Sorry for the confusion.

I think there has been a small mix up. A little confusion as to what a public toilet is and is not. Just in case you were wondering if a store front is a public toilet, let me assure you that it is not. Some terribly confused person decided that it was OK to crap all over the front of Hip Replacements in downtown Asheville. They sprayed the store window and walk-way with diarrhea. Then they left it and went about their business as if if were the norm to crap on the window of a store. Morgan is the gal that owns the store and she called me at work and told me what happened. You know, Morgan is a good person, she doesn't deserve to have to scrape poop off her store, so if you are the person that did that I think you owe her an apology. I mean after all it is the holidays and what you did not only lacks class but it also lacks holiday spirit. You are just a gross person. On the upside, it was really funny when Morgan told me about it and even funnier when she did a demonstration of what the person must have done to get crap that high on the window. The downside like I said is that it lacks holiday spirit. The other upside is that it makes a great story. Another downside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it because its in a covered spot. Another upside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it and now its a whole thing, with everyone waiting to see how long it will stay there. Morgan said kip threw water on it but it didn't help. I suppose that is also a downside, Kip had to attempt to clean it up and apparently it didn't work. Gross.
In conclusion, I think the golden rule to follow when it comes to public restrooms is if you don't see an actual toilet bowl than it is not a bathroom and do not proceed with deification. It is also wise to remember that if you are not sure if a location is a bathroom or not notice if you are in a wide open public place. Most of the time if you are in a public place like the middle of downtown than it is not a bathroom, proceed to a place that has indoor plumbing and 4 walls. Thank You

Look at me

Do you not just love how Stu spiffed up this blog? I love the picture he drew of me. To be totally honest I am not that blond right now, but I asked Stu to make me blond because when I am not pregnant I am blond. Anyway...now the blog looks great before it looked like dog doo.
I have been to many Christmas partys this week and I still have one more to go. I went with my BF April to her party on Sunday and then I escorted Teddydigital to his work party on Monday. I stuffed my face at both events and had a great time doing it. Thursday we have a work party at the Laughing Seed ,which is a very delicious vegetarian restaurant here in Asheville. I already know what I am having.
Just so everyone knows I am the battleship champion. Teddydigital and I went and got the game battleship. You remember the one you played as a kid? Well we went and got it and then I whooped his ass in it all night long!!!!!
Stay tuned for updates on battleship ass whoppings!!

Something smells bad in here.

Oh that something is me. I am what smells so bad in this office. Stu thought it was the rug. He said it smelled musty, but then he realized that it was me. I sit at my desk and fart. I can't help it. They smell so bad because I have developed a new salad that I eat every day at lunch.
Here is the recipe for fart salad.

I can of Garbanzo beans
1/2 can black olives
1/2 green pepper
baby carrots
balsamic vinaigrette

I think its the can of beans. Yeah, I think that is what is making me fart so much because I don't fart in the morning but after lunch and all night I do. All this after I eat the can of beans.
These farts are really bad too. I feel bad for Stu because I thought he was not being affected by the farts but then he told me he was just trying to be a gentleman. He said that is what you do when a lady be fowls the air.
This is what I learned from that remark about how a gentleman ignores a Lady's farts...if you work in an office and you want to punish someone, make the fart salad and then bombs away. They will probably be to polite to mention the horrible smells. If not then that's OK too because they are still being invaded by your ass.
This is not to say I am punishing Stu because we all know I think Stu is aces.
Stu said that I have to buy him a candle to put on his work station because he can't stand it any more. I am willing to do that because I think if he was a detainee in Guantanamo Bay and I was farting like that to get him to give up information it would be considered inhumane torture and somehow violating the Geneva convention.

Tuesdays with Murry

This morning I went to the gym with my friend Mary, who I like to call Murry. The gym was disgusting and uneventful. I did some weights and then I did the elliptical machine. It was no biggie except that for afterwards I was really, really hungry and felt really tired. When I went to the locker room I found a granola bar in my gym bag and I ate it. I felt a little better but not much. Then I took a shower and put my clothes on. I met up with Murry in the lobby where I told her I was dying. She said I should ditch work and we should go eat. I agreed but I didn't think that would go over well at the office so I told her I could not. She then offered to make me a smoothie at her house. I took her up on the offer and we proceeded to go to her place. The reason I am mentioning this smoothie is because it was the best smoothie I have ever had. It was so good that I wish I could eat several more right now. The smoothie was bananas,almond butter and soy milk. Then she used a hand blender and mashed it up and it was perfect. This goes to show that simplicity is the way to go. I have had smoothies at Earthfare that had a million different things in it and they don't come close to how yummy that Murry smoothie was.
Like I said before it was the best smoothie I have ever had.
Thanks Murry, you saved my life. I thought I was going to die but your smoothie saved me and my unborn child. I will name my baby after you. I will name my baby Murry.
If anyone wants more info on this lifesaving and delicious smoothie please contact me.

A story to treasure forever...

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. I hope that you got to eat and drink and get drunk and have fights with your family. Lets move on that was over a week ago, no one cares anymore.

Life is all about new experiences. Finding the joy in the everyday little things I like to say. I mean isn't that what the holidays are all about. Just treasuring all the beautiful things in life living and breathing every second, every millisecond of your existence as if it were your last? I be live that to be the secret to happiness in this life and I want to share all the beautiful experiences I have with whom ever reads this blog.

On Monday I had to go to the doctor. It was nothing serious. I 'm pregnant so every little thing sends me running to see the doctor. I don't think I was over reacting or anything I mean this is my first time as a pregnant lady so I don't know what the hell to expect! Christ, give me a break!! So anyway I did not get to see my normal doctor. My normal guy is really nice and really Patience and he totally gets that I am neurotic and insane and should be on heavy meds, this guy however did not know me and from what I could tell did not have the time nor the interest to get me. Truly I am insane but as far as crazy people go who have untreated OCD I am not so bad. All my doctors have always loved me. I make up for the lunacy with a good sense of humor and a nice disposition (most of the time) a majority of the people I deal with tend to think I'm pretty entertaining and therefore tolerate the fact that I ask the same questions over and over again. I figure the most basic courtesy I can bestow on the people who have to answerer my questions is an ability to laugh at myself. For example when I was 11 weeks and change pregnant I got sick and had to see my doctor, at that time he listened to the heartbeat of the baby and everything was great. So I said "I can't wait till Sunday cause then I will be 12 weeks pregnant and out of the danger zone." and my doctor said " Actually you are pretty much out of the danger zone right now." so I said " Oh really, so I am out of the danger zone?" and he was like "yes." then he gave me some medical explanation about it and when he was finished I sat for a moment and contemplated what he said and replied " So what you are saying is I am out of the danger zone." he looked at me for a moment and said slowly "yes." I then asked him a slew of questions that were all just cleverly disguised versions of "Am I out of the danger zone." I think he should get to charge my insurance double for visits with me. A few weeks later I had another appointment and after we listened to the heartbeat I looked at my doctor and said "Now I am really out of the danger zone right?" he sighed and said me " Didn't we already have this conversation." I confirmed that yes we did have a conversation similar to this before but no harm in double checking right? He went on to explain to me that nothing is 100% until your baby is born but he was 99% sure that everything was fine and I would have a healthy baby born full term. For most anyone this would have been more than enough assurance that it was OK to stop worrying but unfortunately for me that 1% just really bugged me. Anyway as George Michael so brilliantly said You Gotta Have Faith a faith a faith you gotta have faith faith faith BABY!! So that is the goal people to be more like George and have faith a faith a faith, not the other thing that he dose, you know gay sex at rest stops. As fun as that sounds its not healthy when you're pregnant.

This brings me back to the thing about the other doctor. After I had my exam I mentioned something to the doctor about hemorrhoids. He looked at me and said you know what? Now that you bring it up lets go ahead and do a rectal exam. Oh man why do I always keep talking? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why am I not embarrassed by all the things that other people are mortified about? Just to paint a picture I will describe the scenario in detail so you, the reader will get an accurate and clear idea of how this went down. This other doctor was an older man, a stern no nonsense, African-American man with very large hands. He instructed me to roll on my side and he than took a huge light and shined it on my ass. All the while Teddydigital was sitting right there, he claims he didn't look, that it was to much but I did hear him let out a little laugh as the doctor asked the nurse "Is the lube is this drawer?". He than lubed up and stuck his hand up my ass, making me like a human puppet. It was hideous. The doctor than started giving orders " Bear down like you are going to have a bowel movement!" No I thought NO what kind of sick game is this? My husband is right here in the room and you want me to take a crap on you! Forget it buddy in a few short months I am going to be a mother and you want me to take a crap on you! Sick. What kind of person do you think I am? Go ask your own mother to take a crap in your hand.

Ok I 'm getting carried away. The Doctor was not some creep obsessed with getting pooped on, but he did tell me to bear down like I was going to have a bowel movement. I hope I never hear those words again. When it was all said and done and I had been examined in every part of my body and had someone put their hand up my ass I went home with a "clean"bill of health. I was fine and my baby was fine.

In short if someone ever tells you that they are going to give you a rectal exam just say "Oh Ok......" and then run, run like the wind run like you have never run before. And that is all I have to say about that.

