The mojo was in the mohawk

The following incoherent rant was left in the comments section of this blog space. Even though I probably don't need to note who left it, I will just in case you haven't been keeping up. It was left by the Fig, and oh what a salty little Fig he is.

oh, hey, no worries. just because we go through *a lot* more coffee now, and i haven't been able to make a delicious and nutritious smoothie in weeks, its no cause for alarm. someone is obviously just out to get my prostate. thanks a*ne. (what, i didn't use any real names)okay, so by the way, i think all this animosity toward me from a certain corporate-type community relations officer is due to the fact that i shaved off my mohawk and now she has no hair to straighten at lunch. boo hoo. no prob with the blender thing, though, i have discovered that annes cell phone works well for mashing bananas and strawberries into mush.


Alright, I guess the Fig just got around to reading this blog because he bombarded me with comments yesterday. I can't address them all in one post so I will do them in more manageable chunks.

Since I am a certified Figoligst and have spent numerous hours in the feild studying the Fig I can handle such an intense dose of him, but for one who is untrained this level of Fig could be deadly.
Some people compare my study of the Fig to Jane Goodall's study of the chimps. With all that being said lets get on to the heart of this matter.

Fact #1 The Fig had a mohawk.
Fact #2 Said mohawk was super curly.
Fact #3 The Fig let me flat iron his Mohawk during our lunch break on several occasions.
Fact #4 The Fig was really into the way it looked.

Then one day I come into work and I see the Fig sitting there at our break table drinking his coffee and eating his bagel, all very normal except for the fact that his head was totally bare!!
It was a little startling since I have never seen him in this condition before. He swears I have, but I don't think I would forget it if I had.

I could feel the shift. And the shift felt evil!

It all feels very Melrose Place to me. Perhaps an evil twin. It might be that Fig let a mad scientist do an experiment on him and then the mad scientist invaded his body. It could just be regular old body snatchers. Who knows what it could be, the possibilities are infinite.

I know from scientific evidence that 95% of the Fig's qi (life force) was in that mohawk.
Now that the mohawk is gone, so is the qi.
And this would explain all the strange behavior.

For the record I am not out to get the Fig's prostate (gross).
And I want him to stop using my cell phone for food preparation.

Anyway, this coffee buzz just wore off and with it went my attention span so I will have to finish this story some other time.
That is if the breaks in my car don't fail first..........

Stay tuned for more exciting office adventures.

How to buy CRISPY CAT, this ones for you Gaile!

This is dedicated to Gaile in WA who wants a how to on buying CRISPY CATS.

Step 1 Congratulate yourself on having such great taste in candy bars. You are obviously a person with refined preferences.

Step 2 Figure out which of these fine retailers is closest to you.

-Country Village Nutrition in Longview
-Minkler's Green Earth in Renton
-Radiance Herbs and Massage in Olympia
-Sidecar on the AVE in Seattle
-Smart Nutrition in Turnwater
-Sunshine Nutrition in Kent

Step 3 Decided how to get to this fine retailer i.e Walk, run, ride a bike , ride a pony, take a hang glider, take a cab, hot wire your neighbors car, hitchhike or bum a ride.

Step 4 Go into the store and ask where the CRISPY CATS are located and when they show you make a huge fuss. Act really excited and tell the clerk that you love CRISPY CATS and that you love him/her. Some people like to add a hand clapping jumping up and down thing. I prefer to take a flying leap at the clerk, throw myself onto them and give them a big hug.

Step 5 Either pay the suggested retail price or scream " LOOK, IT"S (insert name of rock star)" and make a break for it. You may want to asses the situation to see which rock star the clerk might be excited to see.
In most health food stores a good " LOOK, IT"S JERRY GARCIA" should do the trick.

Step 6 Unwrap and enjoy, you earned it!

Don't forget you can always order from us direct!!

More Evil Eye Action

Has anyone seen the blades to Fig's blender?

If you have please let him know. He thinks that I have something to do with their disappearance. He said that I 'm out to get him, which is so silly considering he was the one that tried to kill me! He also said that I just want him to drink coffee and get unhealthy. Then he called me a corporate wench! That Fig has some nerve, I have a lot of things to do here at THT besides hide the blades to the blender. All the bathroom breaks alone take up a good 25% of my day.

And as I am writing this the Fig just said to me " Why don't you get rid of your guitar and get a Hello Kitty guitar." I think this is a witch hunt.
I wish I knew where that blade was because I would throw it in the trash, I wouldn't even recycle it TAKE THAT FIG.

Well, I don't care.

Anyway, that's a little office update. Stay tuned for more how To segments. Like how to make someone think your out get them and How to drive someone to the brink of insanity.

How to make a big deal out of nothing.

