24T12:43:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was L.E.A.F and of course we were there selling bars and sampling out candy. LEAF is this big hippie fest that happens twice a year here in the Asheville area, I would probably not go to it if I wasn't working it. To be honest I find the whole "hippie" scene around here really boring and unoriginal. I might be feeling this way because I am a little over people with all their ideas about how a company should be run approaching me at demos and events. I get harassed by the same type of person at every event. I will give you a quick overview of said person....

1. They smell horrible due to a lack of deodorant and a claim that "excessive hygiene" is not cool.
2. They want to scrutinize the new product and compare and contrast it to the old product. Thus preventing me from engaging with others and subjecting me to boring and repetitive conversations.
3. They want to villinize us for no longer making the candy bar by hand. Because they of course have never made one by hand and have no idea what is involved.
4. They want to tell me how the business should be run and they want to give suggestions that make no sense and are impossible
5. They think money is evil and anyone who wants to earn a decent and honest living is a jerk and a sell out and very unspirtual .

Perhaps I sound a little bitter but image that you are giving someone something for free and all they do is criticize it and look for what is wrong with it. All the while they are eating up more than their fair share of samples. So rude. Really people,rude. I just think that some people would rather see the company go under and have to shut down rather than expand so that even more people can have a delicious candy bar alternative. At a better price I might add. Yes we are no longer making them by hand but that means that people all over the world get to enjoy Crispy Cats! We get to show people how to eat healthy and cruelty-free and still have a candy bar. Its pretty amazing, but some can only stay stuck in their small, narrow minds that don't include change.
That's what this boils down to: CHANGE!!!!!
That is what life is about. If you can't go with change than you might as well go eat a snickers because that is all you are going to be able to buy. Thats right you heard it here first. Don't say we didn't warn you. If you decided to be a hater than you are going to have to eat snickers bars for the rest of your life insteed of yummy Crispy Cats.

Here is the bottom line. We just won company of the year from Vegnews!!! I found this out as I was writing this blog and that is the best news I have had all day! So that is all I am going to tell those hippie zombies the next time they start harassing me about the bars being made in Canada!! By the way, why is everyone hating on Canada?? That is one awesome country! First off I would like to mention that we were unable to find a local place that would uphold our strict vegan and gluten-free, kosher standards so we were forced to find it elsewhere! AND all those people are always saying how effed up this country is and blah blah blah so you would think they would be stoked that we would make our candy in such a peaceful friendly country. Of course they are upset because its cool to only want to buy things that are local, even though we are technically a local company and by the way we are the company of the YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I invite everyone to tell me what you think. I would love to hear what people think about what they just read. If you have a problem with Canada I want to hear about it, and then I want to tell you how douchy you are because Canada rocks!
If you would rather us go out of business but still make the bars by hand let me know and I will train you in how to make them and you can come over and do it till your hands fall off.
I know this all may sound a little angry but I get sick of being attacked by zombie hippies at every event I go to, especially since all I'm trying to do is give people free candy.

I have an exciting life.

2007-10-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Here is an account of what happened this morning on my drive to work.

I am an animal lover. Meaning that I LOVE ANIMALS, a lot and sometimes (all the time) more than people. I guess I 'm not talking about the people in my lives really, but if you give me a choice between a random person at the mall or a, lets say a cockatoo or a pug, I choose the pug and the cockatool. Actually if given the choice to hang out with a pug or a member of my family, I choose the pug. I would also like to mention that I don't have a pug fixation. I do love pugs but I don't have one, I live with a chug. Petunia is a chichwawa pug mix, hence a chug. I also live with Inky an aging 1olb killing machine, he is a terrier mix and with Otto a 5 year old golden retriever that Teddydigital and I rescued last year. Mr.Big is the cat, I can't say that I "have" a cat because we all know cats don't play that. But he lives in our house and eats the food I put out for him and sleeps in the bed provided for him. I love him and he is the nicest cat one could ever hope to meet. Then there is Bob. Bob is 17 years old and he is a cat that just lives in our neighborhood but he loves to sleep over at my house with Bigs so I consider him one of the crew.

As I was driving to work I saw a young golden retriever hanging on the side of the road with some construction workers. I immediately knew who he was. He lives a few streets over from me and he is forever slipping out of his fence. Once he was out and hidding in the bushes and jumping out on cars and I pulled over and put him back in his yard. Another time I was running with Otto and he started running with us. I corralled him back into his yard and about 4/10ths of a mile later turned around to see him running behind me. I ran him home and tried to see if his owners were home but no one was. So this morning I put my hazards on a called him over to my car. He seemed happy to see me, but had no interest in going into my car. When I got out of my car he ran into the street, then stoped and moseyed around sniffing the pavement while cars came shrieking to a halt honking horns at him. he acted like he didn't even notice the commotion he was causing and instead ran back overt to the construction workers and acted like he was with them.
I wasn't sure what to do because he would not get in my car and I was in the middle of the road. I tried to tell myself that he would be ok with the construction workers and I started to drive away. I knew in my heart that I could not just let him be, I had to do something. I pulled my car down the street and figured I would just get out and walk him home, but when I looked I saw him running down the street after a dachshund I knew I had to go after him. Not to mention that I have morning sickness as well so really I just wanted to puke on him.
I ran to the car and raced down the street and pulled in on a side street that wasn't very busy and lured him over. He came running over and seemed to have forgotten that just moments earlier had tried to lure him into my car. When I tried to hoist him up he collapsed himself , like a passive resistance type of thing and just stared up at me blankly while I held him in my arms. This is a golden retriever by the way, a hefty breed to say the least. Now a crowd was starting to gather because it looked like I hit him with my car and was cradling him in my arms when really I was begging him to just let me put him in my car. Finial after a bunch of people offered to pick him up I just said enough and hoisted him up and tossed him in the car. I drove him back to his house and he jumped back in the fence. His people were not home so I just gave him a stern waring and went to work.
My life is really exciting. More exciting than Chuck Norris even.

foux pas are funny

2007-10-08T16:36:00.000-04:00

The last night of trade show the company got invited out to have dinner at a hip vegetarian cafe in Baltimore. Some people in high places took a liking to the company and we felt honored to have been included. It had been a long 5 days already and I was pooped, not to mention sick and tired. I can't tell you why I was sick and tired, its a secret, I can tell you in a few weeks. So stop asking already! Anyway, I also had terrible gas. Really bad. I mean so bad that the day before I accidentally let one slip and it smelled so bad that Eric jumped out of our mini-van and walked back to the hotel.

It's really not my fault. I did purposely gas out Ari one night when we were driving back to our hotel though. Ari and I had custody of the mini-van seeing as we were very far from the convention center. Now, I don't mind driving but I'm used to Teddydigital doing all the driving, partly because he's a nice guy and partly because my driving scares him. So when Ari decided to get bombed, I was forced to drive. It made me a little mad because I was tired and n0t in the mood to drive, but I had no choice if I wanted to get back to my hotel so I could hear that dog barking in the projects across the street all night long. So I drove, and all the while Ari slurred "I don't drwink, I donnn dwrink" . I felt the raging furry in my bowels and just knew that it had to come out. So I rolled up the windows and then locked them ,as the worst smell in the world hit us both. Ari screamed and wailed but to no avail I would not roll down the window. Then I did it twice more. It sounds really harsh but it was well deserved.

At dinner, unfortunately was when my gas back fired on me. Normally I have control over my bowels but for many reasons this time I did not. For one I was tired and for two I had spent many days trying to hold in farts while at the trade show. So combine being tired with being hungry and with the fact that I had exerted a rather large amount of energy over the past four days holding farts in. Now picture me at dinner with the whos who of the natural food industry and I am a little tired and cranky and a little gassy.

At first the dinner was going slow and I feeling a little under stimulated. I really didn't know anyone except the people who I work with and it was crowded and a little hard to hear. Ari was on my left and Eric was on my right. Then Lelia and her friend Dean showed up and the party started to get rollin'. I started having a lot of fun talking with Dean and Lelia. Then before I knew it I had a little tofu in my belly and I was shouting and laughing and telling stories. That's when it happened. It just slipped out and I really didn't realize it until it was too late. I was carrying on and having to much fun to tell that one had snuck out and it was not until the retched smell hit the air that I started to panic. The smell was reported later as the worst one yet and it hit Ari and Eric hard. They both lept up at the same time from the table with their shirts over their noses and tried to run. Fearful that if they left it would be obvious that it was I who lay the fart I started clutching at Eric. I griped his shirt as I pleaded with my eyes not to run, but he could not handle it and he broke free from my death grip and ran to the safety of the bar. There I sat, alone with the smell and across from me sat all the big wigs and my boss Joel. Everyone was doing the polite thing and pretending not to smell the most putrid smell they may have ever smelled. I on the other hand was in peals of laughter, I don't know why because it only further proved I was the guilty party but I just could not stop laughing! Joel look at me from across the table and shrugged his shoulders " Oh well." was all he could muster up. I 'm sure he was very close to passing out and may have been in a fart induced delirium. Ari and Eric got drunk at the bar while waiting for the storm to pass. Ari said that it was so bad he didn't even think we could be friends anymore. When I heard that it brought back the hysterical fit I had been in earlier. I immediately called Teddydigital to tell him the story.