It is time to stuff our faces again....

Thanksgiving is almost here. Time to get ill at the table. Time to mumble something that you're thankful for as your family watches on eager to hear what you are thank full for and then cram a bunch of food in your face.
I love the excuse to cram a bunch of food in my face, and this year because I am pregnant I plan to really enjoy myself. The reason is not because I feel like being pregnant is an excuse to be disgusting or to let your self go but rather the fact that all my pants now how an elastic waistband and I don't have to feel ashamed by wearing sweatpants to the table or anything. I just wear my normal pants, that now allow for maximum stuffage with out sacrificing fashion. I will probably take the dog for a run before heading over to my Mothers house, this will leave me feeling extra famished and very justified in a full on face stuffin' throw down massacre. Then I will lay down and fall asleep and feel sick and cranky.

All I am saying is give pickles a chance.....

Stu and I just got into a very heated discussion about fried pickles. I have to say I was totally blown away by his intolerance to the pickle. I thought of all people Stu would love fried pickles b/c they are so delicious and because Stu is a master snacker. I was so wrong. I thought I knew Stu but I guess there was still a few things I had to learn.
The conversation got started when I mentioned a grammar error I had made and fried pickles were in the sentence. The sentence was " Those fried pickles were so good I could have ate the whole thing." the error being ate, it should have been eaten. Ok so I am ignorant and have bad grammar, big deal. Anyway Stu told me that he ordered the fried platter at the Westville pub and fried pickles were on it and he was totally unimpressed! I was like about what is this guy talking about I was stunned that he didn't love them.
Whats even more disturbing is that Stu doesn't even think of pickles as a food, he thinks they are a condiment and have no place on a menu as a food item. He thinks pickles should just stay where they are on the side of the plate, like little nothings little nobodies. I found this appalling I mean why not give the pickle a chance. If a mushroom can make it as an appetizer or a potato skin for gods sake why not a pickle. A potato skin is not even food, its just the skin of something Else. Most of the time people peal that part off and throw it way. A pickle is a wonderful and under appreciated snack that deserves its shot at fame.
Stu was adamant about this whole issue and we had to cut it short because he was leaving for the day. We will have to resume the debate tomorrow.

Tips on booking a hotel

Tip#1 When booking a hotel make sure to book one that is not haunted.

Boy I wish I had that tip a few days ago when I booked a hotel for Eric and I in Augusta GA.
We don't have a huge travel budget here at Crispy Cat so we need to get hotels that are modest in price. Usually that is no problem. I have booked many a hotel in the past, all with great results. This time not so much. First off the picture on the computer was a not exactly representative of the actual hotel. Because it looked sort of like crap on the computer but like total ass in real life. As Eric pointed out, it looked like corporate America took a dump all over Augusta.

The hotel itself was on a road that was closed but we were able to get to with a detour. So already it was like a horror movie. We checked in and got our keys and headed up to our rooms. Eric noticed that the elevator looked like they were caging monkeys in it because it looked like the walls had poop thrown all over them. When I got to my room my key would not work. So I went downstairs and got a new one. When I went back up to the room and it opened other people were already staying in the room. At this point I had started laughing hysterically for some reason. And I laughed all the way to the front desk, the front desk agent apologized and told me that they were having some problems with there computer system because they have a ghost and he is upset over the remolding. He said it so nonchalant like it was nothing to have a disgruntled ghost in a hotel. I was in shock. I am so afraid of ghosts and this guy was saying it like you were a total ninny if a pissed off ghost was a big deal to you. I really needed more explanation and more information about this ghost so Jerry went on to tell me that 30 years ago when they were building the hotel a constructing worker fell out of the 5Th floor window and died, now his ghost lives on the 5th floor and ever since they decided to remodel he has not been happy. He apparently goes into the computer system and changes things around. Jerry said that he has seen him on the camera before. I was afraid to ask but I had to know so I asked what he looked like. Tall and thin with long scraggly white hair. Jerry saw the look of sheer terror on my face and told me not to worry that he stays on the 5th floor and he won't bother me. In fact no guests stay on the 5th floor right now. Then he was done with our conversation and took a phone call. I called Eric and told him there was a ghost in the hotel and that I was freaking out. He did not seem overly concerned but I think he was a little afraid too because he said he didn't mind if we switched hotels. I called another hotel but it was booked, it seems they were all booked.
When I went back to the front desk to talk to Jerry about leaving he informed me that all the hotels in Augusta were booked due to a baptist convention. Then he got annoyed and told me that I would not find a hotel in all of Augusta that someone didn't die in so I might as well stay put.
That night I got the worst sleep of my entire night. I thought I found bloody claw marks on the wall and insisted Eric look at them. He thought they were just dirt marks but they looked like someone was trying to claw their way out of the room to me. Clawing until there was just bloody stumps for fingers! I kept the T.V. and the lights on all night. I woke up every hour or so to catch a glimpse of a rerun of The Nanny or Mad about you.
In the morning I got up early and had a lot of time to kill before the demo. I kept myself busy by talking to house keeping about the ghost. They confirmed the story and added there own personal experiences with the ghost. Apparently one housekeeper found him to be a pleasant ghost and very helpful. Turning the radio on for her or plugging in alarm clocks.
I could tell the tale of what happened at the complimentary Continental breakfast but that is another story and too upsetting.
Tomorrow I will re-live the nightmare of the Continental breakfast.

I have risen from the ashes.

You may have noticed that I have not posted in a long time. Well that is because I was sick. Then I died. Then I can back from the dead. Now I am a zombie.



Seriously, I had a respiratory infection and was out of commission most of the week. I was forced to lay on the couch and watch the most hideous T.V. ever. At first it wasn't so bad I got to catch up on all the back episodes of "Shot at love with Telia Tequila" WOW, that is the best-worst show ever. I just was baffled at the fact that these people are serious about "finding love" by participating in competitions like sitting in a chair and spinning around until totally dizzy and then trying to run with a tray of margaritas. All to impress the beautiful and Bi-sexual Tila Tequila. It is the first reality love show to include men and women both competing for the same lady. One day, I watched 4 hours of that show! Just back to back episodes of pure American splendor and fun!!
I am starting to wonder if America is getting dumber or if I am getting smarter.
I think its just that I noticed that T.V. has a lot of stupid shows and that a reality show with smart people would be boring because a person with even just half of their brain would never humiliate themselves on T.V. So thank God for stupid people willing to look like a fool on T.V. otherwise it would have been a long week for me!
A show that I think is funny is the Sarah Silverman program. Teddydigital and I watched the entire first season on DVD . The show is a little like this blog in that it relies heavily on scatological humor. And there is a dog on the show named Doug that looks just like my dog Inky. All a show needs to do to hook me is somehow involve a cute dog. If that's all it takes for me to be sold on a show perhaps I am one of the stupid people
I don't care, I love shows with little cute dogs, especial ones with funny names like Doug!

Team Shocker update!

Eric Usher sales and marketing director and Teddydigital loving husband to yours truly both play on a little flag football team called the Shockers. If you know what a shocker is than I apologize for the vulgar and gross name. If you don't know what a shocker is than I suggest you ask a school nurse or a porn star or something. Anyway I told Andrew, I would report on the game. I don't understand football so its hard to report on the game but here are my general observations.

I noticed that my husband is a very tall man. I don't think of him as all that tall but then I see him standing next to other guys and I see it. he is 6'4 and I am 5'2 and I always feel like we are the same height.

I noticed that Eric spent a lot of time at work doing some little drawings and then photocopying them and he called them "plays" I have no idea how that works.

I noticed that they were calling a member of the other team a "baby seal." Not because he was really cute and cuddly but because he flops around and pretends to get knocked down. Andrew refereed to the baby seal as a " School girl bitch" or something like that.
Just let it be known that I don't approve of the term school girl bitch. I think a more suitable term is candy-ass bitch. Being called a girl should never be an insult. Girls are awesome and we are an under appreciated group, don't even get me started!!

I also noticed that football has a lot of rules that I don't understand and that I don't care to understand. Plus I hate Michael Vick and he plays football.

I can't say that I don't like going because I do. Usually I see a friend or two when I go and I end up spending the whole time talking or running around with someones baby that they brought with them.
Male egos running rampant and going long. That seems to be a theme with football. I don't get it, I guess there are somethings that have to remain mysterious so that life can be interesting.

The people who comment on this blog ROCK!!!

I just want to give a shout out to all the peeps who commented on the blog recently!! To the gal in AZ, don't worry my husband knows I am what keeps this relationship cool and fart story's will never get old to me!! And to the person who commented on the hippie zombie post, we will always continue to give away free candy to nice people like you!


