Land whale

They have been keeping me way to busy here! I have been doing a ton of sales and a bunch of demos and this has left me little time to write about the goings on in this office and in my life.
For one thing I am a land whale. When people see me on the street I bet they are thinking what is that whale doing on the land? Just walking around and what not, quick someone push her back in the water before it is too late. At this point I am 25 weeks pregnat and starting to get a really big tummy. I'm really getting used to being pregnagnt and don't know what I am going to do for excuses once I am no longer pregnant. I guess at that point I can just use the baby as my excuse to wear my PJs out of the house and pretend they are pants.
Also I want to eat the entire world. Did I mention that I am a land whale?

Updates

Since I have not been able to post for awhile I thought I would update you all on what is going on.
1. If you live in the Asheville area and you want to get some free Crispy Cat samples then come to Earthfare.

I am going to be demoing there on Friday (Arden) that is this Friday and then next friday at the Westgate Earthfare from 11:30-3:30

2. Also I farted on Stu's hoodie and he got really mad. Don't worry we made up.

3. Morgan gave me a really great haircut so now I feel pretty again. If you come to Asheville or live here you should check out her vintage boutqie called Hip Replacements on Lexington ave.

4. We had a new office built into our space by Lewis who told me and Stu really crazy stories about his childhood.

5. About 10 million people made remarks about how big I am. Hey, heres a shocker...when you are pregnant you get bigger!! I know I am totaly breaking ground here but it is the truth!!
also it is very rude to make comments to a pregnant lady about how "big" she looks.

6. Valentines day is almost here so get your sweetie some yummy crispy cats. We are on sale at Earthfare all month so if you are local take advantage.

7. Tonight lost is on with the season premier and I can't wait. If you don't love lost than I think you might be suffering brain damage.

8. The spell checker is broken so pretend you don't see all the spelling errors.

If your local store dosen't carry us heres what you do...

Galle left a comment about having to smuggle the bars in from Canada. That is just a shame!!!
In the country that claims to be the land of opportunity all people should have accesses to good candy bars!! (I should run for president, I'm good)
Here is what I am going to do for the people of this country.
If you have a local health food store or co-op or whatever and you want them to carry our product and they don't just send me the name of the store and the phone number and I will give them a call. I will give them a sales call they won't soon forget! No seriously I will call them and send them samples and give them good deals to start carrying Crispy Cats.
I will do this because I love the people who love us!!
So don't be shy just e-mail me at ann@crispycatcandybars.com and I will make it happen for you!

Cat scratch fever....i thought I had it.

This morning I was huggin' my cat Mr. Big. Bigs is like the most loving and friendly cat in the world. He is a huge yellow cat, not fat just tall, sorta like a lion. Anyway one of the best things about him is that you can hold him and cuddle him and kiss him and he loves it. Its like the more attention the better, so that's why I was so surprised this morning when he tried to kill me.
I guess he didn't really try to "kill" me but he did scratch me. I was totally shocked. It was a morning like any other morning, Bigs came into my room and got my sheets all muddy with his dirty feet and then fell asleep. I came in and saw him looking so cute and started kissing him and then I cradled him in my arms like a baby. This is all very normal. Then I guess Bigs wanted to be let go of and he tried to wiggle free so I let him go because no means no right?
Then I gave him on last pet and he took a swipe and his claw got stuck in the web of my finger. I started to panic, I could feel the bacteria and cat poop seeping into my veins. I freaked out!!!
I thought for sure that me and my baby were going to be infected with this deadly virus disease thingy and then be turned into rage zombies.
I called the phone nurse and left a message. Then I looked at Bigs I asked him "WHY, WHY DID YOU DO THAT I LOVE YOU YOU CRAZY SONOFABITCH WHY YOU TRY TO KILL ME??" he just ignored me and licked his paws and his tail then fell asleep. I went to work and I googled Cat Scratch Disease and then I was really scared. I asked Stu about it he said he had it once when he was 15. Then he looked at my scratch and said he thought I was fine, after all he did work at the Harvard medical newsletter place stuffing envelopes so I know he knows something about medical stuff, I mean it practically makes him a doctor but still I was uneasy. I called Teddydigital at his office and asked him if he thought I had it. He said no and then googled it and sent me a bunch of photos of pugs and a kid with a bad cat scratch on his back. I called him again and he transferred me to this lady in accounting named Cherrie who had a cat when she was pregnant and it scratched her a bunch and her kids are fine so I felt a litttle better but not much. I called his office again later and he answered "Cat scratch fever hot line." I hung up. I asked Eric and then his brother if they thought I had it and they said no but still I was not convinced.
Eventual the phone nurse called me back and told me more than likely that it was OK. So I feel a lot better. But if I turn into a rage zombie or my baby comes out like a rage zombie than I know who to blame (Bigs!!!)