This is an instructional installment on how to make a big deal out of nothing.
*individual results may vary


First you wait until you are in a bad mood about something that you have no control over. Make sure that what ever is pissing you off is nothing like what you choose to make a big deal over.

Then you have to wait until the opportunity arises for you to start making your stink. A suggestion is to pick something that has a shread of validity, just enough so it's not obvious what you are really doing. It's important to remember that you are risking looking like a total ass so it is best to be sure before you start in. You also run the risk of being called out on it in a public forum so proceed with caution.

Once you know that you are ready to make a big deal out of nothing start slowly. Keep accelerating with hypothetical situations and what ifs. Make sure that the volume of your voice keeps getting louder. This is especially true if you are in a public place and are with people who embarrasses easily.


The next step is to start taking everything personally. Make exaggerated hand gestures and and wave your arms around. You can even mention that your personal rights are being infringed upon. Make sure to mention that no one understands you.

None of this needs to make sense or pertain to the conversation. Don't forget, you are making a big deal out of nothing. Using fowl language and pointing in peoples faces is also effective.

You can drag this out as long as you want, and when you feel you have sufficiently made a big deal out of nothing you can simply end it.

One method of termination is to shout a few insults and run out in a huff slamming the door behind you.
Another popular method is to insult someones mom, and then run out in a huff slamming the door.
You can also break down in tears and sob on the floor while everyone stands around feeling uncomfortable.

No matter what you do your sure to make a point.

If you found this information helpful or you have a success story you want to share with us we would love to know about it.

Good Luck!!!!

What is going on....

This is so crazy! I just wrote a blog about something sort of controversial. Something that could have gotten me into a bit of a pickle. But I was going to do it anyway because thats just the kind of girl I am. I'm just trying to keep it real over here, and last I checked thats not a crime. Or is it?
Because as I was going to post this little gem the computer had some sort of seizure and it disappeared.
What is going on around here? I think I 'm being watched. In fact I know it!

Well don't worry I will find out where that little post got off to and make sure it is up here for the world to see.

Carlos claims to be out of town, but I wonder if it's not some cleaver ruse, a cover story. He pretends to be the one keeping this place from becoming totally corporate but I think he is some kind of double agent. I definitely smell a rat. And in most circumstances that would be OK with me cause I like rats and I think they get a bad rap in general.

By the way mouse and rat traps are really messed up. If you see the kind with the spring that is meant to snap their back just hit it with a stick so it goes off .As for the glue traps that are just as evil, stick a piece of paper on it and throw it away. Another option is to find the hater who set it and put their lips on it and then release it. See how much they like that. What is wrong with people anyway? Is it their tail?? They can't help it! People in the 80's grew a much worse tail with their hair and we didn't go around setting traps to break their backs. If you have a rat or a little mouse and you want him out just get a have a heart and then put a yummy snack in it and when you catch him, just take your little critter to the woods or someplace rodent friendly and set him free. What, you think your so cool all the rats want to chill at your place? No, sorry thats not it, they just got lost and your a slob and leave food laying around so they decided to chow down! It's rude yes, but not a reason to die.

Anyway I have no idea what I am talking about at this point but I do have new inspiration for tomorrows installation. I am going to tell you all about how my pal Michelle had a rat living in her attic and the wild adventure surrounding it.

Until then if anyone sees my blog thingy let me know.

I got so mad I drop kicked a loaf of bread. Deal with it.

I HAVE BEEN CENSORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS FORCED AGAINST MY WILL TO REMOVE THIS STORY!!!!!

MY ARTISTIC INTEGRITY HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!!!!!!!!

I HAVE SAVED THE STORY IN A SECRET FILE AND PRINTED OUT COPIES AND BURIED THEM IN A SECRET LOCATION!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A TOTAL TRAVESTY AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO READ THIS STORY LET ME KNOW AND I WILL SEND YOU A COPY, OR I CAN ACT IT OUT FOR YOU, I MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO ADAPT IT INTO A PUPPET SHOW. I AM ALSO WORKING ON A MUSICAL SCORE TO TURN IT INTO A BROADWAY HIT!

The Fig strikes back

Today an evil plot to end my life was foiled.
A certain person who works in the warehouse apparently wants me dead.

I won't use his real name, but some folk's call him Fig. I call him a diabolical genius.
Maybe it was all the questions I ask him, or all my annoying requests to change the cartridge in the printer, when we both know I know how to do it. It might have been any number of things, I could speculate all day.

So above my "office" is a storage loft. The Fig decided to do some rearranging of boxes. He piled about a trillion boxes in the loft, stacking them to the sky. All right above my precious and unsuspecting head. Then after this gargantuan effort, he sat back and waited.