Sunday Ari had a little brunch and invited the whole office. That was very brave of him. There were a lot of people there that I didn't know so it sort of forced me to be on my best behavior. At least my better behavior, if you can even call it that. I enjoyed some delicious fruit and bagels and juice. Everyone at the brunch seemed to be very normal, meaning that everyone was polite and friendly and their clothes were clean and neat. We all had a very nice time. It really sucks that something outrageous or disgusting didn't happen because really there is nothing to write about. I guess in that sort of situation I would usually be the one to make something like that happening, but I held back, I felt a little tired and i didn't have gas:(

Another time that I held back was at my good friend Molly's mom's Seder. Molly's mom Loren invited me every year to enjoy all the Jewish holidays with their family, seeing as I lived far from my family and also because even though I'm not Jewish I like to party with Gods chosen people. At this particular Seder there were some old school relatives that I didn't know and that, I guess Molly wasn't into. They were old and a little stuffy and the conversation at the table was a little boring. Loren by the way is another person that rocks because she always made a vegetarian matzo ball soup for me and it was so good! At one point the conversation was about how these ladies were all in a book club together and they read books by Jewish authors and then got together to eat snacks, drink coffee and discuss. Molly leaned over to me and whispered " Why don't you roll the dice and get this party going. Ask if they are going to read Madonna's sex book, since now her name is Ester and she's a Jew." I considered it for a moment. It was tempting but I decided in the end that if she wanted to ruin her mothers Seder than I would support her but I would not be the one to initiate it. She understood and decided not to ask about Ester's sex book. I think that it was for the best but it would have been awesome.

Company of the year!!! Take that zombies!

Last weekend was L.E.A.F and of course we were there selling bars and sampling out candy. LEAF is this big hippie fest that happens twice a year here in the Asheville area, I would probably not go to it if I wasn't working it. To be honest I find the whole "hippie" scene around here really boring and unoriginal. I might be feeling this way because I am a little over people with all their ideas about how a company should be run approaching me at demos and events. I get harassed by the same type of person at every event. I will give you a quick overview of said person....

1. They smell horrible due to a lack of deodorant and a claim that "excessive hygiene" is not cool.
2. They want to scrutinize the new product and compare and contrast it to the old product. Thus preventing me from engaging with others and subjecting me to boring and repetitive conversations.
3. They want to villinize us for no longer making the candy bar by hand. Because they of course have never made one by hand and have no idea what is involved.
4. They want to tell me how the business should be run and they want to give suggestions that make no sense and are impossible
5. They think money is evil and anyone who wants to earn a decent and honest living is a jerk and a sell out and very unspirtual .

Perhaps I sound a little bitter but image that you are giving someone something for free and all they do is criticize it and look for what is wrong with it. All the while they are eating up more than their fair share of samples. So rude. Really people,rude. I just think that some people would rather see the company go under and have to shut down rather than expand so that even more people can have a delicious candy bar alternative. At a better price I might add. Yes we are no longer making them by hand but that means that people all over the world get to enjoy Crispy Cats! We get to show people how to eat healthy and cruelty-free and still have a candy bar. Its pretty amazing, but some can only stay stuck in their small, narrow minds that don't include change.
That's what this boils down to: CHANGE!!!!!
That is what life is about. If you can't go with change than you might as well go eat a snickers because that is all you are going to be able to buy. Thats right you heard it here first. Don't say we didn't warn you. If you decided to be a hater than you are going to have to eat snickers bars for the rest of your life insteed of yummy Crispy Cats.

Here is the bottom line. We just won company of the year from Vegnews!!! I found this out as I was writing this blog and that is the best news I have had all day! So that is all I am going to tell those hippie zombies the next time they start harassing me about the bars being made in Canada!! By the way, why is everyone hating on Canada?? That is one awesome country! First off I would like to mention that we were unable to find a local place that would uphold our strict vegan and gluten-free, kosher standards so we were forced to find it elsewhere! AND all those people are always saying how effed up this country is and blah blah blah so you would think they would be stoked that we would make our candy in such a peaceful friendly country. Of course they are upset because its cool to only want to buy things that are local, even though we are technically a local company and by the way we are the company of the YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I invite everyone to tell me what you think. I would love to hear what people think about what they just read. If you have a problem with Canada I want to hear about it, and then I want to tell you how douchy you are because Canada rocks!
If you would rather us go out of business but still make the bars by hand let me know and I will train you in how to make them and you can come over and do it till your hands fall off.
I know this all may sound a little angry but I get sick of being attacked by zombie hippies at every event I go to, especially since all I'm trying to do is give people free candy.

I have an exciting life.

Here is an account of what happened this morning on my drive to work.



I am an animal lover. Meaning that I LOVE ANIMALS, a lot and sometimes (all the time) more than people. I guess I 'm not talking about the people in my lives really, but if you give me a choice between a random person at the mall or a, lets say a cockatoo or a pug, I choose the pug and the cockatool. Actually if given the choice to hang out with a pug or a member of my family, I choose the pug. I would also like to mention that I don't have a pug fixation. I do love pugs but I don't have one, I live with a chug. Petunia is a chichwawa pug mix, hence a chug. I also live with Inky an aging 1olb killing machine, he is a terrier mix and with Otto a 5 year old golden retriever that Teddydigital and I rescued last year. Mr.Big is the cat, I can't say that I "have" a cat because we all know cats don't play that. But he lives in our house and eats the food I put out for him and sleeps in the bed provided for him. I love him and he is the nicest cat one could ever hope to meet. Then there is Bob. Bob is 17 years old and he is a cat that just lives in our neighborhood but he loves to sleep over at my house with Bigs so I consider him one of the crew.



As I was driving to work I saw a young golden retriever hanging on the side of the road with some construction workers. I immediately knew who he was. He lives a few streets over from me and he is forever slipping out of his fence. Once he was out and hidding in the bushes and jumping out on cars and I pulled over and put him back in his yard. Another time I was running with Otto and he started running with us. I corralled him back into his yard and about 4/10ths of a mile later turned around to see him running behind me. I ran him home and tried to see if his owners were home but no one was. So this morning I put my hazards on a called him over to my car. He seemed happy to see me, but had no interest in going into my car. When I got out of my car he ran into the street, then stoped and moseyed around sniffing the pavement while cars came shrieking to a halt honking horns at him. he acted like he didn't even notice the commotion he was causing and instead ran back overt to the construction workers and acted like he was with them.
I wasn't sure what to do because he would not get in my car and I was in the middle of the road. I tried to tell myself that he would be ok with the construction workers and I started to drive away. I knew in my heart that I could not just let him be, I had to do something. I pulled my car down the street and figured I would just get out and walk him home, but when I looked I saw him running down the street after a dachshund I knew I had to go after him. Not to mention that I have morning sickness as well so really I just wanted to puke on him.
I ran to the car and raced down the street and pulled in on a side street that wasn't very busy and lured him over. He came running over and seemed to have forgotten that just moments earlier had tried to lure him into my car. When I tried to hoist him up he collapsed himself , like a passive resistance type of thing and just stared up at me blankly while I held him in my arms. This is a golden retriever by the way, a hefty breed to say the least. Now a crowd was starting to gather because it looked like I hit him with my car and was cradling him in my arms when really I was begging him to just let me put him in my car. Finial after a bunch of people offered to pick him up I just said enough and hoisted him up and tossed him in the car. I drove him back to his house and he jumped back in the fence. His people were not home so I just gave him a stern waring and went to work.
My life is really exciting. More exciting than Chuck Norris even.

foux pas are funny

The last night of trade show the company got invited out to have dinner at a hip vegetarian cafe in Baltimore. Some people in high places took a liking to the company and we felt honored to have been included. It had been a long 5 days already and I was pooped, not to mention sick and tired. I can't tell you why I was sick and tired, its a secret, I can tell you in a few weeks. So stop asking already! Anyway, I also had terrible gas. Really bad. I mean so bad that the day before I accidentally let one slip and it smelled so bad that Eric jumped out of our mini-van and walked back to the hotel.



It's really not my fault. I did purposely gas out Ari one night when we were driving back to our hotel though. Ari and I had custody of the mini-van seeing as we were very far from the convention center. Now, I don't mind driving but I'm used to Teddydigital doing all the driving, partly because he's a nice guy and partly because my driving scares him. So when Ari decided to get bombed, I was forced to drive. It made me a little mad because I was tired and n0t in the mood to drive, but I had no choice if I wanted to get back to my hotel so I could hear that dog barking in the projects across the street all night long. So I drove, and all the while Ari slurred "I don't drwink, I donnn dwrink" . I felt the raging furry in my bowels and just knew that it had to come out. So I rolled up the windows and then locked them ,as the worst smell in the world hit us both. Ari screamed and wailed but to no avail I would not roll down the window. Then I did it twice more. It sounds really harsh but it was well deserved.



At dinner, unfortunately was when my gas back fired on me. Normally I have control over my bowels but for many reasons this time I did not. For one I was tired and for two I had spent many days trying to hold in farts while at the trade show. So combine being tired with being hungry and with the fact that I had exerted a rather large amount of energy over the past four days holding farts in. Now picture me at dinner with the whos who of the natural food industry and I am a little tired and cranky and a little gassy.