I just knew you loved to hear about poop!!

Thank you to all the awesome people who have been commenting on my blog! I love to know that I am making a difference in the world. And I love to know there are other twisted people who love talking about and laughing about the things that polite and civilized people pretend don't exist.
To answer the lady called Veganmomma....you are right...I don't know why I have a doctor for this pregnancy. Next baby will be with a mid-wife for sure. I think when it came down to it I just figured it made no difference who was going to be in the delivery room with me because I was the one who was going to have to push the baby out of my doughnut. I did not realize what a big deal it was. I do have an awesome Dr and he is really laid back, but all the bulls#$@t that is involved with going the medical route is a total racket and a complete scam. I just figured that my body would just do this thing and the Dr would just be there. But like I said I like my Dr is really nice and his wife is a mid-wife so she is who I will deal with this next time. I also want this veganmomma to tell her kids to call me at my office so I can hear there stories and write about them crapping there cute little pants. They can also just put their stories in the comments and I will promise to check more often.

To the person who wrote the comment in another language that I don't speak: please write the comments in one of the languages I do speak. Thank you.

To the person who said nice head: thanks....I know

and to the lady called Kathy, thanks for your support about rectal exams!! More ladies need to take a stand and say no to strange men putting their hands in our asses!!!!

I have said it before and I will say it again, the people who read this blog ROCK!!

Recomended reading..

Crispy Cats good friend Morgan recently sent us some little gems from a book Little Richard wrote about himself. I was going to put some quotes in here but I think it infringes on copyrite stuff and I don't think Joel feels like getting sued right now. I will re-cap some of the best ones.
He basically describes how he took a crap in a shoebox and gave it to an old lady for her birthday. He also mentions that he "did his manners" meaning took a crap in a jar and then put it in his mothers pantry next to the preserves. Brilliant. If you want more of that action or your just looking for gift ideas for the person who's got it all then I highly recommend that you get the Little Richard autobiography.

On another note Teddydigital and I found out that we are having a girl!!! I would have mentioned that first but I promised myself that I would not turn this into an obnoxious pregnancy blog because we all know that pregnancy blogs are only interesting to other pregnant ladies. But while we are on the topic of pregnancy let me say that I am totally fed up with the whole medical/doctor/hospital thing. Its all insane, fear-based bulls#@t and I am over it. I have half a mind to say F the hospital and when I go into labor just crawl under my porch and give birth in the mulch like a cat or a stray dog. All the doctors are so freaked out about getting sued that they look for any little thing that could be off and then scare the shit out of you and try and get you to do a whole bunch of unnecessary stuff only to find out that you are carrying a totally healthy perfect babe. Anyway that is all I am going to say about that.
So we are totally excited for a little girl and I am totally giving birth under my porch.

Sorry for the confusion.