What was he waiting for? He was waiting for the freaking ceiling to give and for me to be crushed by an avalanche of boxes. To put it mildily, I would be flattened and smoshed and bloody and dead.

It would certainly look like an unfortunate and unintended accident. Fingers would start pointing and blame would be tossed around and eventually it would probably land on the contractor. He would be publicly shamed and his reputation dragged Thu the mud. All the while the Fig would be enjoying his new question and request free environment. He would have a good laugh as he threw my Martha Stewart cleaning encyclopedia in the recycling bin, thinking himself so clever. After all he was just being pro-active and adhering to good fung shui principals by cleaning up those unsightly boxes.

Luckily, this is not how the story ends.
If you read my last blog you would know all about the evil eye, and how to ward it off. And someone plotting to kill you is definitely the evil eye in action.

The Fig was not able to carry out his plan, someone noticed the buckling ceiling above my desk and intervened.

Anyway, that's what happened in our office today.

Crispy Cat can ward off the evil eye

Do you sometimes feel like someone has put a curse on you?
Well, you might be right.
Millions of people suffer needlessly from the evil eye. The evil eye is the negative vibes people put out, especially when they are jealous. A lot of times they don't even know they are doing it, and you don't even know that your being affected by it. Every culture has ways to deflected and ward off the evil eye. Every thing from hand gestures to wearing a twisted horn as a necklace or burning seeds.
But truthfully who really wants to go Thur a whole rigmarole to protect ones self?

Recent studies now prove that eating at least 1 Crispy Cat per day is as effective at warding off the evil eye as 20 of the the leading Italian hand gestures.

Now that you have all the facts don't you think it's time to start living again?

The chipmunk has left the building

Today is my 31st birthday!!! I have to say that the 2Os's are overrated. So far my 30's are way better!! The people I work with are so great! Joel's daughter made me the best birthday card ever, it's red and glittery and just awesome! And what she wrote on the inside was so cute it made me teary eyed. Not to mention that they are having my guitar fixed as a gift, which is beyond great. That is just the sort of place THT is. Not only do we make kick ass candy bars, but we are kick ass people too. I have never worked in a place where across the board everyone is a pleasure to work with. OK, now on to the meat of this story.....

If you remember a few blogs ago I wrote about the chipmunk drama. His brushes with death and his hard life as a misunderstood rodent. OK well this morning I am driving into work and I get a call from my husband, who by the way I believe is posing as "Teddydigital" and posting remarks,anyway I get a call. Teddydigital is on the line, he informs me that I just got a birthday gift from my cat Mr. Big. At first I was filled with joy and feelings of love and appreciation, how nice of my cat to remember my birthday. Then I remembered that Mr. Big doesn't have a job so where would be get the money for a gift? And I know Teddydigital would not lend him any money because no one in their right mind would lend him money. I mean, he has never worked a day in his life. Anyway, regardless of all this Bigs is a very charming cat and we have lived together his whole life so it would be natural for him to want to give me a present. I can remember when we lived in NYC and Bigs went Thu the bars of my 7Th floor window and was grooming himself on the ledge. I though I was going to puke I was so scared. I had to creep up on him so as not to frighten him and then grabbed him and pulled him back Thu. So anyway, I was driving from the gym to work and Teddydigital calls to tell me that the present Bigs left me was a dead chipmunk at the foot of our bed. Oh. Not really what I expected. I felt sad for a while about the chipmunk but he escaped death twice , I guess it was just his time to go. And really he lived a long and happy life. Sure it had some hard times, yes he had to overcome some stuff but what life is without a few bumps in the road?

To Mr Big, my devoted and handsome cat friend I give a public acknowledgement. It is the thought that counts. I mean, a dead chipmunk is not as good of a surprise as lets say a huge balloon that plays a strange birthday version of "Rappers Delight". For more info on where to get such a balloon you can contact Teddydigital.

Anyway I will be constructing an experimental birthday cake out Crispy Cats and a gluten-free and vegan version of Fluff. I forget the name of it, we used it to make the marshmallow bar back in the day. Stay tuned for updates on that and a picture with a step by step how to.

A Crispy Cat and a dog walk into a bar.......

What are two things that we all love?
Crispy Cat candy bars and our companion animals!
So that is why you should never leave either in the car during the summer months, or anytime it is hot outside.

A lot of times it is all very innocent. You think to yourself that your pup has been at home all day and now you just get in and have to run an errand. And your pup is giving you a major guilt trip, they don't call em' "puppy dog eyes" for nothing. So you feel bad and you want to be a good person so you give in and tell your friend to hop in. You might think to yourself that your just running in to the store for a few minuets and it's not too hot so your dog will be fine. Wrong.
Sometimes we intend to go in for a minute and we don't expect the long line caused by the person paying for groceries with change, or we run into a friend who wants to have a chat. And before we know it Fido is roasting like a little chicken on a rotisserie! Sad image I know, but it's true.