At first the dinner was going slow and I feeling a little under stimulated. I really didn't know anyone except the people who I work with and it was crowded and a little hard to hear. Ari was on my left and Eric was on my right. Then Lelia and her friend Dean showed up and the party started to get rollin'. I started having a lot of fun talking with Dean and Lelia. Then before I knew it I had a little tofu in my belly and I was shouting and laughing and telling stories. That's when it happened. It just slipped out and I really didn't realize it until it was too late. I was carrying on and having to much fun to tell that one had snuck out and it was not until the retched smell hit the air that I started to panic. The smell was reported later as the worst one yet and it hit Ari and Eric hard. They both lept up at the same time from the table with their shirts over their noses and tried to run. Fearful that if they left it would be obvious that it was I who lay the fart I started clutching at Eric. I griped his shirt as I pleaded with my eyes not to run, but he could not handle it and he broke free from my death grip and ran to the safety of the bar. There I sat, alone with the smell and across from me sat all the big wigs and my boss Joel. Everyone was doing the polite thing and pretending not to smell the most putrid smell they may have ever smelled. I on the other hand was in peals of laughter, I don't know why because it only further proved I was the guilty party but I just could not stop laughing! Joel look at me from across the table and shrugged his shoulders " Oh well." was all he could muster up. I 'm sure he was very close to passing out and may have been in a fart induced delirium. Ari and Eric got drunk at the bar while waiting for the storm to pass. Ari said that it was so bad he didn't even think we could be friends anymore. When I heard that it brought back the hysterical fit I had been in earlier. I immediately called Teddydigital to tell him the story.

This is my favorite Crispy Cat story to date.

A response to the comment left on "Line Hijinks"

I would like to respond to the comment left on "Line Hijinks"

The comment was totally lost on me. First of all that little story was not my "take on the trade show experience" it was half of a little vignette I was writing about Ari. And for the record I went around and asked many vendors for many samples and I also was a vendor who got asked for many samples and gladly handed them out. So that is that. However I am happy that someone commented on the blog.

Now on to the rest of my story.
I don't remember the rest of my story anymore.

Trade show hijinks......

Ari was my hotel buddie during the trade show. Meaning we stayed in the same gross, busted hotel on one side of town while Eric and Joel stayed at a beautiful clean hotel on the other non-getto side of town. It was OK because I delighted so much in watching Ari hate our hotel that it totaly made up fpr the fact that we were in a hotel that had a greyhound bus sataion and travel staion attachted to it. As we suveyed the "work out room" Ari kept saying "We will surive, we will survive" but what he was really saying was "I hope I survive whatever diseases I get from this place." its not like we were going to war and it was possible that we were'nt going to survive, we were just working out on outdated gym equipment.

Don't cry I will be back soon.

If you are a loyal reader and you love me please don't cry when you read the following news....I will be at Expo East until next Tuesday!

So there will be no new blogs until then, unless I get to a computer while I am on the road. Call Ari and tell him to buy me a lap top. Just call him and bother him I do it all the time. Ari is the CFO of this place so if you need a loan or a ride to work or something just give him a call.

He also looks a lot like Joel, just with out the tattoos. So, sometimes it's confusing, especially if my bangs have fallen in my face or something and I am seeing him out of the corner of my eye.

My point is that he is the money person around here so if you feel outraged about the fact that I can't do my blog, than don't come cryin' to me, call Ari.

Anyway, bye, I 'll miss you.
If my dogs are reading this then Inky, Petunia and Otto I will miss you guys and I love you!!
If my cats are reading this then Mr. Big I will miss you and I love you.
If my husband is reading this than Teddydigital I will miss you and I love you.
And if Bob the neighbor cat is reading this than Bob I will miss you and I love you.

Line hijinks

Recently Mary told me about an experience she had in a local coffee shop, it was horrifying.

Whilst waiting in line , a practice that Mary hates, she learned something new.



A small girl was thirsty and wanting her mother to buy her a bottle of water. The little girl said "Mommy, I want a bottle of water" and the mommy said " Oh, you mean earth juice? You want mommy to get you a bottle of earth juice?" Mary was aghast. The incident was described as embarrassing and uncomfortable, and what falls into the category, according to Mary as line hijinkss. I was intrigued, what I wondered is line hijinkss? Line hijinkss are all the things that people do while waiting in line that are inconvenient and/or annoying and obnoxious to others. I have been guilty of line hijinks many, many times. Some of my biggest offenses have been....

• Paying for things in change and taking a long time to count my pennies


• Spacing out on a long line instead of figuring out what I want to order and then debating out loud what I should get.


• Having a tickle fight with Teddydigital and encroaching on the space of others.


• Dropping my bag and having the contents spill all over the floor, usually reveling personal items that make others uncomfortable; such as but not limited too, pamphlets on chronic constipation and personal lubricants


• Starting up conversations with strangers just to pass time, usually when its obviously they don't want to forge a new friendship.

Those are the line hijinks's I have been guilty of and will admit to. One line hijink that is totally unforgivable is the person that stands in a line and just farts. Just farts and acts like they have no idea that a horrible smell is invading everyones face and making them want to simultaneously puke and punch someone.

If you have other forms of line hijinks that you would like to contribute please let me know.

Please read if you are a squirrel and/or operate a moter veichel

Lately I have seen way to many squirrels run over on the road. Not just a few, but a ton! I counted 8 on 240, I was horrified. We need a better plan, a better way of co-existing with the squires, we need to stop running them over with our cars. And the squirrels need to do their part as well, that is why I am doing a how to for squirrels and for the operators of moter vehicles pass this along.


This part is for the squirrels......

We all need to do our part in road safety, even you squirrels. Yes you're cute and fuzzy and funny to watch but there is nothing funny about how you cross the street. So I have outlined some safety tips that should help ensure that you live another day or at least a few more hours.

1. This is the simplest rule but most often the most forgotten LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS. I see squirrels just running all willy nilly into the street and then trying to abort the mission when cars are racing towards them bring me to #2

2. Once you have made the decision to cross, stick with it and follow Thu until completion. After you have looked both ways and seen that the coast is clear just go for it. Thus avoiding all the zig zaging all over the place and we all know what zig zaging leads to.

3. Don't try to cross to a place that is uncrossable. Meaning if you see that on I-240 w there is a huge concrete divider that is 4 feet high and you have to run and then leap on to it to avoid the rush hour traffic then be smart and don't do it.

4. Most importantly use your tiny head. Being cute can get you only so far in this world. I have done 2 squirrel rescue missions because of flippant road crossing antics. All accidents that could have been avoided. By the way I was not the one that injured the squires with my car I was the one that witnessed the crime and then intervened and took the squirrel with the broken leg to Dr. Pablo's office.


This is for the operators of motor vehicle

1. Stop being so selfish and thinking that animals have no business in the road. We have invaded their would and put are cars and roads and bulls*#@t in their home and then we run
them over.

2. Pay attention when you see an animal lingering on the side of the road, squires are impulsive and make rash choices they are known for racing out, its your job to notice and slow down.

3. If you do hit a squirrel with your car then you need to get out and check to see if you need to take him/her to the vet. Don't be so cheep, its your fault for being a part of the most greedy species of animals on the planet, totally encroaching on all other animals territory and then coping an attitude when inconvenienced by other beings.

4. Be nice and toss nuts out your car window in heavily populated squirrel areas. its the least you can do.

Why did'nt someone tell me....

There's this website chronicbabe.com. The whole thing is a resource for women with chronic illness. I must say I think they are pretty cool, the editor and founder Jenni has done some kick ass reviews of our product and for that we will love her always.
So this morning I go on to her site just to check it out and I was shocked to see that there was a contest, a blogging contest, and I was not included!!!!!!!!!!
The contest was the thinkers blog, something about thinking, I'm not sure if it was blogs that make you think or people who are serious thinkers writing blogs. Either way I think I fall into both categories and should have been nominated and then won!

You might be saying, whoa Ann, slow your roll there are a lot of good blogs out there what makes you so special? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I laugh a lot when I write this blog and then when I re-read it I think its pretty funny AND I also cover some intense topics that make people think too. Such as, animal rights and incontinence and vegetarianism and a lot of very helpful how to pieces I also deal with family and marital issues and conflict resolution. That is just a few the list goes on and on and I have to make some sales calls so I can't write the whole thing OK!

Perhaps I need to make up an award and then award it to myself. This is inspiring me. I am officially inspired.

Stay tuned for my awards ceremony where I will be presenting myself with a VERY prestigious award!

A book report on Skinny Bitch

Today is a holiday and I 'm having a hard time working. I feel unfocused and I want to lay on the floor of my office and stare at the ceiling. Stu the graphics guy just found a bunch of old school Crispy Cats and wanted to know if he was allowed to eat them till he pukes. I told him yes, that is our company policy, eat candy bars until you puke. Everyone is being super quite in the office, even me. I think I will refrain from eating candy bars till I puke because I am not into the whole binge and purge scene, bulimia is so out this season. I think being anorexic is out this season as well, at least that's what I read on Yahoo news, something about baning super skinny models. Speaking of all that I think its high time I did that book report I promised the gals over at Skinny Bitch headquarters I would do.

Here goes.......

A book report by Ann Sweeney
Skinny Bitch
Written by: Two skinny bitches Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

I will say that I support the ideas in this book for the most part. I have a feeling that most of the people who read this book are already skinny bitches. As evidenced by pictures of Posh Spice holding it. By the way, Posh is so thin that she can literally fax herself places and for the record being that skinny doesn't look good and it certainly doesn't look healthy. It actually has an age accelerating effect where women who might look beautiful otherwise has starved themselves into looking like skelator. Anyway that has nothing to do with the book. The book is basically about veganism. Underneath all the insults and shaming is the basic message of a vegan diet. I guess if they called their book Vegan Bitch it might not have been so popular. Personally, being called names has never motivated me to change but if that works for some people than I think its great. I can't argue with anything they say in the book and I stand behind their beliefs. I liked how they added all the stories about what happens in the slaughterhouses. It's important for people to know how they got that big, nasty, fat laden burger and all the suffering that was a result of their choices. Good for you skinny bitches! They out line some really good menu ideas that are helpful and give a ton of lists with a lot of really good products, including Crispy Cat!