This is my favorite Crispy Cat story to date.

A response to the comment left on "Line Hijinks"

2007-10-08T16:28:00.000-04:00

I would like to respond to the comment left on "Line Hijinks"

The comment was totally lost on me. First of all that little story was not my "take on the trade show experience" it was half of a little vignette I was writing about Ari. And for the record I went around and asked many vendors for many samples and I also was a vendor who got asked for many samples and gladly handed them out. So that is that. However I am happy that someone commented on the blog.

Now on to the rest of my story.
I don't remember the rest of my story anymore.

Trade show hijinks......

2007-10-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

Ari was my hotel buddie during the trade show. Meaning we stayed in the same gross, busted hotel on one side of town while Eric and Joel stayed at a beautiful clean hotel on the other non-getto side of town. It was OK because I delighted so much in watching Ari hate our hotel that it totaly made up fpr the fact that we were in a hotel that had a greyhound bus sataion and travel staion attachted to it. As we suveyed the "work out room" Ari kept saying "We will surive, we will survive" but what he was really saying was "I hope I survive whatever diseases I get from this place." its not like we were going to war and it was possible that we were'nt going to survive, we were just working out on outdated gym equipment.

Don't cry I will be back soon.

2007-09-25T13:30:00.000-04:00

If you are a loyal reader and you love me please don't cry when you read the following news....I will be at Expo East until next Tuesday!

So there will be no new blogs until then, unless I get to a computer while I am on the road. Call Ari and tell him to buy me a lap top. Just call him and bother him I do it all the time. Ari is the CFO of this place so if you need a loan or a ride to work or something just give him a call.

He also looks a lot like Joel, just with out the tattoos. So, sometimes it's confusing, especially if my bangs have fallen in my face or something and I am seeing him out of the corner of my eye.

My point is that he is the money person around here so if you feel outraged about the fact that I can't do my blog, than don't come cryin' to me, call Ari.

Anyway, bye, I 'll miss you.
If my dogs are reading this then Inky, Petunia and Otto I will miss you guys and I love you!!
If my cats are reading this then Mr. Big I will miss you and I love you.
If my husband is reading this than Teddydigital I will miss you and I love you.
And if Bob the neighbor cat is reading this than Bob I will miss you and I love you.

Line hijinks

2007-09-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

Recently Mary told me about an experience she had in a local coffee shop, it was horrifying.

Whilst waiting in line , a practice that Mary hates, she learned something new.

A small girl was thirsty and wanting her mother to buy her a bottle of water. The little girl said "Mommy, I want a bottle of water" and the mommy said " Oh, you mean earth juice? You want mommy to get you a bottle of earth juice?" Mary was aghast. The incident was described as embarrassing and uncomfortable, and what falls into the category, according to Mary as line hijinkss. I was intrigued, what I wondered is line hijinkss? Line hijinkss are all the things that people do while waiting in line that are inconvenient and/or annoying and obnoxious to others. I have been guilty of line hijinks many, many times. Some of my biggest offenses have been....

Paying for things in change and taking a long time to count my pennies

Spacing out on a long line instead of figuring out what I want to order and then debating out loud what I should get.

Having a tickle fight with Teddydigital and encroaching on the space of others.

Dropping my bag and having the contents spill all over the floor, usually reveling personal items that make others uncomfortable; such as but not limited too, pamphlets on chronic constipation and personal lubricants

Starting up conversations with strangers just to pass time, usually when its obviously they don't want to forge a new friendship.

Those are the line hijinks's I have been guilty of and will admit to. One line hijink that is totally unforgivable is the person that stands in a line and just farts. Just farts and acts like they have no idea that a horrible smell is invading everyones face and making them want to simultaneously puke and punch someone.

If you have other forms of line hijinks that you would like to contribute please let me know.

Please read if you are a squirrel and/or operate a moter veichel

2007-09-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

Lately I have seen way to many squirrels run over on the road. Not just a few, but a ton! I counted 8 on 240, I was horrified. We need a better plan, a better way of co-existing with the squires, we need to stop running them over with our cars. And the squirrels need to do their part as well, that is why I am doing a how to for squirrels and for the operators of moter vehicles pass this along.

This part is for the squirrels......

We all need to do our part in road safety, even you squirrels. Yes you're cute and fuzzy and funny to watch but there is nothing funny about how you cross the street. So I have outlined some safety tips that should help ensure that you live another day or at least a few more hours.

1. This is the simplest rule but most often the most forgotten LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS. I see squirrels just running all willy nilly into the street and then trying to abort the mission when cars are racing towards them bring me to #2

2. Once you have made the decision to cross, stick with it and follow Thu until completion. After you have looked both ways and seen that the coast is clear just go for it. Thus avoiding all the zig zaging all over the place and we all know what zig zaging leads to.

3. Don't try to cross to a place that is uncrossable. Meaning if you see that on I-240 w there is a huge concrete divider that is 4 feet high and you have to run and then leap on to it to avoid the rush hour traffic then be smart and don't do it.

4. Most importantly use your tiny head. Being cute can get you only so far in this world. I have done 2 squirrel rescue missions because of flippant road crossing antics. All accidents that could have been avoided. By the way I was not the one that injured the squires with my car I was the one that witnessed the crime and then intervened and took the squirrel with the broken leg to Dr. Pablo's office.

This is for the operators of motor vehicle

1. Stop being so selfish and thinking that animals have no business in the road. We have invaded their would and put are cars and roads and bulls*#@t in their home and then we run
them over.

2. Pay attention when you see an animal lingering on the side of the road, squires are impulsive and make rash choices they are known for racing out, its your job to notice and slow down.

3. If you do hit a squirrel with your car then you need to get out and check to see if you need to take him/her to the vet. Don't be so cheep, its your fault for being a part of the most greedy species of animals on the planet, totally encroaching on all other animals territory and then coping an attitude when inconvenienced by other beings.

4. Be nice and toss nuts out your car window in heavily populated squirrel areas. its the least you can do.

Why did'nt someone tell me....

2007-09-14T10:07:00.000-04:00

There's this website chronicbabe.com. The whole thing is a resource for women with chronic illness. I must say I think they are pretty cool, the editor and founder Jenni has done some kick ass reviews of our product and for that we will love her always.
So this morning I go on to her site just to check it out and I was shocked to see that there was a contest, a blogging contest, and I was not included!!!!!!!!!!
The contest was the thinkers blog, something about thinking, I'm not sure if it was blogs that make you think or people who are serious thinkers writing blogs. Either way I think I fall into both categories and should have been nominated and then won!

You might be saying, whoa Ann, slow your roll there are a lot of good blogs out there what makes you so special? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I laugh a lot when I write this blog and then when I re-read it I think its pretty funny AND I also cover some intense topics that make people think too. Such as, animal rights and incontinence and vegetarianism and a lot of very helpful how to pieces I also deal with family and marital issues and conflict resolution. That is just a few the list goes on and on and I have to make some sales calls so I can't write the whole thing OK!

Perhaps I need to make up an award and then award it to myself. This is inspiring me. I am officially inspired.

Stay tuned for my awards ceremony where I will be presenting myself with a VERY prestigious award!

A book report on Skinny Bitch

2007-09-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

Today is a holiday and I 'm having a hard time working. I feel unfocused and I want to lay on the floor of my office and stare at the ceiling. Stu the graphics guy just found a bunch of old school Crispy Cats and wanted to know if he was allowed to eat them till he pukes. I told him yes, that is our company policy, eat candy bars until you puke. Everyone is being super quite in the office, even me. I think I will refrain from eating candy bars till I puke because I am not into the whole binge and purge scene, bulimia is so out this season. I think being anorexic is out this season as well, at least that's what I read on Yahoo news, something about baning super skinny models. Speaking of all that I think its high time I did that book report I promised the gals over at Skinny Bitch headquarters I would do.

Here goes.......

