I am ashamed to say that I recently did something very mean to my cat Mr. Big and my dog Inky.
I know, you're wondering how an animal lover like me could commit an act of animal cruelty to her precious and beloved pets. I am the person who made phone calls to the NFL demanding they sack Michael Vick and called Nike and said I would throw away all my Nike stuff if they didn't boot him . So what would make a person like me do something heinous to an animal?
*Don't freak out I didn't actually abuse my animals*
Here's how good things turn into bad things. I was shopping at a large department store with my good friend April. We were just picking up crap we didn't need and wasting our youth. I wanted to get one of those self watering things for my cats, the kind that has a big bottle on top and water just flows out as needed. Recently I have taken on the duty of caring for a 17 year old cat. Bob is a neighborhood cat that decided he liked the way Teddydigital and I kick it so he moved in. Actually, he was first living with the people who lived in our house before us and when they moved they gave Bob to the neighbor man. Then the neighbor man's girlfriend moved in with her two cats and those cats decided they didn't like Bob so they beat him up until Bob said *eff it* and split. The neighbor lady and the neighbor man both felt bad but since there was nothing they could do about the fact that Bob would not live there, they had to accept it. Personally I love Bob. He has a crazy story and he looks like the crypt keeper. When he was a kitten, a dog attacked him and bit off his tail and most of his ears, hence the name Bob. He's also deaf and a little on the scrawny side and his hair is falling out. But he loves Teddydigital and he loves me and our three dogs and our cat Mr.Big, so I say *the more the crazier*! Anyway, the point is, this neighbor lady said the vet said Bob needs more water and since Bob is a picky- pants, I wanted to make sure he had a clean source to sip from.
As I was picking out the new water system I see the most wonderful and evil thing ever. This is where the animal abuse comes into play; it was something called "The cat hat". It was a little hat meant for your cat. It has an elephant on it and it straps under the chin. So cute, so funny and so cruel. Cats are prideful creatures and an elephant hat that straps under the chin is the last thing they would ever don. But the cat in the picture looked so happy to be wearing it, I decided that Mr.Big would be embarrassed to wear it but Petunia probably wouldn't care. After all she is just a little butterball of cuteness and loves to wear clothes. Not really, but she looks super cute in them.
My intentions were the best, but then when I got home I realized that Petunia's head was too fat for the cat hat. So I looked to Inky. It was risky because Inky is not messing around and has no problem giving me a nip. He's old and grumpy but his head is so tiny and perfect for the cat hat. I was right too. It looked so cute and funny and I laughed and laughed. Inky didn't hate it but I wouldn't say he loved it . He tolerated it and then after I stopped hugging him and laughing he shook it off. I should have stopped there. I should have been happy with seeing it on the dog, but I wasn't. I was like a cat hat junkie. I needed to see it on more animals. I looked for Mr. Big but he was no where to be found. I saw Bob but he's too old for the cat hat and I just couldn't bear to do it to him. I waited until Mr. Big came home for his supper and after he ate and came over to me for some pets, I stuck the cat hat on him. Oh how precious it looked indeed! I carried a pissed off Mr. Big to Teddydigital to show him the cat hat. Mr. Big was laying sort of limp in my arms. That's normal for him. He's really long and lean and I had never known that to be a pre-attack stance before. Teddydigital thought the cat hat was evil and embarrassing and made me take it off Bigs, and as soon as I did, Bigs gave me a bite on the hand. I must have deserved it because he never bites and has a great temperament. But he didn't stop with just a bite. He jumped on a chair and started swiping at Inky who was standing by and then looked at me and tried to swipe me as well. He was enraged at being made to wear that cat hat! I kept trying to say sorry by petting him but he wasn't in the mood to accept my apology. I felt really bad. How could I humiliate my cat like that? He's so good and loving and I betrayed him by making him wear a cat hat. Damn that cat hat!
Let this be a warning: Don't buy the cat hat no matter how cute you think your cat might look in it. Your cat will hate it and you will feel like the worst person ever for making them wear it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
The tomato bombing.
