Thursday, November 29, 2007

A story to treasure forever...

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. I hope that you got to eat and drink and get drunk and have fights with your family. Lets move on that was over a week ago, no one cares anymore.

Life is all about new experiences. Finding the joy in the everyday little things I like to say. I mean isn't that what the holidays are all about. Just treasuring all the beautiful things in life living and breathing every second, every millisecond of your existence as if it were your last? I be live that to be the secret to happiness in this life and I want to share all the beautiful experiences I have with whom ever reads this blog.

On Monday I had to go to the doctor. It was nothing serious. I 'm pregnant so every little thing sends me running to see the doctor. I don't think I was over reacting or anything I mean this is my first time as a pregnant lady so I don't know what the hell to expect! Christ, give me a break!! So anyway I did not get to see my normal doctor. My normal guy is really nice and really Patience and he totally gets that I am neurotic and insane and should be on heavy meds, this guy however did not know me and from what I could tell did not have the time nor the interest to get me. Truly I am insane but as far as crazy people go who have untreated OCD I am not so bad. All my doctors have always loved me. I make up for the lunacy with a good sense of humor and a nice disposition (most of the time) a majority of the people I deal with tend to think I'm pretty entertaining and therefore tolerate the fact that I ask the same questions over and over again. I figure the most basic courtesy I can bestow on the people who have to answerer my questions is an ability to laugh at myself. For example when I was 11 weeks and change pregnant I got sick and had to see my doctor, at that time he listened to the heartbeat of the baby and everything was great. So I said "I can't wait till Sunday cause then I will be 12 weeks pregnant and out of the danger zone." and my doctor said " Actually you are pretty much out of the danger zone right now." so I said " Oh really, so I am out of the danger zone?" and he was like "yes." then he gave me some medical explanation about it and when he was finished I sat for a moment and contemplated what he said and replied " So what you are saying is I am out of the danger zone." he looked at me for a moment and said slowly "yes." I then asked him a slew of questions that were all just cleverly disguised versions of "Am I out of the danger zone." I think he should get to charge my insurance double for visits with me. A few weeks later I had another appointment and after we listened to the heartbeat I looked at my doctor and said "Now I am really out of the danger zone right?" he sighed and said me " Didn't we already have this conversation." I confirmed that yes we did have a conversation similar to this before but no harm in double checking right? He went on to explain to me that nothing is 100% until your baby is born but he was 99% sure that everything was fine and I would have a healthy baby born full term. For most anyone this would have been more than enough assurance that it was OK to stop worrying but unfortunately for me that 1% just really bugged me. Anyway as George Michael so brilliantly said You Gotta Have Faith a faith a faith you gotta have faith faith faith BABY!! So that is the goal people to be more like George and have faith a faith a faith, not the other thing that he dose, you know gay sex at rest stops. As fun as that sounds its not healthy when you're pregnant.

This brings me back to the thing about the other doctor. After I had my exam I mentioned something to the doctor about hemorrhoids. He looked at me and said you know what? Now that you bring it up lets go ahead and do a rectal exam. Oh man why do I always keep talking? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why am I not embarrassed by all the things that other people are mortified about? Just to paint a picture I will describe the scenario in detail so you, the reader will get an accurate and clear idea of how this went down. This other doctor was an older man, a stern no nonsense, African-American man with very large hands. He instructed me to roll on my side and he than took a huge light and shined it on my ass. All the while Teddydigital was sitting right there, he claims he didn't look, that it was to much but I did hear him let out a little laugh as the doctor asked the nurse "Is the lube is this drawer?". He than lubed up and stuck his hand up my ass, making me like a human puppet. It was hideous. The doctor than started giving orders " Bear down like you are going to have a bowel movement!" No I thought NO what kind of sick game is this? My husband is right here in the room and you want me to take a crap on you! Forget it buddy in a few short months I am going to be a mother and you want me to take a crap on you! Sick. What kind of person do you think I am? Go ask your own mother to take a crap in your hand.

Ok I 'm getting carried away. The Doctor was not some creep obsessed with getting pooped on, but he did tell me to bear down like I was going to have a bowel movement. I hope I never hear those words again. When it was all said and done and I had been examined in every part of my body and had someone put their hand up my ass I went home with a "clean"bill of health. I was fine and my baby was fine.