A book report by Ann Sweeney
Skinny Bitch
Written by: Two skinny bitches Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

I will say that I support the ideas in this book for the most part. I have a feeling that most of the people who read this book are already skinny bitches. As evidenced by pictures of Posh Spice holding it. By the way, Posh is so thin that she can literally fax herself places and for the record being that skinny doesn't look good and it certainly doesn't look healthy. It actually has an age accelerating effect where women who might look beautiful otherwise has starved themselves into looking like skelator. Anyway that has nothing to do with the book. The book is basically about veganism. Underneath all the insults and shaming is the basic message of a vegan diet. I guess if they called their book Vegan Bitch it might not have been so popular. Personally, being called names has never motivated me to change but if that works for some people than I think its great. I can't argue with anything they say in the book and I stand behind their beliefs. I liked how they added all the stories about what happens in the slaughterhouses. It's important for people to know how they got that big, nasty, fat laden burger and all the suffering that was a result of their choices. Good for you skinny bitches! They out line some really good menu ideas that are helpful and give a ton of lists with a lot of really good products, including Crispy Cat!

A part of me liked all the insults and name calling. It was fun.
Let me break this down for you....
Skinny Bitch, good book about veganism disguised cleverly so that L.A. women who could care less about animals but hate being fat will by it.
Hopefully people will read the stories about the animal suffering and will feel moved to make a change.

While I was writing this Stu came over and told me about something called pug bowling and I started freaking our thinking people were hurting pugs, I could just picture some ignoramus sliding a pug down a bowling lane and it getting its chubby little body stuck in that machine that picks up the pins and resets them. Luckily it was nothing of the sort! I investigated and it was something lame but not hurting any pugs. I love me some pugs and if anyone tries to hurt one they will get their ass kicked. That rule applies to all dog breads and cats too, actually any animal for that matter.

Ok so I hope people will read this book and think about making some changes, not just so they can be skinny but so they can stop sucking.

Just eat a Crispy Cat and be happy.
I think they should consider calling the book Vegan Betch, deal with it!

Tell me what you want.

2007-09-10T16:42:00.001-04:00

Just in case you did not know, you can subscribe to this blog and get it sent to your e-mail everyday. Yes, everyday. You won't even have to do anything other than hit the subscribe button and then just sit back and enjoy.

Now lets get down to business. Since putting it out there for people to give me stories about slacksadents I have gathered some really funny stories. Especially from Stu or graphics guy and from Mary and from really everyone els I mention it to. Apparently a lot of people have had experience with crapping their pants and have no qualms talking about it. And every time I retell one of these stories people are laughing so hard they're crying and then suddenly remember "this time when...." and so on and so forth. The circle keeps getting bigger and I feel like I am really providing a much needed safe place for these great stories that previously people have not had an outlet for. It has been unacceptable to discuss bowel malfunctions or loose stool that came unexpectedly, until now. But here is my question....I don't want this blog to take a turn for the worse and become something ill. I only want to go forward with this project if it is what the people want. You must comment and let me know if you want to hear all these wonderful stories. If not that's OK, perhaps you have reached your poop limit and you thought it was funny and now its gross. Or perhaps you think its always funny and you want more. I don't know so I'm asking you. I know that its funny to me and since no one is commenting on this blog I might just be writing for myself anyway and that's OK too because I laugh my ass off when I 'm writing those stories.

By the way, scatological humor is totally legit so don't feel like your a dumb ass for liking it.

Oily discharge is not OK

2007-09-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Finally someone responded to my requests to submit stories for my new epic novel Oops I crapped my pants. The person who told me their story asked me to keep him anonymous and even though I don't really want to, I will respect his wishes.

This man. who shall remain nameless was on a train traveling to see a friend. During his travels he got a little peckish and needed a snack. Since he was in a hurry he was forced to get a snack from a vending machine in the train station. This person is normally a label reader and tries his best to pick healthy snacks but on this particular day he didn't. So he makes his selection, thinking he was just getting a regular bag of chips. He eats the chips and forgets all about it.

Later on.......

Our friend finally arrives at his distention around 2 hours after he ate the "chips" and is standing in his friends apartment about to make a phone call. As he waiting for the person to pick up on the other end he had a sudden and totally shocking turn of events......in his pants!!!!!

He totally crapped his pants, and he didn't even see it coming! He was so disturbed by this slacksadent that he racked his brain trying to figure out what it could have been that would have caused him to have a total breakdown in his bowel system. Somewhere along the line some thing malfunctioned and the signal that tells a grown man to go to the bathroom was disengaged, hence the unfortunate dropping of an ass bomb. So, this guy goes Thur his bag and finds the culprit. It was the bag of seemingly innocent and unassuming chips he had consumed several hours earlier, they were filled with the substance known as Olestra. It is a widely known fact that Olestra can cause "anal leakage or an oily discharge from the anus." Those are the words on the package and those were the experiences of our friend who suddenly found himself with soiled pants.

Just like that he went from a normal adult who is potty trained to an incontinent man in need of a diaper. In 2 minuets, the time it took to inhale those chips , his dignity was gone.

I can tell you this, you will never have anal leakage or an oily discharge from eating a Crispy Cat Candy Bar. No, never, in fact are label states that our product will not cause any oily discharges and your anus is guaranteed not to leak or your money back guaranteed.

There are not a lot of guarantee in life and very few things are certain but one of them is that anything that causes your ass to leak is definitely not good for you and the other is that vegan, gluten-free and kosher Crispy Cats are the sane choice when it comes to snacking, because after all we care about our costumers and even though it makes for good stories we don't want anyone to crap their pants because of something they ate.

The chicken truck....it was bad.

2007-09-05T16:46:00.000-04:00

I was traveling to Atlanta Ga on Monday, (no not to find Michael Vick so I could scratch his eyes out) Digital and I were going to have a romantic getaway. As we were driving I saw a chicken truck, a truck chock full of chickens. It was so sad.
There were tons and tons of chickens in tiny wire cages and the cages were so small the chickens could 'nt even sit up, they were all hunched over and cramped. All I could think about when I saw that horrible truck of impending suffering and doom was what about the poor chickens in the middle? How do they even breath? So depressing and so cruel.

Upon seeing my distress Teddydigital tryed to cheer me up by say that perhaps the chickens were going off to a chicken sanctuary somewhere, that hippies from Asheville rescued them and were taking them someplace nice. I added that yes maybe the chicken liberation front had a hand in it and it was just some of the many chickens that had be rescued.

Of course we all know that's not true. They went someplace bad.
If you could have seen their little faces....I can't even stand remembering there little white fluffy bodies all smooshed into those cages. It was like the people who put them in there didn't know they were animals.

I know this is a sad post and tomorrow it will be funny again. Somethings are just not funny, and the chicken truck is one of them.

If you like my blog and you think its sexy c'mon people let me know

2007-08-30T16:26:00.000-04:00

If you love my blog like you say you do then why don't you post comments?
If you love me then post a comment.
Because I love you and would post a comment on your blog......that's emonital manipulation and it's wrong of me....sorry....

I recently had a religious experience. In general I'm the sort of person who is prone to having experiences with the paranormal and supernatural, but this was an honest to god spiritual experience. I think this is right up there with seeing the virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, and I did happen to have a virgin Mary sighting in 1995 but no one believed me and my parents thought I was becoming a schizophrenic and tried to put me on medication. This is not like that time.

I was driving to a demo in Charleston, SC and I was already having an emotional time because I had PMS. Then the check engine light goes on in Teddydigital's car. So now I'm freaking out and really mad about the fact that I had to use my own car for business because the check engine light is on. So I call Teddydigital and tell him this and he tells me to go to the Toyota dealership and have them check it. That really made me mad because I had no idea where the Toyota dealership is and he didn't seemed the slightest bit concerned with my car breaking down on the side of the road and either
a) A mack truck running me over.
or
b) Getting raped and killed by insane meth addicts.
Both of which happen in this day and age all the time. It's actually quite common really. The only thing I could think to do was keep getting off at exits and seeing if I could find a service station. It was already 4:00 and I knew places would be closing soon. I got off at the next exit and there were a few old, and scary looking gas stations but no service stations and the gas stations looked like they were being manned by the very meth addicts I was trying to avoid. The next exit looked sketchy and I passed it by but the following exit looked hopeful. I started driving down a long road filled with a bunch of crap that wasn't helpful, I started to worry that if I went too far or took too many turns I might get lost. I began to despair. It seemed like all was lost. I started to feel scared and lonely and I instantly knew just what Jim Morrison was talking about when he said people look strange when you're a stranger so I did what people do when they are scared and lonely, I prayed.
I prayed God, I'm totally lost and I have no idea where the Toyota dealership is and I don't want to get attacked by meth addicts and sold into an underground ring of sex slaves so please help me. I am turning this over to you because I don't know what I should do.

Just as I was finished with the last word it was like a miracle, behind the tress was the Toyota dealership! It just came into sight and it was miraculous indeed. So I pulled over and the people there were so nice and they fixed my car and sent me on my way free of charge! A total spiritual experience and a good lesson in trusting the universe.

Like I said, it's no grilled cheese Virgin Mary, but it's something and it was way cool.

Send me your stories.