I think there has been a small mix up. A little confusion as to what a public toilet is and is not. Just in case you were wondering if a store front is a public toilet, let me assure you that it is not. Some terribly confused person decided that it was OK to crap all over the front of Hip Replacements in downtown Asheville. They sprayed the store window and walk-way with diarrhea. Then they left it and went about their business as if if were the norm to crap on the window of a store. Morgan is the gal that owns the store and she called me at work and told me what happened. You know, Morgan is a good person, she doesn't deserve to have to scrape poop off her store, so if you are the person that did that I think you owe her an apology. I mean after all it is the holidays and what you did not only lacks class but it also lacks holiday spirit. You are just a gross person. On the upside, it was really funny when Morgan told me about it and even funnier when she did a demonstration of what the person must have done to get crap that high on the window. The downside like I said is that it lacks holiday spirit. The other upside is that it makes a great story. Another downside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it because its in a covered spot. Another upside is that it is still there because rain can't get to it and now its a whole thing, with everyone waiting to see how long it will stay there. Morgan said kip threw water on it but it didn't help. I suppose that is also a downside, Kip had to attempt to clean it up and apparently it didn't work. Gross.
In conclusion, I think the golden rule to follow when it comes to public restrooms is if you don't see an actual toilet bowl than it is not a bathroom and do not proceed with deification. It is also wise to remember that if you are not sure if a location is a bathroom or not notice if you are in a wide open public place. Most of the time if you are in a public place like the middle of downtown than it is not a bathroom, proceed to a place that has indoor plumbing and 4 walls. Thank You

Look at me

Do you not just love how Stu spiffed up this blog? I love the picture he drew of me. To be totally honest I am not that blond right now, but I asked Stu to make me blond because when I am not pregnant I am blond. Anyway...now the blog looks great before it looked like dog doo.
I have been to many Christmas partys this week and I still have one more to go. I went with my BF April to her party on Sunday and then I escorted Teddydigital to his work party on Monday. I stuffed my face at both events and had a great time doing it. Thursday we have a work party at the Laughing Seed ,which is a very delicious vegetarian restaurant here in Asheville. I already know what I am having.
Just so everyone knows I am the battleship champion. Teddydigital and I went and got the game battleship. You remember the one you played as a kid? Well we went and got it and then I whooped his ass in it all night long!!!!!
Stay tuned for updates on battleship ass whoppings!!

Something smells bad in here.

Oh that something is me. I am what smells so bad in this office. Stu thought it was the rug. He said it smelled musty, but then he realized that it was me. I sit at my desk and fart. I can't help it. They smell so bad because I have developed a new salad that I eat every day at lunch.
Here is the recipe for fart salad.

I can of Garbanzo beans
1/2 can black olives
1/2 green pepper
baby carrots
balsamic vinaigrette

I think its the can of beans. Yeah, I think that is what is making me fart so much because I don't fart in the morning but after lunch and all night I do. All this after I eat the can of beans.
These farts are really bad too. I feel bad for Stu because I thought he was not being affected by the farts but then he told me he was just trying to be a gentleman. He said that is what you do when a lady be fowls the air.
This is what I learned from that remark about how a gentleman ignores a Lady's farts...if you work in an office and you want to punish someone, make the fart salad and then bombs away. They will probably be to polite to mention the horrible smells. If not then that's OK too because they are still being invaded by your ass.
This is not to say I am punishing Stu because we all know I think Stu is aces.
Stu said that I have to buy him a candle to put on his work station because he can't stand it any more. I am willing to do that because I think if he was a detainee in Guantanamo Bay and I was farting like that to get him to give up information it would be considered inhumane torture and somehow violating the Geneva convention.

Tuesdays with Murry

This morning I went to the gym with my friend Mary, who I like to call Murry. The gym was disgusting and uneventful. I did some weights and then I did the elliptical machine. It was no biggie except that for afterwards I was really, really hungry and felt really tired. When I went to the locker room I found a granola bar in my gym bag and I ate it. I felt a little better but not much. Then I took a shower and put my clothes on. I met up with Murry in the lobby where I told her I was dying. She said I should ditch work and we should go eat. I agreed but I didn't think that would go over well at the office so I told her I could not. She then offered to make me a smoothie at her house. I took her up on the offer and we proceeded to go to her place. The reason I am mentioning this smoothie is because it was the best smoothie I have ever had. It was so good that I wish I could eat several more right now. The smoothie was bananas,almond butter and soy milk. Then she used a hand blender and mashed it up and it was perfect. This goes to show that simplicity is the way to go. I have had smoothies at Earthfare that had a million different things in it and they don't come close to how yummy that Murry smoothie was.
Like I said before it was the best smoothie I have ever had.
Thanks Murry, you saved my life. I thought I was going to die but your smoothie saved me and my unborn child. I will name my baby after you. I will name my baby Murry.
If anyone wants more info on this lifesaving and delicious smoothie please contact me.