A part of me liked all the insults and name calling. It was fun.
Let me break this down for you....
Skinny Bitch, good book about veganism disguised cleverly so that L.A. women who could care less about animals but hate being fat will by it.
Hopefully people will read the stories about the animal suffering and will feel moved to make a change.

While I was writing this Stu came over and told me about something called pug bowling and I started freaking our thinking people were hurting pugs, I could just picture some ignoramus sliding a pug down a bowling lane and it getting its chubby little body stuck in that machine that picks up the pins and resets them. Luckily it was nothing of the sort! I investigated and it was something lame but not hurting any pugs. I love me some pugs and if anyone tries to hurt one they will get their ass kicked. That rule applies to all dog breads and cats too, actually any animal for that matter.

Ok so I hope people will read this book and think about making some changes, not just so they can be skinny but so they can stop sucking.

Just eat a Crispy Cat and be happy.
I think they should consider calling the book Vegan Betch, deal with it!

Tell me what you want.

Just in case you did not know, you can subscribe to this blog and get it sent to your e-mail everyday. Yes, everyday. You won't even have to do anything other than hit the subscribe button and then just sit back and enjoy.

Now lets get down to business. Since putting it out there for people to give me stories about slacksadents I have gathered some really funny stories. Especially from Stu or graphics guy and from Mary and from really everyone els I mention it to. Apparently a lot of people have had experience with crapping their pants and have no qualms talking about it. And every time I retell one of these stories people are laughing so hard they're crying and then suddenly remember "this time when...." and so on and so forth. The circle keeps getting bigger and I feel like I am really providing a much needed safe place for these great stories that previously people have not had an outlet for. It has been unacceptable to discuss bowel malfunctions or loose stool that came unexpectedly, until now. But here is my question....I don't want this blog to take a turn for the worse and become something ill. I only want to go forward with this project if it is what the people want. You must comment and let me know if you want to hear all these wonderful stories. If not that's OK, perhaps you have reached your poop limit and you thought it was funny and now its gross. Or perhaps you think its always funny and you want more. I don't know so I'm asking you. I know that its funny to me and since no one is commenting on this blog I might just be writing for myself anyway and that's OK too because I laugh my ass off when I 'm writing those stories.

By the way, scatological humor is totally legit so don't feel like your a dumb ass for liking it.

Oily discharge is not OK

Finally someone responded to my requests to submit stories for my new epic novel Oops I crapped my pants. The person who told me their story asked me to keep him anonymous and even though I don't really want to, I will respect his wishes.



This man. who shall remain nameless was on a train traveling to see a friend. During his travels he got a little peckish and needed a snack. Since he was in a hurry he was forced to get a snack from a vending machine in the train station. This person is normally a label reader and tries his best to pick healthy snacks but on this particular day he didn't. So he makes his selection, thinking he was just getting a regular bag of chips. He eats the chips and forgets all about it.



Later on.......



Our friend finally arrives at his distention around 2 hours after he ate the "chips" and is standing in his friends apartment about to make a phone call. As he waiting for the person to pick up on the other end he had a sudden and totally shocking turn of events......in his pants!!!!!

He totally crapped his pants, and he didn't even see it coming! He was so disturbed by this slacksadent that he racked his brain trying to figure out what it could have been that would have caused him to have a total breakdown in his bowel system. Somewhere along the line some thing malfunctioned and the signal that tells a grown man to go to the bathroom was disengaged, hence the unfortunate dropping of an ass bomb. So, this guy goes Thur his bag and finds the culprit. It was the bag of seemingly innocent and unassuming chips he had consumed several hours earlier, they were filled with the substance known as Olestra. It is a widely known fact that Olestra can cause "anal leakage or an oily discharge from the anus." Those are the words on the package and those were the experiences of our friend who suddenly found himself with soiled pants.

Just like that he went from a normal adult who is potty trained to an incontinent man in need of a diaper. In 2 minuets, the time it took to inhale those chips , his dignity was gone.

I can tell you this, you will never have anal leakage or an oily discharge from eating a Crispy Cat Candy Bar. No, never, in fact are label states that our product will not cause any oily discharges and your anus is guaranteed not to leak or your money back guaranteed.

There are not a lot of guarantee in life and very few things are certain but one of them is that anything that causes your ass to leak is definitely not good for you and the other is that vegan, gluten-free and kosher Crispy Cats are the sane choice when it comes to snacking, because after all we care about our costumers and even though it makes for good stories we don't want anyone to crap their pants because of something they ate.

The chicken truck....it was bad.

I was traveling to Atlanta Ga on Monday, (no not to find Michael Vick so I could scratch his eyes out) Digital and I were going to have a romantic getaway. As we were driving I saw a chicken truck, a truck chock full of chickens. It was so sad.
There were tons and tons of chickens in tiny wire cages and the cages were so small the chickens could 'nt even sit up, they were all hunched over and cramped. All I could think about when I saw that horrible truck of impending suffering and doom was what about the poor chickens in the middle? How do they even breath? So depressing and so cruel.

Upon seeing my distress Teddydigital tryed to cheer me up by say that perhaps the chickens were going off to a chicken sanctuary somewhere, that hippies from Asheville rescued them and were taking them someplace nice. I added that yes maybe the chicken liberation front had a hand in it and it was just some of the many chickens that had be rescued.

Of course we all know that's not true. They went someplace bad.
If you could have seen their little faces....I can't even stand remembering there little white fluffy bodies all smooshed into those cages. It was like the people who put them in there didn't know they were animals.

I know this is a sad post and tomorrow it will be funny again. Somethings are just not funny, and the chicken truck is one of them.

If you like my blog and you think its sexy c'mon people let me know

If you love my blog like you say you do then why don't you post comments?
If you love me then post a comment.
Because I love you and would post a comment on your blog......that's emonital manipulation and it's wrong of me....sorry....


I recently had a religious experience. In general I'm the sort of person who is prone to having experiences with the paranormal and supernatural, but this was an honest to god spiritual experience. I think this is right up there with seeing the virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, and I did happen to have a virgin Mary sighting in 1995 but no one believed me and my parents thought I was becoming a schizophrenic and tried to put me on medication. This is not like that time.

I was driving to a demo in Charleston, SC and I was already having an emotional time because I had PMS. Then the check engine light goes on in Teddydigital's car. So now I'm freaking out and really mad about the fact that I had to use my own car for business because the check engine light is on. So I call Teddydigital and tell him this and he tells me to go to the Toyota dealership and have them check it. That really made me mad because I had no idea where the Toyota dealership is and he didn't seemed the slightest bit concerned with my car breaking down on the side of the road and either
a) A mack truck running me over.
or
b) Getting raped and killed by insane meth addicts.
Both of which happen in this day and age all the time. It's actually quite common really. The only thing I could think to do was keep getting off at exits and seeing if I could find a service station. It was already 4:00 and I knew places would be closing soon. I got off at the next exit and there were a few old, and scary looking gas stations but no service stations and the gas stations looked like they were being manned by the very meth addicts I was trying to avoid. The next exit looked sketchy and I passed it by but the following exit looked hopeful. I started driving down a long road filled with a bunch of crap that wasn't helpful, I started to worry that if I went too far or took too many turns I might get lost. I began to despair. It seemed like all was lost. I started to feel scared and lonely and I instantly knew just what Jim Morrison was talking about when he said people look strange when you're a stranger so I did what people do when they are scared and lonely, I prayed.
I prayed God, I'm totally lost and I have no idea where the Toyota dealership is and I don't want to get attacked by meth addicts and sold into an underground ring of sex slaves so please help me. I am turning this over to you because I don't know what I should do.

Just as I was finished with the last word it was like a miracle, behind the tress was the Toyota dealership! It just came into sight and it was miraculous indeed. So I pulled over and the people there were so nice and they fixed my car and sent me on my way free of charge! A total spiritual experience and a good lesson in trusting the universe.

Like I said, it's no grilled cheese Virgin Mary, but it's something and it was way cool.

Send me your stories.

Do you want to be in a book?
Do you want to be famous and desirable to members of the opposite sex?
Do you want to be remembered forever?
Do you want your life to mean something?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions than I have the opportunity of a life time for you. Be a part of the craze that is sweeping the nation.

Send me any stories you have about crapping your pants and I will include it in my book Ooops, I crapped my pants. Even if you have never crapped your pants but just know someone who did, call me or email me the story. Even if you just heard a story from a friend who knew a guy who knew a guy, that will work too. The best stories are involving people who are totally sober when they crap their pants but drunk stories are OK too.

Don't hesitate and miss the opportunity to make American history.

*This is not a joke, call now!*

Michael Vick you're goin' down....