2007-08-29T16:47:00.000-04:00

Do you want to be in a book?
Do you want to be famous and desirable to members of the opposite sex?
Do you want to be remembered forever?
Do you want your life to mean something?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions than I have the opportunity of a life time for you. Be a part of the craze that is sweeping the nation.

Send me any stories you have about crapping your pants and I will include it in my book Ooops, I crapped my pants. Even if you have never crapped your pants but just know someone who did, call me or email me the story. Even if you just heard a story from a friend who knew a guy who knew a guy, that will work too. The best stories are involving people who are totally sober when they crap their pants but drunk stories are OK too.

Don't hesitate and miss the opportunity to make American history.

*This is not a joke, call now!*

Michael Vick you're goin' down....

2007-08-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

I want to write about a religious experience I had this week but I am too distracted by thoughts of Michael Vick. So let me just get it out of my system so I can go on with my day.

I totally want to scratch Michael Vick's eyes out! There I said it!! I don't care how that sounds because it is so true, and it's not like I don't say it all the time anyway. I told Teddydigital this and he said it would be impossible for me to scratch his eyes out because he would have bodyguards all around him. Even though I have been going to the gym a lot, I'm not sure I could take on several bodyguards at once. Maybe if I watch the fight scenes in Kill Bill I could get some moves but it seems unlikely I would be able to pull it off, especially because I don't really want to hurt anyone,. That is except for Michael Vick. I asked Teddydigital if he would help me scratch Michael Vick's eyes out. My plan was to make my self totally stiff , like a little ruler and then Teddydigital could hold my legs and push me through the body guards like a stick and then I could scratch his eyes out, afterwards Digital could just pull me back and we could book outta there. He said no. Digital said that if we see Michael Vick he is throwing me in the car and racing away. I don't understand. Don't our marriage vows mean anything to him? For better or for worse? To have and to hold your wife like a stick so she can scratch a man's eyes out? Well, I don't know about him, but I heard that part of our vows and I totally care about it too!

I guess in the long run it's better that I don't act on that impulse. I mean someone has to be the better person, and it's not like me mauling Vick brings back all the dogs he killed or erases all the suffering they went through. Tt just lands me a little time in the clink. Besides Vick's life is over. He keeps getting his ass handed to him everyday so really I need to focus my attention elsewhere. Now, you may be wondering who I should be focusing on? I am so glad you asked, but you're probably going to get bummed because I was so bummed when I found out I was going to have to start harassing Ellen DeGeneres! Yes that's right ELLEN DEGENERES! I saw on T.V. that she is the new spokesperson for Tide cold water detergent! Who makes Tide? PROCTER AND GAMBLE!!!! And what do PROCTER AND GAMBLE do? They ABUSE ANIMALS NON-STOP, they make MONKEYS DRINK TIDE!!!! Yes and you know its true! If Ellen was not always talking about how much she loves animals and blah blah blah then I might not be as upset but she totally claims to love animals. So why is she in bed with Procter and Gamble? I mean they are the worst of the worst. And don't think if you use Tom's of Maine you're in the clear because Procter and Gamble bought them out and now they own Tom's of Maine's ass. Tom from Maine is a sell out. Anyway, Ellen was on the T.V. just going on and on about how we can help the environment by washing our clothes in cold water but she never once mentioned that she was a corporate sell out and that she thinks it's OK to make monkeys drink laundry detergent. I was sad because up until that moment I liked Ellen, and I thought she cared about animals, but I guess I was wrong, she only cares about money.

I know, let's all call the studio and tell them how lame it is that Ellen makes monkeys drink Tide and that we won't watch her show or tolerate her until she quits working for Procter and Gamble. Let me know how it goes!

Ooops, I craped my pants!

2007-08-22T12:46:00.000-04:00

I have decided to write a book that is going to put me on the map! I had a Divine inspiration and I know this is the book God wants me to write. The holy spirit moved me and I instantly knew what my life's work is to be. Don't anyone dare try and steal my idea. I will pummel you if you try. I mean it. If someone tries to publish a book filled with true stories about people crapping their pants, you're as good as dead. I will come to your book signing and cause a huge scene. Oh and I think you know I will, so don't test me. Anyway, let's move on ......

This world is in need of a good laugh and nothing is funnier than this topic. When all the media covers is sadness and despair, I will bring the public the rub they so desperately need.
Yes, I'm going to go around compiling story's about people crapping their pants!! It is just so funny I don't know how it won't be a best seller!!! This morning at the gym, Mary told me 2 stories about people crapping their pants and I was laughing so hard I almost wet my pants. I had to cross my legs and bend over I was laughing so hard. One of the stories wasn't exactly about a person who crapped in their pants, it was more like a girl was doing a massage at a client's house and after the massage she was gripped with horrible pains and ran to the bathroom only to have the worst diarrhea of her life. Then the toilet over- flowed and started to seep into the hallway! She was forced to grab the lady's towels and start sopping up the mess, all the while she was wearing little crocheted shoes that were totally saturated in crap and crap water. Of course the girl to whom this tragedy befell did not find it funny. I thought it was one of the best stories i had heard in a long time, that is until Mary told me story # 2 (pardon the pun).

The second story was about her ex-boyfriend and the unexpected events that unfolded in his pants while traveling home after a job interview. The story was so memorable that he told everyone he knew about it. Apparently her boyfriend had a job interview at some fancy place in Boston so he was dressed up in dapper men's wear. I am assuming he had on dress pants, a belt and fancy shoes with nice socks that matched, along with a shirt he tucked in. As he was headed back to his apartment, according to Mary's version of the story, he felt horrible pain and his "sphincter contracted". As he raced to the first door and fumbled with his keys, it was uncertain if he would make it up the stairs and to the toilet in time. He made it through the first door, but unfortunately by the time he hit the stairs it was to late. He lost control of his bowels and it was running down his legs and settling in his shoes. He pushed on determined to make it to his apartment but as he ran, crap was squirting out of his shoes. He told Mary he was so grossed out he was gaging as he literally ripped the clothes off his body and jumped in the shower. I'm sorry, but that would only happen to a guy. I bet he had little twinges of pain alerting him to the situation on hand way before he felt the contractions in his sphincter. It doesn't even matter because the story is so funny. I'm glad he procrastinated on going to the bathroom.

I don't want to give away too much of the book, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
If you have a great story about crapping your pants or of someone you know crapping their pants, please let me know.

Part 1 of a disturbing story

2007-08-21T13:43:00.000-04:00

Everyone is always saying how there is no instruction book for life or raising kids or meeting my dad, although I can't help out with the first two, I do have quite a bit of experience with the later. If unprepared, interfacing with my father could be the most traumatic experience of your life. I'm serious. It's no joke. I think to avoid feeling like my life has been in vain I should at least write a manual that could be helpful to others, to help unsuspecting fools avoid some of the pitfalls and land mines. Many of the rules of conventional society do not apply here, and some very odd rules are to be strictly adhered to at times. It's not your fault that you don't know them. It has taken me 31 years to figure them out and I still mess up sometimes. Gandhi wrote a book called My Experiments with Truth. My book is called My Experiments with My Father.

At the moment, my father is living in barn. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that his house is not yet built and he found himself without a place to live, so instead of coming to stay with me and Teddydigital in our house with plenty of room, he moved into the barn. I offered my parents my spare room but they declined, saying they didn't want to intrude and so my mother is staying with a friend because she doesn't want to live in a barn. I felt really bad thinking about my dad having to live in a barn, especially because he refuses to leave it unattended. He thinks there are bands of roving crystal meth addicts just waiting for the chance to steal his stuff. When I went over to see his new living arrangements he gave me the grand tour. he has a twin bed in the middle of the floor and a picnic table that had his computer on it and tons of other crap that was unidentifiable. He has coolers that are filled with beverages and food. He is being kept company by 3 dogs. The whole situation is so bizarre, but that's his style and I think he rather enjoys having something to guard and the possibility of getting to use his gun. I asked him if he closed the barn doors at night and his reply was "Yes, and I set a booby trap so if an intruder tries to enter, by the time the doors are opened, my guns will be blazin'." What do you even say to that except "sounds great!"

When I told my dad I was going to write a story about him he told me I was not to ever mention anyone in our family by name and no one was ever to be traced back to this blog! You would think I was writing about the Kennedy's. My father also gave me a fake name I could call him, but that's just too silly, even for me. He also said that if I wrote about him on this blog that I would find myself in the sequel to the classic Bruce Lee film Fists of Fury. He also said that anyone who woke him up before his natural alarm clock would find themselves in that movie as well.

Well, maybe people who don't want me to write about them will find themselves in the classic movie Blog of Fury. It was a total box office hit! *A laugh riot sensation* says the New York Times.

To be cont......

News Flash..........

