Tuesday, September 25, 2007
So there will be no new blogs until then, unless I get to a computer while I am on the road. Call Ari and tell him to buy me a lap top. Just call him and bother him I do it all the time. Ari is the CFO of this place so if you need a loan or a ride to work or something just give him a call.
He also looks a lot like Joel, just with out the tattoos. So, sometimes it's confusing, especially if my bangs have fallen in my face or something and I am seeing him out of the corner of my eye.
My point is that he is the money person around here so if you feel outraged about the fact that I can't do my blog, than don't come cryin' to me, call Ari.
Anyway, bye, I 'll miss you.
If my dogs are reading this then Inky, Petunia and Otto I will miss you guys and I love you!!
If my cats are reading this then Mr. Big I will miss you and I love you.
If my husband is reading this than Teddydigital I will miss you and I love you.
And if Bob the neighbor cat is reading this than Bob I will miss you and I love you.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Whilst waiting in line , a practice that Mary hates, she learned something new.
A small girl was thirsty and wanting her mother to buy her a bottle of water. The little girl said "Mommy, I want a bottle of water" and the mommy said " Oh, you mean earth juice? You want mommy to get you a bottle of earth juice?" Mary was aghast. The incident was described as embarrassing and uncomfortable, and what falls into the category, according to Mary as line hijinkss. I was intrigued, what I wondered is line hijinkss? Line hijinkss are all the things that people do while waiting in line that are inconvenient and/or annoying and obnoxious to others. I have been guilty of line hijinks many, many times. Some of my biggest offenses have been....
- Paying for things in change and taking a long time to count my pennies
- Spacing out on a long line instead of figuring out what I want to order and then debating out loud what I should get.
- Having a tickle fight with Teddydigital and encroaching on the space of others.
- Dropping my bag and having the contents spill all over the floor, usually reveling personal items that make others uncomfortable; such as but not limited too, pamphlets on chronic constipation and personal lubricants
- Starting up conversations with strangers just to pass time, usually when its obviously they don't want to forge a new friendship.
Those are the line hijinks's I have been guilty of and will admit to. One line hijink that is totally unforgivable is the person that stands in a line and just farts. Just farts and acts like they have no idea that a horrible smell is invading everyones face and making them want to simultaneously puke and punch someone.
If you have other forms of line hijinks that you would like to contribute please let me know.
Monday, September 17, 2007
This part is for the squirrels......
We all need to do our part in road safety, even you squirrels. Yes you're cute and fuzzy and funny to watch but there is nothing funny about how you cross the street. So I have outlined some safety tips that should help ensure that you live another day or at least a few more hours.
1. This is the simplest rule but most often the most forgotten LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS. I see squirrels just running all willy nilly into the street and then trying to abort the mission when cars are racing towards them bring me to #2
2. Once you have made the decision to cross, stick with it and follow Thu until completion. After you have looked both ways and seen that the coast is clear just go for it. Thus avoiding all the zig zaging all over the place and we all know what zig zaging leads to.
3. Don't try to cross to a place that is uncrossable. Meaning if you see that on I-240 w there is a huge concrete divider that is 4 feet high and you have to run and then leap on to it to avoid the rush hour traffic then be smart and don't do it.
4. Most importantly use your tiny head. Being cute can get you only so far in this world. I have done 2 squirrel rescue missions because of flippant road crossing antics. All accidents that could have been avoided. By the way I was not the one that injured the squires with my car I was the one that witnessed the crime and then intervened and took the squirrel with the broken leg to Dr. Pablo's office.
This is for the operators of motor vehicle
1. Stop being so selfish and thinking that animals have no business in the road. We have invaded their would and put are cars and roads and bulls*#@t in their home and then we run
2. Pay attention when you see an animal lingering on the side of the road, squires are impulsive and make rash choices they are known for racing out, its your job to notice and slow down.
3. If you do hit a squirrel with your car then you need to get out and check to see if you need to take him/her to the vet. Don't be so cheep, its your fault for being a part of the most greedy species of animals on the planet, totally encroaching on all other animals territory and then coping an attitude when inconvenienced by other beings.
4. Be nice and toss nuts out your car window in heavily populated squirrel areas. its the least you can do.
Friday, September 14, 2007
So this morning I go on to her site just to check it out and I was shocked to see that there was a contest, a blogging contest, and I was not included!!!!!!!!!!
The contest was the thinkers blog, something about thinking, I'm not sure if it was blogs that make you think or people who are serious thinkers writing blogs. Either way I think I fall into both categories and should have been nominated and then won!
You might be saying, whoa Ann, slow your roll there are a lot of good blogs out there what makes you so special? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I laugh a lot when I write this blog and then when I re-read it I think its pretty funny AND I also cover some intense topics that make people think too. Such as, animal rights and incontinence and vegetarianism and a lot of very helpful how to pieces I also deal with family and marital issues and conflict resolution. That is just a few the list goes on and on and I have to make some sales calls so I can't write the whole thing OK!
Perhaps I need to make up an award and then award it to myself. This is inspiring me. I am officially inspired.