I want to write about a religious experience I had this week but I am too distracted by thoughts of Michael Vick. So let me just get it out of my system so I can go on with my day.

I totally want to scratch Michael Vick's eyes out! There I said it!! I don't care how that sounds because it is so true, and it's not like I don't say it all the time anyway. I told Teddydigital this and he said it would be impossible for me to scratch his eyes out because he would have bodyguards all around him. Even though I have been going to the gym a lot, I'm not sure I could take on several bodyguards at once. Maybe if I watch the fight scenes in Kill Bill I could get some moves but it seems unlikely I would be able to pull it off, especially because I don't really want to hurt anyone,. That is except for Michael Vick. I asked Teddydigital if he would help me scratch Michael Vick's eyes out. My plan was to make my self totally stiff , like a little ruler and then Teddydigital could hold my legs and push me through the body guards like a stick and then I could scratch his eyes out, afterwards Digital could just pull me back and we could book outta there. He said no. Digital said that if we see Michael Vick he is throwing me in the car and racing away. I don't understand. Don't our marriage vows mean anything to him? For better or for worse? To have and to hold your wife like a stick so she can scratch a man's eyes out? Well, I don't know about him, but I heard that part of our vows and I totally care about it too!

I guess in the long run it's better that I don't act on that impulse. I mean someone has to be the better person, and it's not like me mauling Vick brings back all the dogs he killed or erases all the suffering they went through. Tt just lands me a little time in the clink. Besides Vick's life is over. He keeps getting his ass handed to him everyday so really I need to focus my attention elsewhere. Now, you may be wondering who I should be focusing on? I am so glad you asked, but you're probably going to get bummed because I was so bummed when I found out I was going to have to start harassing Ellen DeGeneres! Yes that's right ELLEN DEGENERES! I saw on T.V. that she is the new spokesperson for Tide cold water detergent! Who makes Tide? PROCTER AND GAMBLE!!!! And what do PROCTER AND GAMBLE do? They ABUSE ANIMALS NON-STOP, they make MONKEYS DRINK TIDE!!!! Yes and you know its true! If Ellen was not always talking about how much she loves animals and blah blah blah then I might not be as upset but she totally claims to love animals. So why is she in bed with Procter and Gamble? I mean they are the worst of the worst. And don't think if you use Tom's of Maine you're in the clear because Procter and Gamble bought them out and now they own Tom's of Maine's ass. Tom from Maine is a sell out. Anyway, Ellen was on the T.V. just going on and on about how we can help the environment by washing our clothes in cold water but she never once mentioned that she was a corporate sell out and that she thinks it's OK to make monkeys drink laundry detergent. I was sad because up until that moment I liked Ellen, and I thought she cared about animals, but I guess I was wrong, she only cares about money.

I know, let's all call the studio and tell them how lame it is that Ellen makes monkeys drink Tide and that we won't watch her show or tolerate her until she quits working for Procter and Gamble. Let me know how it goes!

Ooops, I craped my pants!

I have decided to write a book that is going to put me on the map! I had a Divine inspiration and I know this is the book God wants me to write. The holy spirit moved me and I instantly knew what my life's work is to be. Don't anyone dare try and steal my idea. I will pummel you if you try. I mean it. If someone tries to publish a book filled with true stories about people crapping their pants, you're as good as dead. I will come to your book signing and cause a huge scene. Oh and I think you know I will, so don't test me. Anyway, let's move on ......

This world is in need of a good laugh and nothing is funnier than this topic. When all the media covers is sadness and despair, I will bring the public the rub they so desperately need.
Yes, I'm going to go around compiling story's about people crapping their pants!! It is just so funny I don't know how it won't be a best seller!!! This morning at the gym, Mary told me 2 stories about people crapping their pants and I was laughing so hard I almost wet my pants. I had to cross my legs and bend over I was laughing so hard. One of the stories wasn't exactly about a person who crapped in their pants, it was more like a girl was doing a massage at a client's house and after the massage she was gripped with horrible pains and ran to the bathroom only to have the worst diarrhea of her life. Then the toilet over- flowed and started to seep into the hallway! She was forced to grab the lady's towels and start sopping up the mess, all the while she was wearing little crocheted shoes that were totally saturated in crap and crap water. Of course the girl to whom this tragedy befell did not find it funny. I thought it was one of the best stories i had heard in a long time, that is until Mary told me story # 2 (pardon the pun).

The second story was about her ex-boyfriend and the unexpected events that unfolded in his pants while traveling home after a job interview. The story was so memorable that he told everyone he knew about it. Apparently her boyfriend had a job interview at some fancy place in Boston so he was dressed up in dapper men's wear. I am assuming he had on dress pants, a belt and fancy shoes with nice socks that matched, along with a shirt he tucked in. As he was headed back to his apartment, according to Mary's version of the story, he felt horrible pain and his "sphincter contracted". As he raced to the first door and fumbled with his keys, it was uncertain if he would make it up the stairs and to the toilet in time. He made it through the first door, but unfortunately by the time he hit the stairs it was to late. He lost control of his bowels and it was running down his legs and settling in his shoes. He pushed on determined to make it to his apartment but as he ran, crap was squirting out of his shoes. He told Mary he was so grossed out he was gaging as he literally ripped the clothes off his body and jumped in the shower. I'm sorry, but that would only happen to a guy. I bet he had little twinges of pain alerting him to the situation on hand way before he felt the contractions in his sphincter. It doesn't even matter because the story is so funny. I'm glad he procrastinated on going to the bathroom.

I don't want to give away too much of the book, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
If you have a great story about crapping your pants or of someone you know crapping their pants, please let me know.

Part 1 of a disturbing story

Everyone is always saying how there is no instruction book for life or raising kids or meeting my dad, although I can't help out with the first two, I do have quite a bit of experience with the later. If unprepared, interfacing with my father could be the most traumatic experience of your life. I'm serious. It's no joke. I think to avoid feeling like my life has been in vain I should at least write a manual that could be helpful to others, to help unsuspecting fools avoid some of the pitfalls and land mines. Many of the rules of conventional society do not apply here, and some very odd rules are to be strictly adhered to at times. It's not your fault that you don't know them. It has taken me 31 years to figure them out and I still mess up sometimes. Gandhi wrote a book called My Experiments with Truth. My book is called My Experiments with My Father.

At the moment, my father is living in barn. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that his house is not yet built and he found himself without a place to live, so instead of coming to stay with me and Teddydigital in our house with plenty of room, he moved into the barn. I offered my parents my spare room but they declined, saying they didn't want to intrude and so my mother is staying with a friend because she doesn't want to live in a barn. I felt really bad thinking about my dad having to live in a barn, especially because he refuses to leave it unattended. He thinks there are bands of roving crystal meth addicts just waiting for the chance to steal his stuff. When I went over to see his new living arrangements he gave me the grand tour. he has a twin bed in the middle of the floor and a picnic table that had his computer on it and tons of other crap that was unidentifiable. He has coolers that are filled with beverages and food. He is being kept company by 3 dogs. The whole situation is so bizarre, but that's his style and I think he rather enjoys having something to guard and the possibility of getting to use his gun. I asked him if he closed the barn doors at night and his reply was "Yes, and I set a booby trap so if an intruder tries to enter, by the time the doors are opened, my guns will be blazin'." What do you even say to that except "sounds great!"

When I told my dad I was going to write a story about him he told me I was not to ever mention anyone in our family by name and no one was ever to be traced back to this blog! You would think I was writing about the Kennedy's. My father also gave me a fake name I could call him, but that's just too silly, even for me. He also said that if I wrote about him on this blog that I would find myself in the sequel to the classic Bruce Lee film Fists of Fury. He also said that anyone who woke him up before his natural alarm clock would find themselves in that movie as well.

Well, maybe people who don't want me to write about them will find themselves in the classic movie Blog of Fury. It was a total box office hit! *A laugh riot sensation* says the New York Times.

To be cont......

News Flash..........

Here is a news flash, please pay attention: Counting carbs is so passe. It's sooo 1999. So please when you see me out doing a demo do not ask me how many carbs are in a Crispy Cat. I ain't gonna tell ya. If you're still under the meat industry's spell of "Carbs are bad and protein is good" then you have to lift up the wrapper and check for yourself.

I'm not trying to be a hater but I was bombarded by that question today when I was out doing a demo and quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. It is just so dumb!! I am perplexed when people are genuinely concerned with carbs. It is such a scam, a total racket! That's why I said the other day that I feel bad for people in this country. It's like everyone is so trusting of the government, of course the meat industry is going to say if you eat more meat you will lose weight and then everyone is like yeah , lets stop eating fruit cause fruit has carbs and carbs make you fat! We hate fruit, fruit sucks! Let's eat a hot dog without the bun instead! For dessert we can have some yummy pork rinds!

Ummm.......News flash #2: If you think fruit makes you fat than you have a lot of other issues you should be looking at other than losing weight. One time a guy told me he was on a no carb diet and that he had not eaten any fruit for 6 years! He was so proud of that, he said it and then pat his rather round and rather hard looking belly. I bet his colon was like tubes of cement.

Small talk blows.

Small talk is the worst. I hate having small talk with people. It is really, really stupid. Not just stupid but boring and often times embarrassing. Everyone just shifts uncomfortably back and forth while they endure the nightmare.