I need to tell the world what happened in our office today at Tree Huggin' Treats!!!
It was so funny, I'm still laughing. I think I'm going to wet myself. I can't stop laughing.
Ok, I'm composing myself.
So, Leila brought in tomatoes from her backyard last week. Some of the tomatoes were a little soft and then they sat here all weekend. So, come Monday morning, they were just begging to be chucked at someone.
Eric decided to chuck a few of the cherry tomatoes at me early on in the day. So I, in turn, chucked a few back. In the end I had cherry tomatoes all over the back of my shirt and on the walls of my office. Fine.
Later on.....
At lunch time, Eric announced that today was the day he was going to be able to hit the pole out back with one of the tomatoes. For months he has been trying to hit the pole out back with various pieces of rotten fruit. He never makes the shot but he never gives up either. It's a hard shot because it's off the loading dock and the pole is on an angle. But mostly he just has bad aim.
So we go out to the loading dock. Eric had four rotten tomatoes and I'm armed with one extra squishy tomato. While Eric warms up his arm, I warm up mine. While he figures out where to throw, I do likewise. Eric takes a deep breath and lets the first tomato go. He misses. He actually missed the first three and then on the fourth makes contact and the rotten tomato explodes on the pole. We cheer and jump up and down. Now it's my turn, as Eric is jumping up and down, arms raised in a victory dance, I take my shot. Timing is everything and I know once I throw it I have to run. I meant to hit him in the back, but I missed and ended up hitting him in the back of his head! It was glorious!! When the tomato hit, it splatted and stuck to his head before it fell off. His hair was encrusted with seeds and pulp. I swear I saw little stars going around his head and heard birds chirping. He lurched forward and paused as if in denial about the tomato bombing he had just been the victim of. I knew I didn't have much time. I would have to save laughing for later, so I booked out of there.
I fled the scene and ran into the warehouse. I thought he would have the remains of the tomatoes, so I ran to The Fig's desk and ducked behind his chair. The Fig was like " I don't know what you're doing but get away from my desk!" (such a grump).
To my surprise, Eric was not brandishing the remains of the tomato. So I just started laughing and laughing and laughing. And I have been laughing ever since and that was about an hour ago. It was hands down the funniest thing that has ever happened in this office!! I wish I had it on film so I could share it with everyone.
If a person was depressed and on top of a building ready to jump, all you would have to do was show them a video of me beaming Eric in the head with a tomato and they would come down from the ledge. I'm considering going around to mental hospitals and telling depressed people this story. I think I may have just found the cure for depression. All over the world people in hospitals suffering from depression will be given rotten tomatoes to chuck at someone's head. The results will be amazing. This is what they must mean by the food-mood connection.
I know Eric is planning his revenge and I'm sure I will hate whatever it is, but for now I don't even care. I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing. I recommend that everyone throw a rotten tomato at their manager. If you don't have a manager just come over to our office and you can throw one at Eric.
It was so funny, I'm still laughing. I think I'm going to wet myself. I can't stop laughing.
Ok, I'm composing myself.
So, Leila brought in tomatoes from her backyard last week. Some of the tomatoes were a little soft and then they sat here all weekend. So, come Monday morning, they were just begging to be chucked at someone.
Eric decided to chuck a few of the cherry tomatoes at me early on in the day. So I, in turn, chucked a few back. In the end I had cherry tomatoes all over the back of my shirt and on the walls of my office. Fine.
Later on.....
At lunch time, Eric announced that today was the day he was going to be able to hit the pole out back with one of the tomatoes. For months he has been trying to hit the pole out back with various pieces of rotten fruit. He never makes the shot but he never gives up either. It's a hard shot because it's off the loading dock and the pole is on an angle. But mostly he just has bad aim.
