Small talk blows.

Small talk is the worst. I hate having small talk with people. It is really, really stupid. Not just stupid but boring and often times embarrassing. Everyone just shifts uncomfortably back and forth while they endure the nightmare.

Family functions are an occasion ripe with opportunities for hideous small talk. Especially when it's not your family, such as the wedding I attended last month with Teddydigital. It was his cousin's wedding and it was filled to the brim with people I didn't know and didn't invite to my wedding. Not to mention that at the actual wedding it was like a scene from a movie with stereotypical drunk Irish people abound: laughing, yelling, drinking and dancing with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. They all claimed they wanted to meet me, but really I think they wanted to get a look at the bitch who didn't invite them to her wedding.

At the time of our wedding, Teddydigital and I should have had a press conference and let everyone know that we were having a small wedding with 25 people and not to take it personally, but we aren't going into debt and getting all stressed out so everyone can come stuff themselves and get drunk on our dime. Sorry but Digital has a HUGE family and if we invite one cousin we have to invite all 600 of them. Honestly, I didn't feel like spending my whole wedding day milling around having horrible small talk with everyone, I could just as easily do that at someone else's wedding and that is what I did.

Everyone asks the same boring questions, what do you do for work?.......how do you like living in Asheville?.....when are you gonna have kids? Oh Lord just take me now!

Since there was no vegetarian option offered, Teddydigital asked if they could make one (what a guy) as they served the limp veggies swimming in grease our table mates took notice. Amid steaks and obesity I was peppered with questions....you don't eat meat?......but you eat chicken right?.....but you have to eat meat if you ever want to get pregnant!...chicken is not meat!....Where do you get your protein from?....You need protein OH MY GOD YOU NEED PROTEIN!

I actually feel bad for the people in this country.

I knew I was the most active and most fit of everyone at that table, yet I was the one who was having their diet scrutinized. I no longer have the protein debate with people, it's pointless and predictable. I just kindly let them know that my Doctor fully supports my vegetarian diet and thinks it is healthier for growing a baby than a meat based diet. I also like when people tell me I'll have to give up running when I'm pregnant. Yeah, just start eating burgers and laying around on my couch all day catching gestational diabetes, that's the game plan. I just find it curious that people can be 50lbs overweight and waiting in line for a heart attack or stroke and have the balls to give a healthy and fit person shit because they don't want to eat cows. It would make better sense for that person to look at the non-cow eating person and ask about their lifestyle and diet, in hopes of saving their life which is obviously hanging in peril. Oh well.

Back to the topic of small talk. I have outlined some more interesting options to the usual boring questions. After all, I'm all about solutions.

Boring question: What do you do for work?
Interesting question: Would you date a transsexual if they were really hot?

Boring question: So, how do you like living in _______(fill in with the place you re-located to)
Interesting question: Have you ever had an STD?

Boring question: Wow, this is some weather were having, huh?!
Interesting question: Do you get a rash on your ass when you sweat to much? Cause you look like you would.

Boring question: Where do you get your protein from if you don't eat meat?
Boring answer: Soy and nuts to name a few.
Interesting answer answer: Semen, of course