Family functions are an occasion ripe with opportunities for hideous small talk. Especially when it's not your family, such as the wedding I attended last month with Teddydigital. It was his cousin's wedding and it was filled to the brim with people I didn't know and didn't invite to my wedding. Not to mention that at the actual wedding it was like a scene from a movie with stereotypical drunk Irish people abound: laughing, yelling, drinking and dancing with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. They all claimed they wanted to meet me, but really I think they wanted to get a look at the bitch who didn't invite them to her wedding.

At the time of our wedding, Teddydigital and I should have had a press conference and let everyone know that we were having a small wedding with 25 people and not to take it personally, but we aren't going into debt and getting all stressed out so everyone can come stuff themselves and get drunk on our dime. Sorry but Digital has a HUGE family and if we invite one cousin we have to invite all 600 of them. Honestly, I didn't feel like spending my whole wedding day milling around having horrible small talk with everyone, I could just as easily do that at someone else's wedding and that is what I did.

Everyone asks the same boring questions, what do you do for work?.......how do you like living in Asheville?.....when are you gonna have kids? Oh Lord just take me now!

Since there was no vegetarian option offered, Teddydigital asked if they could make one (what a guy) as they served the limp veggies swimming in grease our table mates took notice. Amid steaks and obesity I was peppered with questions....you don't eat meat?......but you eat chicken right?.....but you have to eat meat if you ever want to get pregnant!...chicken is not meat!....Where do you get your protein from?....You need protein OH MY GOD YOU NEED PROTEIN!

I actually feel bad for the people in this country.

I knew I was the most active and most fit of everyone at that table, yet I was the one who was having their diet scrutinized. I no longer have the protein debate with people, it's pointless and predictable. I just kindly let them know that my Doctor fully supports my vegetarian diet and thinks it is healthier for growing a baby than a meat based diet. I also like when people tell me I'll have to give up running when I'm pregnant. Yeah, just start eating burgers and laying around on my couch all day catching gestational diabetes, that's the game plan. I just find it curious that people can be 50lbs overweight and waiting in line for a heart attack or stroke and have the balls to give a healthy and fit person shit because they don't want to eat cows. It would make better sense for that person to look at the non-cow eating person and ask about their lifestyle and diet, in hopes of saving their life which is obviously hanging in peril. Oh well.

Back to the topic of small talk. I have outlined some more interesting options to the usual boring questions. After all, I'm all about solutions.

Boring question: What do you do for work?
Interesting question: Would you date a transsexual if they were really hot?

Boring question: So, how do you like living in _______(fill in with the place you re-located to)
Interesting question: Have you ever had an STD?

Boring question: Wow, this is some weather were having, huh?!
Interesting question: Do you get a rash on your ass when you sweat to much? Cause you look like you would.

Boring question: Where do you get your protein from if you don't eat meat?
Boring answer: Soy and nuts to name a few.
Interesting answer answer: Semen, of course

Pages from my ill diary.

Dearest Diary,

I am ever so ill today. Why? Well its just one of those days, you know the sort of day I'm talking about. For example you might be on the road traveling and you come back to your office and you find someone has stolen your lamp and then you might get accused of changing the HTML on the company myspace and you don't even know what HTML is. Then someone in the warehouse may have spilled coffee all over your shipping forms and now you have to re-do them and then you get a major 'tude from the warehouse when you give them shit about it. Oh, and then your manager might think that throwing almonds at you while you work is funny even when it's obviously not. And the best is when you find a mug that boasts "Big time lover" on it and it's filled with a rotten smoothie and just haphazardly left on your desk. Rude. Rude and nasty. Nasty and vile. Vile and repugnant. Oh yes and don't forget smelly. Yes it smelled like a compost heap that was composting in hell. Roasting on the flames of stench.

That's all I wish to say on that topic.

I had many adventures on my travels this week including an almost encounter with David Sedaris. I was in Raleigh doing a demo, while I was chopping samples I saw a small, tidy man thru my bangs and I thought it was him. I got really excited because he is my literary role model. You can imagine my disappointment when I pushed the hair out of my face and discovered it wasn't David Sedaris after all, just some random small, tidy gay man, not the small tidy gay man I was hoping for. Oh well.

I also saw some weird polygamists in the hotel. They were stone cold munchin' the free continental breakfast. I couldn't stop staring. It was so Big Love. I have been meaning to write an essay titled"Polygamy gets the job done" but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Perhaps if I had sister wives I would have more time for my writing.

I guess if I had to have a sister wife I would pick my friend Jessica. She sort of already looks like a Mormon and I think she is pretty good with household responsibilities. I have full confidence that she has what it takes to live the principal. I would of course be first wife so I would ultimately call all the shots but she would be a great wing-man.

The only problem I have is the whole sharing a husband thing. I have never excelled at sharing or communal living for that matter. If I can't share an apartment with someone can I really share a husband? No matter how much I like someone I'm not going to let them sleep with Teddydigital. I also have not checked with TeddyDigital to see if he is even interested in becoming polygamists. I think really what I'm in the market for is not a sister wife but more of a maid/personal assistant. That would definitely give me more time to write and I wouldn't have to let some other woman sleep with my husband.

That's all I have to say on that topic as well.

Pages from my diary (zombie attacks)

Dear Diary,

Last night I was viciously attacked by zombies. Oh the horror, for reals. I didn't know that the stalking patterns of zombies were so intense, but they are! I should probably think of doing a zombie survival guide so others can read it and be prepared in case of an attack. Wow, I am such a nice person. My compassion and concern for others is overwhelming sometimes. I mean, there I was just putting on my PJ's and getting ready to watch my 2nd favorite show and eat some rainbow sherbet, when I fell prey to their fangs and claws. Trust me when I say fighting zombies is no picnic. No sir, it is not easy. The worst part is, you never know who is going to become a zombie, either!! And once a person has been infected you just have to forget you ever knew them because there is no recovery from zombie-itis once they bite you. Fortunately, I was not bitten by the zombies but I was re-attacked this morning by different zombies from the same zombie crew! I managed to survive and am no worse for the wear.

I read somewhere that zombies can sense when a woman is ovulating and that is when they are most prone to become violent. I think zombies hate the idea of babies because babies are so cute and happy and babies are notorious for getting a lot of attention and we all know that zombies LOVE attention and they don't like to share. Perhaps there is a new career for me on the horizon; Annie the Zombie Slayer!! Yes, I think that has a nice ring to it.

Slaying zombies, writing hilarious and informative blogs and spreading the word about the joys of eating yummy, vegan Crispy Cat candy bars may sound like a lot but it's all in a day's work for this gal.

In other news, my agent Carlos has promised to get me a MAC, but it hasn't happened yet. It is awful hard to write my book without it. Boo hoo. How can I be expected to be creative on a PC!?! Perhaps I can work slaying zombies on commission and save up for a MAC.

OK diary, I have to go now.

Don't be a player hater.

This is war.

Just when you think it's safe........

Bottom line: I was tomato bombed! Yes, the master of tomato bombing had the tables turned on her and was bombed. The twist is that it's not who you think.

So there I was sitting and having a chat with Julie Schantz when I noticed a package on my desk. It was a small brown box with a label addressed to me, just sitting there looking so innocent and so full of the promise of gifts and treats awaiting me inside. Yet it was also a tad suspicious considering that there was no postage on it. hmmm....an inner office present??? I think an inner office grudge gift is more like it.

I asked Joel's daughter Molly if she saw any one near my desk. It seemed so odd that I was sitting at the conference table so nearby and didn't see the interloper. Molly said the only one she saw near my desk was The Fig. I wasn't surprised. So with caution and trepidation I opened the box. There were a zillion little peanut things, (so unfriendly towards our environment) and my hand keep roving through, searching for a treat until my finger had intercourse with something rather unfortunate...a nasty, moldy, stinky, floppy, rotten tomato.
OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!

Oh yes he did. I shrieked at the sight and smell of moldy 'maters all over my fingers.
So I scooped it up and headed to the warehouse to do a little confronting. I saw my shot; I could have nailed his ass right there in the face with that mater', but I just couldn't do it. He was just moseying around, pretending not to know anything about the moldy 'mater and I just knew he would be a punk about it if I slammed a 'mater in his hair. He would get mad and then it really would be war. I then turned and looked at Eric. I could definitely feel OK throwing it on him, but he was already one step ahead of me and warned me not to do it because he was "wearing a baby blue shirt." That's what he said!!!! A baby blue shirt!!!!! On principal alone I should have then thrown it on him.

In the end I went outside and hurled it on the dumpster and watched it explode. It was a little anti-climactic to say the least. I do find it interesting however, that The Fig would waste food, considering I was harshly chided for basically taking food out of some gutter punk squatter kid's mouth with all my waste the week before.
I guess that's why they say *all is fair in love and war*.

Notes on a demo scandal.

While I was gone doing demos for Tree Huggin' Treats I kept a diary to document my travels. If you think the life of Demo Girl is without danger and excitement, think again. The life of Demo Girl is always intense. (Wait, that's Repo Man. Never mind).