2007-08-17T15:57:00.000-04:00

Here is a news flash, please pay attention: Counting carbs is so passe. It's sooo 1999. So please when you see me out doing a demo do not ask me how many carbs are in a Crispy Cat. I ain't gonna tell ya. If you're still under the meat industry's spell of "Carbs are bad and protein is good" then you have to lift up the wrapper and check for yourself.

I'm not trying to be a hater but I was bombarded by that question today when I was out doing a demo and quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. It is just so dumb!! I am perplexed when people are genuinely concerned with carbs. It is such a scam, a total racket! That's why I said the other day that I feel bad for people in this country. It's like everyone is so trusting of the government, of course the meat industry is going to say if you eat more meat you will lose weight and then everyone is like yeah , lets stop eating fruit cause fruit has carbs and carbs make you fat! We hate fruit, fruit sucks! Let's eat a hot dog without the bun instead! For dessert we can have some yummy pork rinds!

Ummm.......News flash #2: If you think fruit makes you fat than you have a lot of other issues you should be looking at other than losing weight. One time a guy told me he was on a no carb diet and that he had not eaten any fruit for 6 years! He was so proud of that, he said it and then pat his rather round and rather hard looking belly. I bet his colon was like tubes of cement.

Small talk blows.

2007-08-14T15:37:00.000-04:00

Small talk is the worst. I hate having small talk with people. It is really, really stupid. Not just stupid but boring and often times embarrassing. Everyone just shifts uncomfortably back and forth while they endure the nightmare.

Family functions are an occasion ripe with opportunities for hideous small talk. Especially when it's not your family, such as the wedding I attended last month with Teddydigital. It was his cousin's wedding and it was filled to the brim with people I didn't know and didn't invite to my wedding. Not to mention that at the actual wedding it was like a scene from a movie with stereotypical drunk Irish people abound: laughing, yelling, drinking and dancing with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. They all claimed they wanted to meet me, but really I think they wanted to get a look at the bitch who didn't invite them to her wedding.

At the time of our wedding, Teddydigital and I should have had a press conference and let everyone know that we were having a small wedding with 25 people and not to take it personally, but we aren't going into debt and getting all stressed out so everyone can come stuff themselves and get drunk on our dime. Sorry but Digital has a HUGE family and if we invite one cousin we have to invite all 600 of them. Honestly, I didn't feel like spending my whole wedding day milling around having horrible small talk with everyone, I could just as easily do that at someone else's wedding and that is what I did.

Everyone asks the same boring questions, what do you do for work?.......how do you like living in Asheville?.....when are you gonna have kids? Oh Lord just take me now!

Since there was no vegetarian option offered, Teddydigital asked if they could make one (what a guy) as they served the limp veggies swimming in grease our table mates took notice. Amid steaks and obesity I was peppered with questions....you don't eat meat?......but you eat chicken right?.....but you have to eat meat if you ever want to get pregnant!...chicken is not meat!....Where do you get your protein from?....You need protein OH MY GOD YOU NEED PROTEIN!

I actually feel bad for the people in this country.

I knew I was the most active and most fit of everyone at that table, yet I was the one who was having their diet scrutinized. I no longer have the protein debate with people, it's pointless and predictable. I just kindly let them know that my Doctor fully supports my vegetarian diet and thinks it is healthier for growing a baby than a meat based diet. I also like when people tell me I'll have to give up running when I'm pregnant. Yeah, just start eating burgers and laying around on my couch all day catching gestational diabetes, that's the game plan. I just find it curious that people can be 50lbs overweight and waiting in line for a heart attack or stroke and have the balls to give a healthy and fit person shit because they don't want to eat cows. It would make better sense for that person to look at the non-cow eating person and ask about their lifestyle and diet, in hopes of saving their life which is obviously hanging in peril. Oh well.

Back to the topic of small talk. I have outlined some more interesting options to the usual boring questions. After all, I'm all about solutions.

Boring question: What do you do for work?
Interesting question: Would you date a transsexual if they were really hot?

Boring question: So, how do you like living in _______(fill in with the place you re-located to)
Interesting question: Have you ever had an STD?

Boring question: Wow, this is some weather were having, huh?!
Interesting question: Do you get a rash on your ass when you sweat to much? Cause you look like you would.

Boring question: Where do you get your protein from if you don't eat meat?
Boring answer: Soy and nuts to name a few.
Interesting answer answer: Semen, of course

Pages from my ill diary.

2007-08-13T13:19:00.000-04:00

Dearest Diary,

I am ever so ill today. Why? Well its just one of those days, you know the sort of day I'm talking about. For example you might be on the road traveling and you come back to your office and you find someone has stolen your lamp and then you might get accused of changing the HTML on the company myspace and you don't even know what HTML is. Then someone in the warehouse may have spilled coffee all over your shipping forms and now you have to re-do them and then you get a major 'tude from the warehouse when you give them shit about it. Oh, and then your manager might think that throwing almonds at you while you work is funny even when it's obviously not. And the best is when you find a mug that boasts "Big time lover" on it and it's filled with a rotten smoothie and just haphazardly left on your desk. Rude. Rude and nasty. Nasty and vile. Vile and repugnant. Oh yes and don't forget smelly. Yes it smelled like a compost heap that was composting in hell. Roasting on the flames of stench.

That's all I wish to say on that topic.

I had many adventures on my travels this week including an almost encounter with David Sedaris. I was in Raleigh doing a demo, while I was chopping samples I saw a small, tidy man thru my bangs and I thought it was him. I got really excited because he is my literary role model. You can imagine my disappointment when I pushed the hair out of my face and discovered it wasn't David Sedaris after all, just some random small, tidy gay man, not the small tidy gay man I was hoping for. Oh well.

I also saw some weird polygamists in the hotel. They were stone cold munchin' the free continental breakfast. I couldn't stop staring. It was so Big Love. I have been meaning to write an essay titled"Polygamy gets the job done" but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Perhaps if I had sister wives I would have more time for my writing.

I guess if I had to have a sister wife I would pick my friend Jessica. She sort of already looks like a Mormon and I think she is pretty good with household responsibilities. I have full confidence that she has what it takes to live the principal. I would of course be first wife so I would ultimately call all the shots but she would be a great wing-man.

The only problem I have is the whole sharing a husband thing. I have never excelled at sharing or communal living for that matter. If I can't share an apartment with someone can I really share a husband? No matter how much I like someone I'm not going to let them sleep with Teddydigital. I also have not checked with TeddyDigital to see if he is even interested in becoming polygamists. I think really what I'm in the market for is not a sister wife but more of a maid/personal assistant. That would definitely give me more time to write and I wouldn't have to let some other woman sleep with my husband.

That's all I have to say on that topic as well.

Pages from my diary (zombie attacks)

2007-08-08T14:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Last night I was viciously attacked by zombies. Oh the horror, for reals. I didn't know that the stalking patterns of zombies were so intense, but they are! I should probably think of doing a zombie survival guide so others can read it and be prepared in case of an attack. Wow, I am such a nice person. My compassion and concern for others is overwhelming sometimes. I mean, there I was just putting on my PJ's and getting ready to watch my 2nd favorite show and eat some rainbow sherbet, when I fell prey to their fangs and claws. Trust me when I say fighting zombies is no picnic. No sir, it is not easy. The worst part is, you never know who is going to become a zombie, either!! And once a person has been infected you just have to forget you ever knew them because there is no recovery from zombie-itis once they bite you. Fortunately, I was not bitten by the zombies but I was re-attacked this morning by different zombies from the same zombie crew! I managed to survive and am no worse for the wear.

I read somewhere that zombies can sense when a woman is ovulating and that is when they are most prone to become violent. I think zombies hate the idea of babies because babies are so cute and happy and babies are notorious for getting a lot of attention and we all know that zombies LOVE attention and they don't like to share. Perhaps there is a new career for me on the horizon; Annie the Zombie Slayer!! Yes, I think that has a nice ring to it.

Slaying zombies, writing hilarious and informative blogs and spreading the word about the joys of eating yummy, vegan Crispy Cat candy bars may sound like a lot but it's all in a day's work for this gal.

In other news, my agent Carlos has promised to get me a MAC, but it hasn't happened yet. It is awful hard to write my book without it. Boo hoo. How can I be expected to be creative on a PC!?! Perhaps I can work slaying zombies on commission and save up for a MAC.

OK diary, I have to go now.

Don't be a player hater.

2007-08-07T14:33:00.000-04:00

This is war.

Just when you think it's safe........

Bottom line: I was tomato bombed! Yes, the master of tomato bombing had the tables turned on her and was bombed. The twist is that it's not who you think.

So there I was sitting and having a chat with Julie Schantz when I noticed a package on my desk. It was a small brown box with a label addressed to me, just sitting there looking so innocent and so full of the promise of gifts and treats awaiting me inside. Yet it was also a tad suspicious considering that there was no postage on it. hmmm....an inner office present??? I think an inner office grudge gift is more like it.