So we go out to the loading dock. Eric had four rotten tomatoes and I'm armed with one extra squishy tomato. While Eric warms up his arm, I warm up mine. While he figures out where to throw, I do likewise. Eric takes a deep breath and lets the first tomato go. He misses. He actually missed the first three and then on the fourth makes contact and the rotten tomato explodes on the pole. We cheer and jump up and down. Now it's my turn, as Eric is jumping up and down, arms raised in a victory dance, I take my shot. Timing is everything and I know once I throw it I have to run. I meant to hit him in the back, but I missed and ended up hitting him in the back of his head! It was glorious!! When the tomato hit, it splatted and stuck to his head before it fell off. His hair was encrusted with seeds and pulp. I swear I saw little stars going around his head and heard birds chirping. He lurched forward and paused as if in denial about the tomato bombing he had just been the victim of. I knew I didn't have much time. I would have to save laughing for later, so I booked out of there.
I fled the scene and ran into the warehouse. I thought he would have the remains of the tomatoes, so I ran to The Fig's desk and ducked behind his chair. The Fig was like " I don't know what you're doing but get away from my desk!" (such a grump).
To my surprise, Eric was not brandishing the remains of the tomato. So I just started laughing and laughing and laughing. And I have been laughing ever since and that was about an hour ago. It was hands down the funniest thing that has ever happened in this office!! I wish I had it on film so I could share it with everyone.
If a person was depressed and on top of a building ready to jump, all you would have to do was show them a video of me beaming Eric in the head with a tomato and they would come down from the ledge. I'm considering going around to mental hospitals and telling depressed people this story. I think I may have just found the cure for depression. All over the world people in hospitals suffering from depression will be given rotten tomatoes to chuck at someone's head. The results will be amazing. This is what they must mean by the food-mood connection.
I know Eric is planning his revenge and I'm sure I will hate whatever it is, but for now I don't even care. I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing. I recommend that everyone throw a rotten tomato at their manager. If you don't have a manager just come over to our office and you can throw one at Eric.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Punctuation maffioso
For some reason I thought I already posted something today, but it turns out, I'm just having an early onset of Alzheimer's Disease.
I have a new editor, Julie Schantz. My old editor was Eric, but we had too many creative struggles. For example, he thought things should be spelled correctly and I did not. I'm creative with my punctuation and when it comes to pronouns and prepositions, I think outside the box. Of course this is just a cover for my terrible spelling and bad grammar.
Now Julie edits the posts from home and she is doing a fine job. I can never see the spelling errors or punctuation debacles but I've been told they're gone. She's like a spelling hit man. Maybe even a punctuation mob boss, that is, if grammar is capable of organized crime. I would like to put a hit out on grammar!! Send Tony Saprano over to Spelling's house and have him inform Spelling that now I decided how things are spelled. I guess thats probably not going to happen, so its good that Julie is checking the posts.
Julie is really sick today so all my little spelling snafus and grammar mishaps get to live one more day.
I have a new editor, Julie Schantz. My old editor was Eric, but we had too many creative struggles. For example, he thought things should be spelled correctly and I did not. I'm creative with my punctuation and when it comes to pronouns and prepositions, I think outside the box. Of course this is just a cover for my terrible spelling and bad grammar.
Now Julie edits the posts from home and she is doing a fine job. I can never see the spelling errors or punctuation debacles but I've been told they're gone. She's like a spelling hit man. Maybe even a punctuation mob boss, that is, if grammar is capable of organized crime. I would like to put a hit out on grammar!! Send Tony Saprano over to Spelling's house and have him inform Spelling that now I decided how things are spelled. I guess thats probably not going to happen, so its good that Julie is checking the posts.
Julie is really sick today so all my little spelling snafus and grammar mishaps get to live one more day.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
If beating up my father-in-law is wrong then I don't want to be right.