Dear Diary,

My travels today were fraught with peril. First, I got lost going to Greenville and then I almost starved to death. Luckily, when I pulled over at a rest stop to panic I didn't have to forage for food in the vending machines or garbage cans. Instead, I busted open a box of the Crispy Cats and ate a mint coconut while composing myself on the curb.

After I placed several phone calls to several unhelpful people, I was on the road again and headed in the right direction...or so I thought.

Lost again after getting totally absorbed by the Sirius radio banter of the Martha Stewart channel, I pulled over to a gas station. It was really scary and I was sure I was going to get raped by the clerk. It was like a bad movie. I couldn't have made up a more stereotypical redneck. He was wearing a cut-off flannel shirt, and he had jail house looking tattoos and he was dipping. Dipping....need I say more? But I knew time was of the essence and so I sucked it up and asked if I was anywhere near I-85. After the clerk had a good chuckle about how lost I was he told me how to get to the highway. I really didn't want to use the bathroom there, but I was ready to pee my pants so I asked him if he had a restroom I could use. He pointed toward a dark hallway and told me it was at the end of the hall to the left. I swear I heard him laughing like Vincent Price as I walked towards my demise. Everything in my heart told me to get the hell out of there and just pee in my pants. Even though I felt like I was in the movie Hostel, I didn't have the heart to run screaming out of there. What if he was really a nice person and it hurt his feelings that I was afraid to use his bathroom? Was I really so superficial and stuck up that I was too good to pee in this man's gas station? The answer is yes, but it was too late at this point to turn back, so I just edged along until I made it to the bathroom. The cleanliness of the toilet was a nightmare so I used all my best yoga skills to hover over the Bowl of Doom, but my foot slipped on some slime and my ass ended up touching the seat!! It was not till I stood up that I realized that there was something gross and sticky on my ass cheek. I was totally distraught and decided that I really didn't want that part of my ass anymore and at the first possible opportunity I was going to cut it off. I truly felt at that point that merely washing it off would not suffice. No. This was too intense; the ass cheek would have to go. In the end I didn't cut it off, but I am seeking counseling for PTSD.
That's all I have for now, diary, but I will write more later after I have recouperated. I'm so happy I didn't get raped on this demo excursion. But I have been lifting weights at the gym in preparation for my upcoming arm wrestling contest, so it would be interesting to see if I could kick the ass of a grown man.
I think all the super sets I have been doing and all the Crispy Cats I have been eating to recover are about to pay off big time!

Just say no to the cat hat.

I am ashamed to say that I recently did something very mean to my cat Mr. Big and my dog Inky.


I know, you're wondering how an animal lover like me could commit an act of animal cruelty to her precious and beloved pets. I am the person who made phone calls to the NFL demanding they sack Michael Vick and called Nike and said I would throw away all my Nike stuff if they didn't boot him . So what would make a person like me do something heinous to an animal?

*Don't freak out I didn't actually abuse my animals*

Here's how good things turn into bad things. I was shopping at a large department store with my good friend April. We were just picking up crap we didn't need and wasting our youth. I wanted to get one of those self watering things for my cats, the kind that has a big bottle on top and water just flows out as needed. Recently I have taken on the duty of caring for a 17 year old cat. Bob is a neighborhood cat that decided he liked the way Teddydigital and I kick it so he moved in. Actually, he was first living with the people who lived in our house before us and when they moved they gave Bob to the neighbor man. Then the neighbor man's girlfriend moved in with her two cats and those cats decided they didn't like Bob so they beat him up until Bob said *eff it* and split. The neighbor lady and the neighbor man both felt bad but since there was nothing they could do about the fact that Bob would not live there, they had to accept it. Personally I love Bob. He has a crazy story and he looks like the crypt keeper. When he was a kitten, a dog attacked him and bit off his tail and most of his ears, hence the name Bob. He's also deaf and a little on the scrawny side and his hair is falling out. But he loves Teddydigital and he loves me and our three dogs and our cat Mr.Big, so I say *the more the crazier*! Anyway, the point is, this neighbor lady said the vet said Bob needs more water and since Bob is a picky- pants, I wanted to make sure he had a clean source to sip from.

As I was picking out the new water system I see the most wonderful and evil thing ever. This is where the animal abuse comes into play; it was something called "The cat hat". It was a little hat meant for your cat. It has an elephant on it and it straps under the chin. So cute, so funny and so cruel. Cats are prideful creatures and an elephant hat that straps under the chin is the last thing they would ever don. But the cat in the picture looked so happy to be wearing it, I decided that Mr.Big would be embarrassed to wear it but Petunia probably wouldn't care. After all she is just a little butterball of cuteness and loves to wear clothes. Not really, but she looks super cute in them.

My intentions were the best, but then when I got home I realized that Petunia's head was too fat for the cat hat. So I looked to Inky. It was risky because Inky is not messing around and has no problem giving me a nip. He's old and grumpy but his head is so tiny and perfect for the cat hat. I was right too. It looked so cute and funny and I laughed and laughed. Inky didn't hate it but I wouldn't say he loved it . He tolerated it and then after I stopped hugging him and laughing he shook it off. I should have stopped there. I should have been happy with seeing it on the dog, but I wasn't. I was like a cat hat junkie. I needed to see it on more animals. I looked for Mr. Big but he was no where to be found. I saw Bob but he's too old for the cat hat and I just couldn't bear to do it to him. I waited until Mr. Big came home for his supper and after he ate and came over to me for some pets, I stuck the cat hat on him. Oh how precious it looked indeed! I carried a pissed off Mr. Big to Teddydigital to show him the cat hat. Mr. Big was laying sort of limp in my arms. That's normal for him. He's really long and lean and I had never known that to be a pre-attack stance before. Teddydigital thought the cat hat was evil and embarrassing and made me take it off Bigs, and as soon as I did, Bigs gave me a bite on the hand. I must have deserved it because he never bites and has a great temperament. But he didn't stop with just a bite. He jumped on a chair and started swiping at Inky who was standing by and then looked at me and tried to swipe me as well. He was enraged at being made to wear that cat hat! I kept trying to say sorry by petting him but he wasn't in the mood to accept my apology. I felt really bad. How could I humiliate my cat like that? He's so good and loving and I betrayed him by making him wear a cat hat. Damn that cat hat!

Let this be a warning: Don't buy the cat hat no matter how cute you think your cat might look in it. Your cat will hate it and you will feel like the worst person ever for making them wear it.

The tomato bombing.

I need to tell the world what happened in our office today at Tree Huggin' Treats!!!
It was so funny, I'm still laughing. I think I'm going to wet myself. I can't stop laughing.

Ok, I'm composing myself.
So, Leila brought in tomatoes from her backyard last week. Some of the tomatoes were a little soft and then they sat here all weekend. So, come Monday morning, they were just begging to be chucked at someone.

Eric decided to chuck a few of the cherry tomatoes at me early on in the day. So I, in turn, chucked a few back. In the end I had cherry tomatoes all over the back of my shirt and on the walls of my office. Fine.

Later on.....

At lunch time, Eric announced that today was the day he was going to be able to hit the pole out back with one of the tomatoes. For months he has been trying to hit the pole out back with various pieces of rotten fruit. He never makes the shot but he never gives up either. It's a hard shot because it's off the loading dock and the pole is on an angle. But mostly he just has bad aim.
So we go out to the loading dock. Eric had four rotten tomatoes and I'm armed with one extra squishy tomato. While Eric warms up his arm, I warm up mine. While he figures out where to throw, I do likewise. Eric takes a deep breath and lets the first tomato go. He misses. He actually missed the first three and then on the fourth makes contact and the rotten tomato explodes on the pole. We cheer and jump up and down. Now it's my turn, as Eric is jumping up and down, arms raised in a victory dance, I take my shot. Timing is everything and I know once I throw it I have to run. I meant to hit him in the back, but I missed and ended up hitting him in the back of his head! It was glorious!! When the tomato hit, it splatted and stuck to his head before it fell off. His hair was encrusted with seeds and pulp. I swear I saw little stars going around his head and heard birds chirping. He lurched forward and paused as if in denial about the tomato bombing he had just been the victim of. I knew I didn't have much time. I would have to save laughing for later, so I booked out of there.

I fled the scene and ran into the warehouse. I thought he would have the remains of the tomatoes, so I ran to The Fig's desk and ducked behind his chair. The Fig was like " I don't know what you're doing but get away from my desk!" (such a grump).

To my surprise, Eric was not brandishing the remains of the tomato. So I just started laughing and laughing and laughing. And I have been laughing ever since and that was about an hour ago. It was hands down the funniest thing that has ever happened in this office!! I wish I had it on film so I could share it with everyone.

If a person was depressed and on top of a building ready to jump, all you would have to do was show them a video of me beaming Eric in the head with a tomato and they would come down from the ledge. I'm considering going around to mental hospitals and telling depressed people this story. I think I may have just found the cure for depression. All over the world people in hospitals suffering from depression will be given rotten tomatoes to chuck at someone's head. The results will be amazing. This is what they must mean by the food-mood connection.

I know Eric is planning his revenge and I'm sure I will hate whatever it is, but for now I don't even care. I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing. I recommend that everyone throw a rotten tomato at their manager. If you don't have a manager just come over to our office and you can throw one at Eric.