I asked Joel's daughter Molly if she saw any one near my desk. It seemed so odd that I was sitting at the conference table so nearby and didn't see the interloper. Molly said the only one she saw near my desk was The Fig. I wasn't surprised. So with caution and trepidation I opened the box. There were a zillion little peanut things, (so unfriendly towards our environment) and my hand keep roving through, searching for a treat until my finger had intercourse with something rather unfortunate...a nasty, moldy, stinky, floppy, rotten tomato.
OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!

Oh yes he did. I shrieked at the sight and smell of moldy 'maters all over my fingers.
So I scooped it up and headed to the warehouse to do a little confronting. I saw my shot; I could have nailed his ass right there in the face with that mater', but I just couldn't do it. He was just moseying around, pretending not to know anything about the moldy 'mater and I just knew he would be a punk about it if I slammed a 'mater in his hair. He would get mad and then it really would be war. I then turned and looked at Eric. I could definitely feel OK throwing it on him, but he was already one step ahead of me and warned me not to do it because he was "wearing a baby blue shirt." That's what he said!!!! A baby blue shirt!!!!! On principal alone I should have then thrown it on him.

In the end I went outside and hurled it on the dumpster and watched it explode. It was a little anti-climactic to say the least. I do find it interesting however, that The Fig would waste food, considering I was harshly chided for basically taking food out of some gutter punk squatter kid's mouth with all my waste the week before.
I guess that's why they say *all is fair in love and war*.

Notes on a demo scandal.

2007-08-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

While I was gone doing demos for Tree Huggin' Treats I kept a diary to document my travels. If you think the life of Demo Girl is without danger and excitement, think again. The life of Demo Girl is always intense. (Wait, that's Repo Man. Never mind).

Dear Diary,

My travels today were fraught with peril. First, I got lost going to Greenville and then I almost starved to death. Luckily, when I pulled over at a rest stop to panic I didn't have to forage for food in the vending machines or garbage cans. Instead, I busted open a box of the Crispy Cats and ate a mint coconut while composing myself on the curb.

After I placed several phone calls to several unhelpful people, I was on the road again and headed in the right direction...or so I thought.

Lost again after getting totally absorbed by the Sirius radio banter of the Martha Stewart channel, I pulled over to a gas station. It was really scary and I was sure I was going to get raped by the clerk. It was like a bad movie. I couldn't have made up a more stereotypical redneck. He was wearing a cut-off flannel shirt, and he had jail house looking tattoos and he was dipping. Dipping....need I say more? But I knew time was of the essence and so I sucked it up and asked if I was anywhere near I-85. After the clerk had a good chuckle about how lost I was he told me how to get to the highway. I really didn't want to use the bathroom there, but I was ready to pee my pants so I asked him if he had a restroom I could use. He pointed toward a dark hallway and told me it was at the end of the hall to the left. I swear I heard him laughing like Vincent Price as I walked towards my demise. Everything in my heart told me to get the hell out of there and just pee in my pants. Even though I felt like I was in the movie Hostel, I didn't have the heart to run screaming out of there. What if he was really a nice person and it hurt his feelings that I was afraid to use his bathroom? Was I really so superficial and stuck up that I was too good to pee in this man's gas station? The answer is yes, but it was too late at this point to turn back, so I just edged along until I made it to the bathroom. The cleanliness of the toilet was a nightmare so I used all my best yoga skills to hover over the Bowl of Doom, but my foot slipped on some slime and my ass ended up touching the seat!! It was not till I stood up that I realized that there was something gross and sticky on my ass cheek. I was totally distraught and decided that I really didn't want that part of my ass anymore and at the first possible opportunity I was going to cut it off. I truly felt at that point that merely washing it off would not suffice. No. This was too intense; the ass cheek would have to go. In the end I didn't cut it off, but I am seeking counseling for PTSD.
That's all I have for now, diary, but I will write more later after I have recouperated. I'm so happy I didn't get raped on this demo excursion. But I have been lifting weights at the gym in preparation for my upcoming arm wrestling contest, so it would be interesting to see if I could kick the ass of a grown man.
I think all the super sets I have been doing and all the Crispy Cats I have been eating to recover are about to pay off big time!

Just say no to the cat hat.

2007-07-31T15:49:00.000-04:00

I am ashamed to say that I recently did something very mean to my cat Mr. Big and my dog Inky.

I know, you're wondering how an animal lover like me could commit an act of animal cruelty to her precious and beloved pets. I am the person who made phone calls to the NFL demanding they sack Michael Vick and called Nike and said I would throw away all my Nike stuff if they didn't boot him . So what would make a person like me do something heinous to an animal?

*Don't freak out I didn't actually abuse my animals*

Here's how good things turn into bad things. I was shopping at a large department store with my good friend April. We were just picking up crap we didn't need and wasting our youth. I wanted to get one of those self watering things for my cats, the kind that has a big bottle on top and water just flows out as needed. Recently I have taken on the duty of caring for a 17 year old cat. Bob is a neighborhood cat that decided he liked the way Teddydigital and I kick it so he moved in. Actually, he was first living with the people who lived in our house before us and when they moved they gave Bob to the neighbor man. Then the neighbor man's girlfriend moved in with her two cats and those cats decided they didn't like Bob so they beat him up until Bob said *eff it* and split. The neighbor lady and the neighbor man both felt bad but since there was nothing they could do about the fact that Bob would not live there, they had to accept it. Personally I love Bob. He has a crazy story and he looks like the crypt keeper. When he was a kitten, a dog attacked him and bit off his tail and most of his ears, hence the name Bob. He's also deaf and a little on the scrawny side and his hair is falling out. But he loves Teddydigital and he loves me and our three dogs and our cat Mr.Big, so I say *the more the crazier*! Anyway, the point is, this neighbor lady said the vet said Bob needs more water and since Bob is a picky- pants, I wanted to make sure he had a clean source to sip from.

As I was picking out the new water system I see the most wonderful and evil thing ever. This is where the animal abuse comes into play; it was something called "The cat hat". It was a little hat meant for your cat. It has an elephant on it and it straps under the chin. So cute, so funny and so cruel. Cats are prideful creatures and an elephant hat that straps under the chin is the last thing they would ever don. But the cat in the picture looked so happy to be wearing it, I decided that Mr.Big would be embarrassed to wear it but Petunia probably wouldn't care. After all she is just a little butterball of cuteness and loves to wear clothes. Not really, but she looks super cute in them.

My intentions were the best, but then when I got home I realized that Petunia's head was too fat for the cat hat. So I looked to Inky. It was risky because Inky is not messing around and has no problem giving me a nip. He's old and grumpy but his head is so tiny and perfect for the cat hat. I was right too. It looked so cute and funny and I laughed and laughed. Inky didn't hate it but I wouldn't say he loved it . He tolerated it and then after I stopped hugging him and laughing he shook it off. I should have stopped there. I should have been happy with seeing it on the dog, but I wasn't. I was like a cat hat junkie. I needed to see it on more animals. I looked for Mr. Big but he was no where to be found. I saw Bob but he's too old for the cat hat and I just couldn't bear to do it to him. I waited until Mr. Big came home for his supper and after he ate and came over to me for some pets, I stuck the cat hat on him. Oh how precious it looked indeed! I carried a pissed off Mr. Big to Teddydigital to show him the cat hat. Mr. Big was laying sort of limp in my arms. That's normal for him. He's really long and lean and I had never known that to be a pre-attack stance before. Teddydigital thought the cat hat was evil and embarrassing and made me take it off Bigs, and as soon as I did, Bigs gave me a bite on the hand. I must have deserved it because he never bites and has a great temperament. But he didn't stop with just a bite. He jumped on a chair and started swiping at Inky who was standing by and then looked at me and tried to swipe me as well. He was enraged at being made to wear that cat hat! I kept trying to say sorry by petting him but he wasn't in the mood to accept my apology. I felt really bad. How could I humiliate my cat like that? He's so good and loving and I betrayed him by making him wear a cat hat. Damn that cat hat!

Let this be a warning: Don't buy the cat hat no matter how cute you think your cat might look in it. Your cat will hate it and you will feel like the worst person ever for making them wear it.

The tomato bombing.

2007-07-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

I need to tell the world what happened in our office today at Tree Huggin' Treats!!!
It was so funny, I'm still laughing. I think I'm going to wet myself. I can't stop laughing.

Ok, I'm composing myself.
So, Leila brought in tomatoes from her backyard last week. Some of the tomatoes were a little soft and then they sat here all weekend. So, come Monday morning, they were just begging to be chucked at someone.

Eric decided to chuck a few of the cherry tomatoes at me early on in the day. So I, in turn, chucked a few back. In the end I had cherry tomatoes all over the back of my shirt and on the walls of my office. Fine.

Later on.....