I think my father-in-law (FIL) wants me to kick his ass. No, I really do think that. You might be wondering why a 65 year old man would want his ass kicked by a spry little elf like me. No, my FIL isn't some weird kinky dude. Get your mind out of the gutter! But he is a man that loves to make jokes. Oh yes he is a jokester to the max. My precious FIL loves to push the proverbial envelope. He is a master of the joke that is borderline inappropriate and that most folks would steer clear of. This is something that we have in common. I also enjoy making jokes that are in poor taste and usually result in someone being mad at me. I should do a *how to* piece on inappropriate jokes. Actually, I think my FIL should do it because he apparently wrote the book on that topic. One of his techniques is remembering events that were traumatic or embarrassing and then reliving them with great verve in front of an audience. I watched him do it and I must say he does have a flair for storytelling. Part of his method is that he laughs hysterically while telling the story and that automatically makes others laugh.
Sometimes he has a one line bomb and in that situation he has a totally different technique.
Instead of being in fits of laughter, practically flopped over to one side, he waits like a lion in the tall grass. I have seen him do this many times so I know it's a specific pattern. Oh he thinks I'm not onto his game but I am! Oh yes I most certainly am Tim Senior!!!
First he waits for the right moment, usually what would be considered bad timing to most.
Then he straightens up and looks at you and with just a hint of a smile he pulls the pin on his joke grenade. Then as you try to run for cover he makes a week attempt to stifle his laughter as he asks "whats wrong?" All the while a guffaw is ready to burst from his lips.
Anyway, I won't repeat his little zinger. Let's just say that it stoked a violent fire in me, hence the pummeling he is about to receive. I give him props for going there, but I think he was feeling brave because he was on the phone with Teddydigital and he didn't have to say it directly to me. The best part is that when I demanded the phone, FIL terminated the call saying he needed to go because he was buying corn.
I will wait. I will be uncharacteristically patient and then I will strike!! Like a cobra, I will strike. I will pounce on him like a weasel pounces on a cobra. Then we will see who is truly the master of the inappropriate joke. With any luck I can convince him to spend Thanksgiving with us and then it will be a fertile battleground for jokes. Speaking of fertile battlegrounds, I've noticed that those with a baby don't have to travel during the holidays. Family members are compelled to travel to wherever the baby is, lest they look like uncaring baby haters. I think I need to speak to Teddydigital about this because the commute to Philly is a bitch.
If you are considering having a baby to avoid holiday travel or you had a baby for that reason, call us! You could be a guest on our show.
Sometimes he has a one line bomb and in that situation he has a totally different technique.
Instead of being in fits of laughter, practically flopped over to one side, he waits like a lion in the tall grass. I have seen him do this many times so I know it's a specific pattern. Oh he thinks I'm not onto his game but I am! Oh yes I most certainly am Tim Senior!!!
First he waits for the right moment, usually what would be considered bad timing to most.
Then he straightens up and looks at you and with just a hint of a smile he pulls the pin on his joke grenade. Then as you try to run for cover he makes a week attempt to stifle his laughter as he asks "whats wrong?" All the while a guffaw is ready to burst from his lips.
Anyway, I won't repeat his little zinger. Let's just say that it stoked a violent fire in me, hence the pummeling he is about to receive. I give him props for going there, but I think he was feeling brave because he was on the phone with Teddydigital and he didn't have to say it directly to me. The best part is that when I demanded the phone, FIL terminated the call saying he needed to go because he was buying corn.
I will wait. I will be uncharacteristically patient and then I will strike!! Like a cobra, I will strike. I will pounce on him like a weasel pounces on a cobra. Then we will see who is truly the master of the inappropriate joke. With any luck I can convince him to spend Thanksgiving with us and then it will be a fertile battleground for jokes. Speaking of fertile battlegrounds, I've noticed that those with a baby don't have to travel during the holidays. Family members are compelled to travel to wherever the baby is, lest they look like uncaring baby haters. I think I need to speak to Teddydigital about this because the commute to Philly is a bitch.
If you are considering having a baby to avoid holiday travel or you had a baby for that reason, call us! You could be a guest on our show.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tips on being trendy and cool.