The facts are that even a car that has the windows cracked and is in the shade can become an unintended chamber of cruelty. Most people who leave their dog in the car are not trying to hurt their friend, they just don't know. If you want to read all the studies in depth go to mydogiscool.com and they can give you the skinny on pups in cars. Trust me there have been many times I have gotten the sad face and wanted to take one of my dogs along for a ride, but I resist if it is even remotely warm. I would never risk the safety of my dogs to soothe my own guilt . I know they would rather be laying on the couch and sneaking off to the cat box for a little forbidden snack then suffering in a parking lot .

The same goes for your Crispy Cat.
Even though they no longer need refrigeration, no candy bar can withstand the sweltering heat of your glove box, or your dash board. If a candy bar could withstand those temperatures I would be hesitant to ingest it because what sort of crap would you have to put in it to make it flame retardant? I like the Crispy Cats best in the freezer for summer months. I also like to chop them up and add them to a smoothie. Sometimes I take one and let it get really warm and then stick crushed up pretzels all over it, and then I freeze it. Anyway if you want to tell us what you do with your candy bar we are into hearing it.

Stay tuned for the super fan of the month award!
The prestigious title will go to one lucky person per month and they will get their picture on our website along with a little bio and of course cash and prizes. Maybe not cash, but definitely prizes.

Backyard drama!

As promised I will now tell the story of what I witnessed in my backyard.

Warning: This is a sad story.

I want to start out by saying how much I love animals. I love them so much some people have said my love is borderline mental illness. By the way I think that is ridiculous. People are obsessed with football and their kids and NASCAR so really I think if you look at the big picture anyone can clearly see which love is truly the mark of mental illness. I mean, I will be honest, I think if my golden retriever was the president of this country things would be a lot different. First off he is really smart. Smarter than most of the people I know, actually. He is really kind, except when it comes to squires and Red breasted robins, he tends to want to eat them. He is also very handsome. He has a face you can trust. Anyway, this story is not about him. But later I will tell the tale of how the in-house psychic also known as Carlos, told me what my dog's real name is, the name that he would want for himself. I decided not to impose my will on my dog and let him have the name he wants. Anyway........

So I am in my backyard watching my 3 dogs run around and marveling at how cute they are. When all of a sudden the neighbor dog starts freaking out and barking like crazy. So I look over the fence and see him at the bottom of the tree looking up. I look up and I see a chipmunk running up the trunk of the tree. At first I am so happy that the chipmunk got away from the neighbor dog and is safely in the tree. Then I see a blue jay, by the way a blue jay would make a terrible president. Blue Jays are like a certain vice president that shall remain nameless.
OK, so the blue jay sees the chipmunk and starts to peck the crap out of him!!! And the poor little guy fell out of the tree into the bushes! I was so scared that the neighbor dog was going to eat him but then he jumped back up into the tree and started to make a break for it. He was racing up the trunk to a branch when the blue jay saw him and began peppering him with strikes. This was blowing my mind. I have never seen a bird attack another animal before. I heard a rumor once that a blue jay pecked the head of cat that was messing with it, but really that seemed far fetched to me. I thought no bird would have the guts to mess with the domestic house cat, the very animal responsible for making regular little birds almost an endangered species. So the little chipmunk was determined to hang on, he keep trying to run even with that bird pecking the crap out of him. He fell once more, jumped back in once again and was dive bombed by the blue jay. But he was a strong little guy and he endured the pecks until he made it to a branch and jumped away.

Later in the week I saw my cat running with something in his mouth. I thought it was a bird that he may have done something bad to. As he went to jump the fence he dropped what he was holding. It was a chipmunk! But he was alive!! And unharmed, and he started running like hell!!! I was so excited!! I cheered the chipmunk on as he dashed Thu my yard, dodged one of my smaller dogs and raced out to freedom, flying off the stone wall into the bushes.

Was this the same chipmunk? Dose this chipmunk have some sort of funky karmic debt? I know that I have never seen a chipmunk in my neighborhood before and in 1 week I had 2 sightings of some close brushes with death. Perhaps we can all learn something from our rodent friend. Something about perseverance maybe? Or something about the benefits of taking up a running practice so you can run away from predators? Or maybe it's that you can only get so far in the world by being cute and fluffy. I don't know. It could be a lesson in perspective and relativity. Meaning, to me my cat is a sweet,loving ball of goodness, but to a chipmunk he is a roving death machine. Or it could be that I have had too much coffee and should get back to my work instead of pontificating on chipmunks and my cat Mr. Big.