At lunch time, Eric announced that today was the day he was going to be able to hit the pole out back with one of the tomatoes. For months he has been trying to hit the pole out back with various pieces of rotten fruit. He never makes the shot but he never gives up either. It's a hard shot because it's off the loading dock and the pole is on an angle. But mostly he just has bad aim.
So we go out to the loading dock. Eric had four rotten tomatoes and I'm armed with one extra squishy tomato. While Eric warms up his arm, I warm up mine. While he figures out where to throw, I do likewise. Eric takes a deep breath and lets the first tomato go. He misses. He actually missed the first three and then on the fourth makes contact and the rotten tomato explodes on the pole. We cheer and jump up and down. Now it's my turn, as Eric is jumping up and down, arms raised in a victory dance, I take my shot. Timing is everything and I know once I throw it I have to run. I meant to hit him in the back, but I missed and ended up hitting him in the back of his head! It was glorious!! When the tomato hit, it splatted and stuck to his head before it fell off. His hair was encrusted with seeds and pulp. I swear I saw little stars going around his head and heard birds chirping. He lurched forward and paused as if in denial about the tomato bombing he had just been the victim of. I knew I didn't have much time. I would have to save laughing for later, so I booked out of there.

I fled the scene and ran into the warehouse. I thought he would have the remains of the tomatoes, so I ran to The Fig's desk and ducked behind his chair. The Fig was like " I don't know what you're doing but get away from my desk!" (such a grump).

To my surprise, Eric was not brandishing the remains of the tomato. So I just started laughing and laughing and laughing. And I have been laughing ever since and that was about an hour ago. It was hands down the funniest thing that has ever happened in this office!! I wish I had it on film so I could share it with everyone.

If a person was depressed and on top of a building ready to jump, all you would have to do was show them a video of me beaming Eric in the head with a tomato and they would come down from the ledge. I'm considering going around to mental hospitals and telling depressed people this story. I think I may have just found the cure for depression. All over the world people in hospitals suffering from depression will be given rotten tomatoes to chuck at someone's head. The results will be amazing. This is what they must mean by the food-mood connection.

I know Eric is planning his revenge and I'm sure I will hate whatever it is, but for now I don't even care. I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing. I recommend that everyone throw a rotten tomato at their manager. If you don't have a manager just come over to our office and you can throw one at Eric.

Punctuation maffioso

2007-07-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

For some reason I thought I already posted something today, but it turns out, I'm just having an early onset of Alzheimer's Disease.

I have a new editor, Julie Schantz. My old editor was Eric, but we had too many creative struggles. For example, he thought things should be spelled correctly and I did not. I'm creative with my punctuation and when it comes to pronouns and prepositions, I think outside the box. Of course this is just a cover for my terrible spelling and bad grammar.

Now Julie edits the posts from home and she is doing a fine job. I can never see the spelling errors or punctuation debacles but I've been told they're gone. She's like a spelling hit man. Maybe even a punctuation mob boss, that is, if grammar is capable of organized crime. I would like to put a hit out on grammar!! Send Tony Saprano over to Spelling's house and have him inform Spelling that now I decided how things are spelled. I guess thats probably not going to happen, so its good that Julie is checking the posts.

Julie is really sick today so all my little spelling snafus and grammar mishaps get to live one more day.

If beating up my father-in-law is wrong then I don't want to be right.

2007-07-26T12:20:00.000-04:00

I think my father-in-law (FIL) wants me to kick his ass. No, I really do think that. You might be wondering why a 65 year old man would want his ass kicked by a spry little elf like me. No, my FIL isn't some weird kinky dude. Get your mind out of the gutter! But he is a man that loves to make jokes. Oh yes he is a jokester to the max. My precious FIL loves to push the proverbial envelope. He is a master of the joke that is borderline inappropriate and that most folks would steer clear of. This is something that we have in common. I also enjoy making jokes that are in poor taste and usually result in someone being mad at me. I should do a *how to* piece on inappropriate jokes. Actually, I think my FIL should do it because he apparently wrote the book on that topic. One of his techniques is remembering events that were traumatic or embarrassing and then reliving them with great verve in front of an audience. I watched him do it and I must say he does have a flair for storytelling. Part of his method is that he laughs hysterically while telling the story and that automatically makes others laugh.

Sometimes he has a one line bomb and in that situation he has a totally different technique.
Instead of being in fits of laughter, practically flopped over to one side, he waits like a lion in the tall grass. I have seen him do this many times so I know it's a specific pattern. Oh he thinks I'm not onto his game but I am! Oh yes I most certainly am Tim Senior!!!

First he waits for the right moment, usually what would be considered bad timing to most.
Then he straightens up and looks at you and with just a hint of a smile he pulls the pin on his joke grenade. Then as you try to run for cover he makes a week attempt to stifle his laughter as he asks "whats wrong?" All the while a guffaw is ready to burst from his lips.

Anyway, I won't repeat his little zinger. Let's just say that it stoked a violent fire in me, hence the pummeling he is about to receive. I give him props for going there, but I think he was feeling brave because he was on the phone with Teddydigital and he didn't have to say it directly to me. The best part is that when I demanded the phone, FIL terminated the call saying he needed to go because he was buying corn.

I will wait. I will be uncharacteristically patient and then I will strike!! Like a cobra, I will strike. I will pounce on him like a weasel pounces on a cobra. Then we will see who is truly the master of the inappropriate joke. With any luck I can convince him to spend Thanksgiving with us and then it will be a fertile battleground for jokes. Speaking of fertile battlegrounds, I've noticed that those with a baby don't have to travel during the holidays. Family members are compelled to travel to wherever the baby is, lest they look like uncaring baby haters. I think I need to speak to Teddydigital about this because the commute to Philly is a bitch.

If you are considering having a baby to avoid holiday travel or you had a baby for that reason, call us! You could be a guest on our show.

Tips on being trendy and cool.

2007-07-24T14:32:00.000-04:00

I was recently informed that all the popular blogs right now are the ones that do tips and lists.
Now, I have done some *how to* pieces, but the cool thing to blog about is "being green" or "simplifying". I guess that's what all the cool kids are doing, so if I want to sit with them at lunch, I better do one too.

I think the first of my new and improved cool and trendy pieces will be tips on simplifying your life.

There are many ways that your life can be cluttered. Clutter can be possessions or committments or even people. The following are tips on how to make more room in your life for the things that really matter. This guide will help you weed out all the unnecessary and cumbersome people, places and things in your life. Enjoy!

Tip#1 First decide what your priorities are and how you would really like to be spending your time and with whom. Figure out where you really want your money to go; how you really want to spend it.

Tip#2 If your goal is to spend more time with loved ones then you should quit your job and insist that those you love quit theirs as well. If you want more time with your kids yank them out of school. If you want more time with your spouse and less time with your kids, send your kids to boarding school.

Tip#3 Eat locally by showing up to friends' houses around dinner time. This is a great way to save money on groceries and also incorporate spending time with loved ones.

Tip#4 Stop paying all bills. This should not be hard after you quit your job. Don't panic and use your savings on your mortgage or other bills. That money is for you, not the man. Remember, this is all about priorities. The mortgage company has tons of other unenlightened saps sending in there payment every month. They don't need yours. Not to mention it takes months to foreclose on a house and even longer to evict someone. As far as utilities go, you have at least 2 months before they shut off your power.

Tip#5 Cars are a huge burden both financially and environmentally. Not to mention the emotional energy that people invest in them. It might be hard to part with your car, so drive it to a part of town that is notorious for being infested with crack heads and leave the car running and doors unlocked while you run an errand. It's a win-win situation. You no longer have to deal with a car and you've helped the needy. You're already becoming a better person.

Tip#6 Get rid of your cell phone. Use pay phones and only make collect calls. If this upsets people just explain to them that you're trying to simplify your life. If they can't get on board and support you then that is a clear indicator that you don't need them cluttering up your life anyway.

Tip#7 Instead of buying clothes or new things ask friends if you can "borrow" something and then just neglect to return it. When they ask for it back tell them that the rule is if you don't use something for 1 year then you should give it away. This is logic that can't be argued.

Tip#8 Start shopping from lost and found boxes. It's best to go where people with style frequent.
Just walk in and say you think you may have left your (fill in item you wish to procure) and ask to be directed to the lost and found. Don't be too specific. For example, don't say you lost your diamond tennis bracelet that your 3rd husband gave you on a trip to Bermuda. Then you won't be able to snag other stuff if there isn't a diamond tennis bracelet in the lost and found.
Be very vague. For example, you could say you may have left your hoodie or your sunglasses or your diabetes testing supplies.

Good luck, I know you can do it!!!

I love you!