I was recently informed that all the popular blogs right now are the ones that do tips and lists.
Now, I have done some *how to* pieces, but the cool thing to blog about is "being green" or "simplifying". I guess that's what all the cool kids are doing, so if I want to sit with them at lunch, I better do one too.
I think the first of my new and improved cool and trendy pieces will be tips on simplifying your life.
There are many ways that your life can be cluttered. Clutter can be possessions or committments or even people. The following are tips on how to make more room in your life for the things that really matter. This guide will help you weed out all the unnecessary and cumbersome people, places and things in your life. Enjoy!
Tip#1 First decide what your priorities are and how you would really like to be spending your time and with whom. Figure out where you really want your money to go; how you really want to spend it.
Tip#2 If your goal is to spend more time with loved ones then you should quit your job and insist that those you love quit theirs as well. If you want more time with your kids yank them out of school. If you want more time with your spouse and less time with your kids, send your kids to boarding school.
Tip#3 Eat locally by showing up to friends' houses around dinner time. This is a great way to save money on groceries and also incorporate spending time with loved ones.
Tip#4 Stop paying all bills. This should not be hard after you quit your job. Don't panic and use your savings on your mortgage or other bills. That money is for you, not the man. Remember, this is all about priorities. The mortgage company has tons of other unenlightened saps sending in there payment every month. They don't need yours. Not to mention it takes months to foreclose on a house and even longer to evict someone. As far as utilities go, you have at least 2 months before they shut off your power.
Tip#5 Cars are a huge burden both financially and environmentally. Not to mention the emotional energy that people invest in them. It might be hard to part with your car, so drive it to a part of town that is notorious for being infested with crack heads and leave the car running and doors unlocked while you run an errand. It's a win-win situation. You no longer have to deal with a car and you've helped the needy. You're already becoming a better person.
Tip#6 Get rid of your cell phone. Use pay phones and only make collect calls. If this upsets people just explain to them that you're trying to simplify your life. If they can't get on board and support you then that is a clear indicator that you don't need them cluttering up your life anyway.
Tip#7 Instead of buying clothes or new things ask friends if you can "borrow" something and then just neglect to return it. When they ask for it back tell them that the rule is if you don't use something for 1 year then you should give it away. This is logic that can't be argued.
Tip#8 Start shopping from lost and found boxes. It's best to go where people with style frequent.
Just walk in and say you think you may have left your (fill in item you wish to procure) and ask to be directed to the lost and found. Don't be too specific. For example, don't say you lost your diamond tennis bracelet that your 3rd husband gave you on a trip to Bermuda. Then you won't be able to snag other stuff if there isn't a diamond tennis bracelet in the lost and found.
Be very vague. For example, you could say you may have left your hoodie or your sunglasses or your diabetes testing supplies.
Good luck, I know you can do it!!!
Now, I have done some *how to* pieces, but the cool thing to blog about is "being green" or "simplifying". I guess that's what all the cool kids are doing, so if I want to sit with them at lunch, I better do one too.
I think the first of my new and improved cool and trendy pieces will be tips on simplifying your life.
There are many ways that your life can be cluttered. Clutter can be possessions or committments or even people. The following are tips on how to make more room in your life for the things that really matter. This guide will help you weed out all the unnecessary and cumbersome people, places and things in your life. Enjoy!
Tip#1 First decide what your priorities are and how you would really like to be spending your time and with whom. Figure out where you really want your money to go; how you really want to spend it.
Tip#2 If your goal is to spend more time with loved ones then you should quit your job and insist that those you love quit theirs as well. If you want more time with your kids yank them out of school. If you want more time with your spouse and less time with your kids, send your kids to boarding school.
Tip#3 Eat locally by showing up to friends' houses around dinner time. This is a great way to save money on groceries and also incorporate spending time with loved ones.
