I hope everyone had a nice holiday. I hope that you got to eat and drink and get drunk and have fights with your family. Lets move on that was over a week ago, no one cares anymore.
Life is all about new experiences. Finding the joy in the everyday little things I like to say. I mean isn't that what the holidays are all about. Just treasuring all the beautiful things in life living and breathing every second, every millisecond of your existence as if it were your last? I be live that to be the secret to happiness in this life and I want to share all the beautiful experiences I have with whom ever reads this blog.
On Monday I had to go to the doctor. It was nothing serious. I 'm pregnant so every little thing sends me running to see the doctor. I don't think I was over reacting or anything I mean this is my first time as a pregnant lady so I don't know what the hell to expect! Christ, give me a break!! So anyway I did not get to see my normal doctor. My normal guy is really nice and really Patience and he totally gets that I am neurotic and insane and should be on heavy meds, this guy however did not know me and from what I could tell did not have the time nor the interest to get me. Truly I am insane but as far as crazy people go who have untreated OCD I am not so bad. All my doctors have always loved me. I make up for the lunacy with a good sense of humor and a nice disposition (most of the time) a majority of the people I deal with tend to think I'm pretty entertaining and therefore tolerate the fact that I ask the same questions over and over again. I figure the most basic courtesy I can bestow on the people who have to answerer my questions is an ability to laugh at myself. For example when I was 11 weeks and change pregnant I got sick and had to see my doctor, at that time he listened to the heartbeat of the baby and everything was great. So I said "I can't wait till Sunday cause then I will be 12 weeks pregnant and out of the danger zone." and my doctor said " Actually you are pretty much out of the danger zone right now." so I said " Oh really, so I am out of the danger zone?" and he was like "yes." then he gave me some medical explanation about it and when he was finished I sat for a moment and contemplated what he said and replied " So what you are saying is I am out of the danger zone." he looked at me for a moment and said slowly "yes." I then asked him a slew of questions that were all just cleverly disguised versions of "Am I out of the danger zone." I think he should get to charge my insurance double for visits with me. A few weeks later I had another appointment and after we listened to the heartbeat I looked at my doctor and said "Now I am really out of the danger zone right?" he sighed and said me " Didn't we already have this conversation." I confirmed that yes we did have a conversation similar to this before but no harm in double checking right? He went on to explain to me that nothing is 100% until your baby is born but he was 99% sure that everything was fine and I would have a healthy baby born full term. For most anyone this would have been more than enough assurance that it was OK to stop worrying but unfortunately for me that 1% just really bugged me. Anyway as George Michael so brilliantly said You Gotta Have Faith a faith a faith you gotta have faith faith faith BABY!! So that is the goal people to be more like George and have faith a faith a faith, not the other thing that he dose, you know gay sex at rest stops. As fun as that sounds its not healthy when you're pregnant.
This brings me back to the thing about the other doctor. After I had my exam I mentioned something to the doctor about hemorrhoids. He looked at me and said you know what? Now that you bring it up lets go ahead and do a rectal exam. Oh man why do I always keep talking? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why am I not embarrassed by all the things that other people are mortified about? Just to paint a picture I will describe the scenario in detail so you, the reader will get an accurate and clear idea of how this went down. This other doctor was an older man, a stern no nonsense, African-American man with very large hands. He instructed me to roll on my side and he than took a huge light and shined it on my ass. All the while Teddydigital was sitting right there, he claims he didn't look, that it was to much but I did hear him let out a little laugh as the doctor asked the nurse "Is the lube is this drawer?". He than lubed up and stuck his hand up my ass, making me like a human puppet. It was hideous. The doctor than started giving orders " Bear down like you are going to have a bowel movement!" No I thought NO what kind of sick game is this? My husband is right here in the room and you want me to take a crap on you! Forget it buddy in a few short months I am going to be a mother and you want me to take a crap on you! Sick. What kind of person do you think I am? Go ask your own mother to take a crap in your hand.
Ok I 'm getting carried away. The Doctor was not some creep obsessed with getting pooped on, but he did tell me to bear down like I was going to have a bowel movement. I hope I never hear those words again. When it was all said and done and I had been examined in every part of my body and had someone put their hand up my ass I went home with a "clean"bill of health. I was fine and my baby was fine.
In short if someone ever tells you that they are going to give you a rectal exam just say "Oh Ok......" and then run, run like the wind run like you have never run before. And that is all I have to say about that.
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Why are you going to a doctor for your pregnancy? Pregnancy is not an illness. There are a lot of wonderful midwives in Asheville or you could just stay at home and do it yourself.
I have heard that unassisted birth is all the rage this year.
We live in Nashville TN and my kids want your candy bar but we can not find it around here. They are 10.5, 8.5, 6 & 2.5 and I am knocked up again. We aren't trying to repopulate the world for our god(we actually don't have one) we just found out what causes pregnancy and we are now trying to do something about it.
Lots of vegans don't like ppl to have children but my thoughts are that if vegans have kids and raise them to respect and protect animals then their might be less animal cruelty in the world. Thanks for the blog my kids keep getting me to read them what is so funny and my daughter will send you a story of her pooping her pants a couple years ago, and my 2 year old says he has plenty of stories to tell you!! Oh yeah and I know you enjoy your stench but the ppl around you might like it if you started taking enzametica's v-gest enzymes when you eat soy or wheat. It will make you less odoriferous!
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