2007-07-23T16:01:00.000-04:00

Is there anyone out there who wants to buy me a laptop?
Seriously, I need one. I would prefer a Mac Book but I would graciously accept any offering. I think the only reason I want a Mac so bad is because they look so snappy and because Carrie Bradshaw had one on Sex in the City. Maybe if I had a Mac Book, I would become a famous writer and have a cute, rent controlled apartment on the upper west side and spend my days shopping and waxing poetic about boys and shoes. Maybe not. Would the dog poop magically disappear from my backyard if I had a Mac Book? I think so.

All during August I am going to be traveling a ton and so I might not be able to post for all my devoted fans. I just think if you love my blog, and I know you do because I get loads of fan mail, you would want to get me a lap top. Well, just think about it. Mull it over. Perhaps sleep on it or ask a trusted friend what they think.

Studies show that doing something nice for others releases seratonin in the brain.
So, if your brain needs a boost or your karma is sucky, just march yourself down to the store and pick up a Mac Book for me. 'Cause you know I would do it for you if you asked. Well, maybe not, but be the bigger person. Be mature and don't be so tight with your money. Thanks in advance.
You're the best.

We wanted to call em' lifesavers but the name was taken.

2007-07-20T15:24:00.000-04:00

Since this is technically the Tree Huggin' Treats' blog I think once in a while it would be appropriate to take a break from my stories and bring you some Crispy Cat info.
So you might be like oh that sucks I was looking forward to wetting my pants again but I think it would be a travesty not to school you in all the ways a Crispy Cat can be utilized in your daily life. I mean really, I know learning is out this season but it must be done.

How to use Crispy Cats to get yourself out of a pickle.

It's pretty basic. If someone is mad at you just hand them a Crispy Cat that you wrote *I'm sorry* on the back of. Works like a charm.

If a cop pulls you over, don't panic. Just hand him a Crispy Cat and wink instead of handing him your license and registration. This works about 2% of the time, so be prepared to hit the gas and book out of there Dukes-of-Hazard style.

If you are rude in Hebrew school or talk during temple, simply give your Rabbi a few Crispy Cats after your Mom stops yelling at you. Crispy Cats are kosher, making them the perfect gift for your favorite Rabbi. If you were really bad then you may have to recite something from the Torah. That's your call.

Let's say you accidentally slip and mention how much you love J-lo's new album in front of someone from P.E.T.A. Don't wait until you're drenched in paint. Just hand them a totally vegan Crispy Cat. Seriously, J-Lo needs to stop with all the fur. If you love her new album, you need paint thrown on you. You've got problems.
Let's say you are going on a date and the person you are going out with has Celiac's Disease. Why not make a bouquet out of Crispy Cats to give her? Flowers are expensive and then they die and rot, but Crispy Cats are totally yummy and won't rot at all! Not to mention they say hey I'm a good listener and I care about your health. Aren't I sensitive?

I hope those pointers are helpful. Try to study and memorize them. I won't be around to help you out so you better hop to it.

Obsession confessions

2007-07-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

Obsessions are a part of everyone's life. Right? OK, obsessions are a part of my life.

It's fun to look back on some of my old obsessions and laugh about how silly they are. For example, several years ago I was at work walking down the hall. I see a fellow colleague and he waves. In an attempt for him to see my reciprocated wave(because I was far away) I shot my hand in the air and keep it there as I walked. Then I had a horrible thought . What if he thought I was doing a Nazi salute and he thought I was a neo-Nazi. The thought plagued me all day and after work I stopped by my mother's house to show her the wave and see what she thought. My mother has years of experience with my neurotic questions and so she is not freaked out by me asking her if my wave looks like a Nazi salute. To some it would be a bizarre question and cause for alarm, but for my mom it's the norm. Just as some women when they were young perhaps turned to their mothers and asked about boys or bras, I asked my mother if she thought I had AIDS. The conversation would go something like this.

"Mom, do you think I have AIDS?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"But how do you know?"
"I guess I don't know. Do you think you've done something to catch it?"
(I have a few moments of internal chaos)
"Well, I had an AIDS test and it said I didn't have it."
"Then you don't have it."
"Yes, but it can hide out in your body for a long time."
"Oh Ann, really, just stop you don't have AIDS"
"If I do, then I guess I will have to just tour around going to high schools doing lectures and stuff maybe right a book about it. I can buy a camper."
"That sounds nice. Looks like you have a good plan."
"So are you saying you think I have AIDS?"

Anyway I reviewed the wave with my mother and asked her what it looked like to her. She thought it looked like I was trying to hail a cab or catch the bus. She definitely didn't think it looked like I was giving a Nazi salute. The conversation went like this.

"OK. what does this look like." (I replicated the wave)
"Um, like your hailing a cab."
"Do you think it looks like a Nazi salute?"
"No."
"Are you sure because I waved like that to someone at work and now I'm worried that he thinks I'm a Nazi."
"Oh Ann, really! I'm sure no one who knows you would think that."
"So are you saying a person who doesn't know me might think that I was giving a Nazi salute if they saw that wave?"
"That's enough."
"OK. Do you think I have AIDS?"

Now that I think about it I think my mother should get some sort of award.

I think I will give her the Crispy Cat award. The world's first organic Award. Not to mention the only award that is vegan, kosher and gluten-free. ( They made me write that)

You're a mean one Mr.Vick

2007-07-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

I have been deeply disturbed over the Michael Vick dog fighting situation. I don't want to spread more sadness but with all the new info coming out about his evil and unspeakable acts I felt a poem was in order. In honor of all the dogs that died at his hands lets all donate either our time or supplies to our local animal shelters.

Michael Vick you are a dick
The people voted
and it's official
we want to send you to Iraq strapped to a missile.

Don't worry we would never do it
the people of Iraq have enough to worry about

If I had to choose between Michael Vick and Charles Manson
who would I choose?

Charles Manson, yes Mr. Manson is more appealing
I would rather have a slumber party with Charles Manson
and the Zodiac killer
and Ted Bundy
than spend 5 minutes with Michael Dick

Dogs give unconditional love
they are devoted friends
they don't desert you in times of need
they are better than people in that respect.

It takes a special person to stay with you during hard times
but to a dog
it's no big deal.
They always stay the course
and you don't have to pay them
or buy them cars
or houses
dogs don't care about bling
everyone knows that

I wonder if Mr. Vick has anyone in his life
who will be standing by his side
when he is no longer a big shot football player?
When the NFL disposes of him like trash
and he can't find work
because it is widely known he is a sociopath.

Maybe then he will see how fickle humans are
and how the heart of a dog is precious and loyal
always steady
always your number 1 fan

The wonderful thing about the universe
is the indisputable fact that no one
not even over paid athletes
can escape karma

I think instead of jail
they should toss Mr. Vick into the Georgia Dome
with 3 or 4 grumpy lions

Perhaps it would be more painful
to make Mr.Vick donate all his money
and cars
and houses
and bling
to a pit bull rescue league
and then make him clean kennels
with supervision at all the animal shelters across the country
what else will he have to do when he gets out of prison?

I'm praying for your vile soul.
Cause your gonna need it
According to the news
Saddam Hussein is more likable than you.

Is Crispy Cat Once-A-Day XR right for you?

2007-07-17T15:42:00.000-04:00

No one wants to talk about it.

It's too sensitive and you don't want to look like the bad guy.

But that nagging feeling won't go away, you know something is wrong.

Now is the time to do something about it.

Selling out and becoming corporate affects millions of Americans everyday. You're not alone, it's not your fault, there is help.

Corporatitis is a medical condition that is treatable but in order to heal you must recognize there is a problem. The following is a list of signs and symptoms of corporateitis

Now with Crispy Cat Once-a -day XR you too can over come corporateitis. and regain control of your life.

Who does corporateitis affect? Everyone.
Where does corporateitis hurt? Everywhere

Signs and Symptoms of Corporateitis

Sudden changes in dress attire.
Loss of interest in having fun or laughing
Wanting to purchase a BMW or get hair plugs
Loss of facial expression and absence of sense of humor.
Watching Fox news
Talking to self in public and then playing it off like it's a bluechip ear piece
Sudden loss of personality due to android or robotic implant.
Talk of "doing lunch" or having imagery people. e.g. "I'll have my people call your people"
Increased or frequent urination or sudden bowel changes. Constipation may arise from having a stick up the butt.
Changes in sleeping habits e.g. sleeping with your secretary
Frequent or reoccurring thoughts of stocks, bonds and shareholders.
Marionette strings on the back of hands and on top of feet.

The following statements are signs of early onset type 2 corporatitis

"Time is money"

"Heads are gonna roll"

"I have a wife and kids?"

" I don't care if they are nuns, lets sue their asses!"

"I would rather live beyond my means and drown in debt then look like a nobody. Everyone knows that having stuff and looking good is what really matters."

Early detection is best but it's never too late.

Contact your local Tree Huggin' Treats representative or health care provider to see if Crispy Cat Once-a-day XR is right for you.