Tip#4 Stop paying all bills. This should not be hard after you quit your job. Don't panic and use your savings on your mortgage or other bills. That money is for you, not the man. Remember, this is all about priorities. The mortgage company has tons of other unenlightened saps sending in there payment every month. They don't need yours. Not to mention it takes months to foreclose on a house and even longer to evict someone. As far as utilities go, you have at least 2 months before they shut off your power.
Tip#5 Cars are a huge burden both financially and environmentally. Not to mention the emotional energy that people invest in them. It might be hard to part with your car, so drive it to a part of town that is notorious for being infested with crack heads and leave the car running and doors unlocked while you run an errand. It's a win-win situation. You no longer have to deal with a car and you've helped the needy. You're already becoming a better person.
Tip#6 Get rid of your cell phone. Use pay phones and only make collect calls. If this upsets people just explain to them that you're trying to simplify your life. If they can't get on board and support you then that is a clear indicator that you don't need them cluttering up your life anyway.
Tip#7 Instead of buying clothes or new things ask friends if you can "borrow" something and then just neglect to return it. When they ask for it back tell them that the rule is if you don't use something for 1 year then you should give it away. This is logic that can't be argued.
Tip#8 Start shopping from lost and found boxes. It's best to go where people with style frequent.
Just walk in and say you think you may have left your (fill in item you wish to procure) and ask to be directed to the lost and found. Don't be too specific. For example, don't say you lost your diamond tennis bracelet that your 3rd husband gave you on a trip to Bermuda. Then you won't be able to snag other stuff if there isn't a diamond tennis bracelet in the lost and found.
Be very vague. For example, you could say you may have left your hoodie or your sunglasses or your diabetes testing supplies.
Good luck, I know you can do it!!!
Monday, July 23, 2007
I love you!
Is there anyone out there who wants to buy me a laptop?
Seriously, I need one. I would prefer a Mac Book but I would graciously accept any offering. I think the only reason I want a Mac so bad is because they look so snappy and because Carrie Bradshaw had one on Sex in the City. Maybe if I had a Mac Book, I would become a famous writer and have a cute, rent controlled apartment on the upper west side and spend my days shopping and waxing poetic about boys and shoes. Maybe not. Would the dog poop magically disappear from my backyard if I had a Mac Book? I think so.
All during August I am going to be traveling a ton and so I might not be able to post for all my devoted fans. I just think if you love my blog, and I know you do because I get loads of fan mail, you would want to get me a lap top. Well, just think about it. Mull it over. Perhaps sleep on it or ask a trusted friend what they think.
Studies show that doing something nice for others releases seratonin in the brain.
So, if your brain needs a boost or your karma is sucky, just march yourself down to the store and pick up a Mac Book for me. 'Cause you know I would do it for you if you asked. Well, maybe not, but be the bigger person. Be mature and don't be so tight with your money. Thanks in advance.
You're the best.
Seriously, I need one. I would prefer a Mac Book but I would graciously accept any offering. I think the only reason I want a Mac so bad is because they look so snappy and because Carrie Bradshaw had one on Sex in the City. Maybe if I had a Mac Book, I would become a famous writer and have a cute, rent controlled apartment on the upper west side and spend my days shopping and waxing poetic about boys and shoes. Maybe not. Would the dog poop magically disappear from my backyard if I had a Mac Book? I think so.
All during August I am going to be traveling a ton and so I might not be able to post for all my devoted fans. I just think if you love my blog, and I know you do because I get loads of fan mail, you would want to get me a lap top. Well, just think about it. Mull it over. Perhaps sleep on it or ask a trusted friend what they think.
Studies show that doing something nice for others releases seratonin in the brain.
So, if your brain needs a boost or your karma is sucky, just march yourself down to the store and pick up a Mac Book for me. 'Cause you know I would do it for you if you asked. Well, maybe not, but be the bigger person. Be mature and don't be so tight with your money. Thanks in advance.
You're the best.
Friday, July 20, 2007
We wanted to call em' lifesavers but the name was taken.
Since this is technically the Tree Huggin' Treats' blog I think once in a while it would be appropriate to take a break from my stories and bring you some Crispy Cat info.