In short if someone ever tells you that they are going to give you a rectal exam just say "Oh Ok......" and then run, run like the wind run like you have never run before. And that is all I have to say about that.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It is time to stuff our faces again....

Thanksgiving is almost here. Time to get ill at the table. Time to mumble something that you're thankful for as your family watches on eager to hear what you are thank full for and then cram a bunch of food in your face.
I love the excuse to cram a bunch of food in my face, and this year because I am pregnant I plan to really enjoy myself. The reason is not because I feel like being pregnant is an excuse to be disgusting or to let your self go but rather the fact that all my pants now how an elastic waistband and I don't have to feel ashamed by wearing sweatpants to the table or anything. I just wear my normal pants, that now allow for maximum stuffage with out sacrificing fashion. I will probably take the dog for a run before heading over to my Mothers house, this will leave me feeling extra famished and very justified in a full on face stuffin' throw down massacre. Then I will lay down and fall asleep and feel sick and cranky.

Monday, November 19, 2007

All I am saying is give pickles a chance.....

Stu and I just got into a very heated discussion about fried pickles. I have to say I was totally blown away by his intolerance to the pickle. I thought of all people Stu would love fried pickles b/c they are so delicious and because Stu is a master snacker. I was so wrong. I thought I knew Stu but I guess there was still a few things I had to learn.
The conversation got started when I mentioned a grammar error I had made and fried pickles were in the sentence. The sentence was " Those fried pickles were so good I could have ate the whole thing." the error being ate, it should have been eaten. Ok so I am ignorant and have bad grammar, big deal. Anyway Stu told me that he ordered the fried platter at the Westville pub and fried pickles were on it and he was totally unimpressed! I was like about what is this guy talking about I was stunned that he didn't love them.
Whats even more disturbing is that Stu doesn't even think of pickles as a food, he thinks they are a condiment and have no place on a menu as a food item. He thinks pickles should just stay where they are on the side of the plate, like little nothings little nobodies. I found this appalling I mean why not give the pickle a chance. If a mushroom can make it as an appetizer or a potato skin for gods sake why not a pickle. A potato skin is not even food, its just the skin of something Else. Most of the time people peal that part off and throw it way. A pickle is a wonderful and under appreciated snack that deserves its shot at fame.
Stu was adamant about this whole issue and we had to cut it short because he was leaving for the day. We will have to resume the debate tomorrow.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Tips on booking a hotel

Tip#1 When booking a hotel make sure to book one that is not haunted.

Boy I wish I had that tip a few days ago when I booked a hotel for Eric and I in Augusta GA.
We don't have a huge travel budget here at Crispy Cat so we need to get hotels that are modest in price. Usually that is no problem. I have booked many a hotel in the past, all with great results. This time not so much. First off the picture on the computer was a not exactly representative of the actual hotel. Because it looked sort of like crap on the computer but like total ass in real life. As Eric pointed out, it looked like corporate America took a dump all over Augusta.

The hotel itself was on a road that was closed but we were able to get to with a detour. So already it was like a horror movie. We checked in and got our keys and headed up to our rooms. Eric noticed that the elevator looked like they were caging monkeys in it because it looked like the walls had poop thrown all over them. When I got to my room my key would not work. So I went downstairs and got a new one. When I went back up to the room and it opened other people were already staying in the room. At this point I had started laughing hysterically for some reason. And I laughed all the way to the front desk, the front desk agent apologized and told me that they were having some problems with there computer system because they have a ghost and he is upset over the remolding. He said it so nonchalant like it was nothing to have a disgruntled ghost in a hotel. I was in shock. I am so afraid of ghosts and this guy was saying it like you were a total ninny if a pissed off ghost was a big deal to you. I really needed more explanation and more information about this ghost so Jerry went on to tell me that 30 years ago when they were building the hotel a constructing worker fell out of the 5Th floor window and died, now his ghost lives on the 5th floor and ever since they decided to remodel he has not been happy. He apparently goes into the computer system and changes things around. Jerry said that he has seen him on the camera before. I was afraid to ask but I had to know so I asked what he looked like. Tall and thin with long scraggly white hair. Jerry saw the look of sheer terror on my face and told me not to worry that he stays on the 5th floor and he won't bother me. In fact no guests stay on the 5th floor right now. Then he was done with our conversation and took a phone call. I called Eric and told him there was a ghost in the hotel and that I was freaking out. He did not seem overly concerned but I think he was a little afraid too because he said he didn't mind if we switched hotels. I called another hotel but it was booked, it seems they were all booked.
When I went back to the front desk to talk to Jerry about leaving he informed me that all the hotels in Augusta were booked due to a baptist convention. Then he got annoyed and told me that I would not find a hotel in all of Augusta that someone didn't die in so I might as well stay put.
That night I got the worst sleep of my entire night. I thought I found bloody claw marks on the wall and insisted Eric look at them. He thought they were just dirt marks but they looked like someone was trying to claw their way out of the room to me. Clawing until there was just bloody stumps for fingers! I kept the T.V. and the lights on all night. I woke up every hour or so to catch a glimpse of a rerun of The Nanny or Mad about you.
In the morning I got up early and had a lot of time to kill before the demo. I kept myself busy by talking to house keeping about the ghost. They confirmed the story and added there own personal experiences with the ghost. Apparently one housekeeper found him to be a pleasant ghost and very helpful. Turning the radio on for her or plugging in alarm clocks.
I could tell the tale of what happened at the complimentary Continental breakfast but that is another story and too upsetting.
Tomorrow I will re-live the nightmare of the Continental breakfast.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I have risen from the ashes.