Stay tuned for my awards ceremony where I will be presenting myself with a VERY prestigious award!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
A book report by Ann Sweeney
Written by: Two skinny bitches Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin
I will say that I support the ideas in this book for the most part. I have a feeling that most of the people who read this book are already skinny bitches. As evidenced by pictures of Posh Spice holding it. By the way, Posh is so thin that she can literally fax herself places and for the record being that skinny doesn't look good and it certainly doesn't look healthy. It actually has an age accelerating effect where women who might look beautiful otherwise has starved themselves into looking like skelator. Anyway that has nothing to do with the book. The book is basically about veganism. Underneath all the insults and shaming is the basic message of a vegan diet. I guess if they called their book Vegan Bitch it might not have been so popular. Personally, being called names has never motivated me to change but if that works for some people than I think its great. I can't argue with anything they say in the book and I stand behind their beliefs. I liked how they added all the stories about what happens in the slaughterhouses. It's important for people to know how they got that big, nasty, fat laden burger and all the suffering that was a result of their choices. Good for you skinny bitches! They out line some really good menu ideas that are helpful and give a ton of lists with a lot of really good products, including Crispy Cat!
A part of me liked all the insults and name calling. It was fun.
Let me break this down for you....
Skinny Bitch, good book about veganism disguised cleverly so that L.A. women who could care less about animals but hate being fat will by it.
Hopefully people will read the stories about the animal suffering and will feel moved to make a change.
While I was writing this Stu came over and told me about something called pug bowling and I started freaking our thinking people were hurting pugs, I could just picture some ignoramus sliding a pug down a bowling lane and it getting its chubby little body stuck in that machine that picks up the pins and resets them. Luckily it was nothing of the sort! I investigated and it was something lame but not hurting any pugs. I love me some pugs and if anyone tries to hurt one they will get their ass kicked. That rule applies to all dog breads and cats too, actually any animal for that matter.
Ok so I hope people will read this book and think about making some changes, not just so they can be skinny but so they can stop sucking.
Just eat a Crispy Cat and be happy.
I think they should consider calling the book Vegan Betch, deal with it!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Now lets get down to business. Since putting it out there for people to give me stories about slacksadents I have gathered some really funny stories. Especially from Stu or graphics guy and from Mary and from really everyone els I mention it to. Apparently a lot of people have had experience with crapping their pants and have no qualms talking about it. And every time I retell one of these stories people are laughing so hard they're crying and then suddenly remember "this time when...." and so on and so forth. The circle keeps getting bigger and I feel like I am really providing a much needed safe place for these great stories that previously people have not had an outlet for. It has been unacceptable to discuss bowel malfunctions or loose stool that came unexpectedly, until now. But here is my question....I don't want this blog to take a turn for the worse and become something ill. I only want to go forward with this project if it is what the people want. You must comment and let me know if you want to hear all these wonderful stories. If not that's OK, perhaps you have reached your poop limit and you thought it was funny and now its gross. Or perhaps you think its always funny and you want more. I don't know so I'm asking you. I know that its funny to me and since no one is commenting on this blog I might just be writing for myself anyway and that's OK too because I laugh my ass off when I 'm writing those stories.
By the way, scatological humor is totally legit so don't feel like your a dumb ass for liking it.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
This man. who shall remain nameless was on a train traveling to see a friend. During his travels he got a little peckish and needed a snack. Since he was in a hurry he was forced to get a snack from a vending machine in the train station. This person is normally a label reader and tries his best to pick healthy snacks but on this particular day he didn't. So he makes his selection, thinking he was just getting a regular bag of chips. He eats the chips and forgets all about it.
Our friend finally arrives at his distention around 2 hours after he ate the "chips" and is standing in his friends apartment about to make a phone call. As he waiting for the person to pick up on the other end he had a sudden and totally shocking turn of events......in his pants!!!!!
He totally crapped his pants, and he didn't even see it coming! He was so disturbed by this slacksadent that he racked his brain trying to figure out what it could have been that would have caused him to have a total breakdown in his bowel system. Somewhere along the line some thing malfunctioned and the signal that tells a grown man to go to the bathroom was disengaged, hence the unfortunate dropping of an ass bomb. So, this guy goes Thur his bag and finds the culprit. It was the bag of seemingly innocent and unassuming chips he had consumed several hours earlier, they were filled with the substance known as Olestra. It is a widely known fact that Olestra can cause "anal leakage or an oily discharge from the anus." Those are the words on the package and those were the experiences of our friend who suddenly found himself with soiled pants.
Just like that he went from a normal adult who is potty trained to an incontinent man in need of a diaper. In 2 minuets, the time it took to inhale those chips , his dignity was gone.
I can tell you this, you will never have anal leakage or an oily discharge from eating a Crispy Cat Candy Bar. No, never, in fact are label states that our product will not cause any oily discharges and your anus is guaranteed not to leak or your money back guaranteed.
There are not a lot of guarantee in life and very few things are certain but one of them is that anything that causes your ass to leak is definitely not good for you and the other is that vegan, gluten-free and kosher Crispy Cats are the sane choice when it comes to snacking, because after all we care about our costumers and even though it makes for good stories we don't want anyone to crap their pants because of something they ate.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
There were tons and tons of chickens in tiny wire cages and the cages were so small the chickens could 'nt even sit up, they were all hunched over and cramped. All I could think about when I saw that horrible truck of impending suffering and doom was what about the poor chickens in the middle? How do they even breath? So depressing and so cruel.
Upon seeing my distress Teddydigital tryed to cheer me up by say that perhaps the chickens were going off to a chicken sanctuary somewhere, that hippies from Asheville rescued them and were taking them someplace nice. I added that yes maybe the chicken liberation front had a hand in it and it was just some of the many chickens that had be rescued.
Of course we all know that's not true. They went someplace bad.
If you could have seen their little faces....I can't even stand remembering there little white fluffy bodies all smooshed into those cages. It was like the people who put them in there didn't know they were animals.
I know this is a sad post and tomorrow it will be funny again. Somethings are just not funny, and the chicken truck is one of them.