So you might be like oh that sucks I was looking forward to wetting my pants again but I think it would be a travesty not to school you in all the ways a Crispy Cat can be utilized in your daily life. I mean really, I know learning is out this season but it must be done.
How to use Crispy Cats to get yourself out of a pickle.
It's pretty basic. If someone is mad at you just hand them a Crispy Cat that you wrote *I'm sorry* on the back of. Works like a charm.
If a cop pulls you over, don't panic. Just hand him a Crispy Cat and wink instead of handing him your license and registration. This works about 2% of the time, so be prepared to hit the gas and book out of there Dukes-of-Hazard style.
If you are rude in Hebrew school or talk during temple, simply give your Rabbi a few Crispy Cats after your Mom stops yelling at you. Crispy Cats are kosher, making them the perfect gift for your favorite Rabbi. If you were really bad then you may have to recite something from the Torah. That's your call.
Let's say you accidentally slip and mention how much you love J-lo's new album in front of someone from P.E.T.A. Don't wait until you're drenched in paint. Just hand them a totally vegan Crispy Cat. Seriously, J-Lo needs to stop with all the fur. If you love her new album, you need paint thrown on you. You've got problems.
Let's say you are going on a date and the person you are going out with has Celiac's Disease. Why not make a bouquet out of Crispy Cats to give her? Flowers are expensive and then they die and rot, but Crispy Cats are totally yummy and won't rot at all! Not to mention they say hey I'm a good listener and I care about your health. Aren't I sensitive?
I hope those pointers are helpful. Try to study and memorize them. I won't be around to help you out so you better hop to it.
So you might be like oh that sucks I was looking forward to wetting my pants again but I think it would be a travesty not to school you in all the ways a Crispy Cat can be utilized in your daily life. I mean really, I know learning is out this season but it must be done.
How to use Crispy Cats to get yourself out of a pickle.
It's pretty basic. If someone is mad at you just hand them a Crispy Cat that you wrote *I'm sorry* on the back of. Works like a charm.
If a cop pulls you over, don't panic. Just hand him a Crispy Cat and wink instead of handing him your license and registration. This works about 2% of the time, so be prepared to hit the gas and book out of there Dukes-of-Hazard style.
If you are rude in Hebrew school or talk during temple, simply give your Rabbi a few Crispy Cats after your Mom stops yelling at you. Crispy Cats are kosher, making them the perfect gift for your favorite Rabbi. If you were really bad then you may have to recite something from the Torah. That's your call.
Let's say you accidentally slip and mention how much you love J-lo's new album in front of someone from P.E.T.A. Don't wait until you're drenched in paint. Just hand them a totally vegan Crispy Cat. Seriously, J-Lo needs to stop with all the fur. If you love her new album, you need paint thrown on you. You've got problems.
Let's say you are going on a date and the person you are going out with has Celiac's Disease. Why not make a bouquet out of Crispy Cats to give her? Flowers are expensive and then they die and rot, but Crispy Cats are totally yummy and won't rot at all! Not to mention they say hey I'm a good listener and I care about your health. Aren't I sensitive?
I hope those pointers are helpful. Try to study and memorize them. I won't be around to help you out so you better hop to it.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Obsession confessions
Obsessions are a part of everyone's life. Right? OK, obsessions are a part of my life.
It's fun to look back on some of my old obsessions and laugh about how silly they are. For example, several years ago I was at work walking down the hall. I see a fellow colleague and he waves. In an attempt for him to see my reciprocated wave(because I was far away) I shot my hand in the air and keep it there as I walked. Then I had a horrible thought . What if he thought I was doing a Nazi salute and he thought I was a neo-Nazi. The thought plagued me all day and after work I stopped by my mother's house to show her the wave and see what she thought. My mother has years of experience with my neurotic questions and so she is not freaked out by me asking her if my wave looks like a Nazi salute. To some it would be a bizarre question and cause for alarm, but for my mom it's the norm. Just as some women when they were young perhaps turned to their mothers and asked about boys or bras, I asked my mother if she thought I had AIDS. The conversation would go something like this.