You may have noticed that I have not posted in a long time. Well that is because I was sick. Then I died. Then I can back from the dead. Now I am a zombie.



Seriously, I had a respiratory infection and was out of commission most of the week. I was forced to lay on the couch and watch the most hideous T.V. ever. At first it wasn't so bad I got to catch up on all the back episodes of "Shot at love with Telia Tequila" WOW, that is the best-worst show ever. I just was baffled at the fact that these people are serious about "finding love" by participating in competitions like sitting in a chair and spinning around until totally dizzy and then trying to run with a tray of margaritas. All to impress the beautiful and Bi-sexual Tila Tequila. It is the first reality love show to include men and women both competing for the same lady. One day, I watched 4 hours of that show! Just back to back episodes of pure American splendor and fun!!
I am starting to wonder if America is getting dumber or if I am getting smarter.
I think its just that I noticed that T.V. has a lot of stupid shows and that a reality show with smart people would be boring because a person with even just half of their brain would never humiliate themselves on T.V. So thank God for stupid people willing to look like a fool on T.V. otherwise it would have been a long week for me!
A show that I think is funny is the Sarah Silverman program. Teddydigital and I watched the entire first season on DVD . The show is a little like this blog in that it relies heavily on scatological humor. And there is a dog on the show named Doug that looks just like my dog Inky. All a show needs to do to hook me is somehow involve a cute dog. If that's all it takes for me to be sold on a show perhaps I am one of the stupid people
I don't care, I love shows with little cute dogs, especial ones with funny names like Doug!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Team Shocker update!

Eric Usher sales and marketing director and Teddydigital loving husband to yours truly both play on a little flag football team called the Shockers. If you know what a shocker is than I apologize for the vulgar and gross name. If you don't know what a shocker is than I suggest you ask a school nurse or a porn star or something. Anyway I told Andrew, I would report on the game. I don't understand football so its hard to report on the game but here are my general observations.

I noticed that my husband is a very tall man. I don't think of him as all that tall but then I see him standing next to other guys and I see it. he is 6'4 and I am 5'2 and I always feel like we are the same height.

I noticed that Eric spent a lot of time at work doing some little drawings and then photocopying them and he called them "plays" I have no idea how that works.

I noticed that they were calling a member of the other team a "baby seal." Not because he was really cute and cuddly but because he flops around and pretends to get knocked down. Andrew refereed to the baby seal as a " School girl bitch" or something like that.
Just let it be known that I don't approve of the term school girl bitch. I think a more suitable term is candy-ass bitch. Being called a girl should never be an insult. Girls are awesome and we are an under appreciated group, don't even get me started!!

I also noticed that football has a lot of rules that I don't understand and that I don't care to understand. Plus I hate Michael Vick and he plays football.

I can't say that I don't like going because I do. Usually I see a friend or two when I go and I end up spending the whole time talking or running around with someones baby that they brought with them.
Male egos running rampant and going long. That seems to be a theme with football. I don't get it, I guess there are somethings that have to remain mysterious so that life can be interesting.