"Mom, do you think I have AIDS?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"But how do you know?"
"I guess I don't know. Do you think you've done something to catch it?"
(I have a few moments of internal chaos)
"Well, I had an AIDS test and it said I didn't have it."
"Then you don't have it."
"Yes, but it can hide out in your body for a long time."
"Oh Ann, really, just stop you don't have AIDS"
"If I do, then I guess I will have to just tour around going to high schools doing lectures and stuff maybe right a book about it. I can buy a camper."
"That sounds nice. Looks like you have a good plan."
"So are you saying you think I have AIDS?"
Anyway I reviewed the wave with my mother and asked her what it looked like to her. She thought it looked like I was trying to hail a cab or catch the bus. She definitely didn't think it looked like I was giving a Nazi salute. The conversation went like this.
"OK. what does this look like." (I replicated the wave)
"Um, like your hailing a cab."
"Do you think it looks like a Nazi salute?"
"No."
"Are you sure because I waved like that to someone at work and now I'm worried that he thinks I'm a Nazi."
"Oh Ann, really! I'm sure no one who knows you would think that."
"So are you saying a person who doesn't know me might think that I was giving a Nazi salute if they saw that wave?"
"That's enough."
"OK. Do you think I have AIDS?"
Now that I think about it I think my mother should get some sort of award.
I think I will give her the Crispy Cat award. The world's first organic Award. Not to mention the only award that is vegan, kosher and gluten-free. ( They made me write that)
It's fun to look back on some of my old obsessions and laugh about how silly they are. For example, several years ago I was at work walking down the hall. I see a fellow colleague and he waves. In an attempt for him to see my reciprocated wave(because I was far away) I shot my hand in the air and keep it there as I walked. Then I had a horrible thought . What if he thought I was doing a Nazi salute and he thought I was a neo-Nazi. The thought plagued me all day and after work I stopped by my mother's house to show her the wave and see what she thought. My mother has years of experience with my neurotic questions and so she is not freaked out by me asking her if my wave looks like a Nazi salute. To some it would be a bizarre question and cause for alarm, but for my mom it's the norm. Just as some women when they were young perhaps turned to their mothers and asked about boys or bras, I asked my mother if she thought I had AIDS. The conversation would go something like this.
"Mom, do you think I have AIDS?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"But how do you know?"
"I guess I don't know. Do you think you've done something to catch it?"
(I have a few moments of internal chaos)
"Well, I had an AIDS test and it said I didn't have it."
"Then you don't have it."
"Yes, but it can hide out in your body for a long time."
"Oh Ann, really, just stop you don't have AIDS"
"If I do, then I guess I will have to just tour around going to high schools doing lectures and stuff maybe right a book about it. I can buy a camper."
"That sounds nice. Looks like you have a good plan."
"So are you saying you think I have AIDS?"
Anyway I reviewed the wave with my mother and asked her what it looked like to her. She thought it looked like I was trying to hail a cab or catch the bus. She definitely didn't think it looked like I was giving a Nazi salute. The conversation went like this.
"OK. what does this look like." (I replicated the wave)
"Um, like your hailing a cab."
"Do you think it looks like a Nazi salute?"
"No."
"Are you sure because I waved like that to someone at work and now I'm worried that he thinks I'm a Nazi."
"Oh Ann, really! I'm sure no one who knows you would think that."
"So are you saying a person who doesn't know me might think that I was giving a Nazi salute if they saw that wave?"
"That's enough."
"OK. Do you think I have AIDS?"
Now that I think about it I think my mother should get some sort of award.
I think I will give her the Crispy Cat award. The world's first organic Award. Not to mention the only award that is vegan, kosher and gluten-free. ( They made me write that)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
You're a mean one Mr.Vick
I have been deeply disturbed over the Michael Vick dog fighting situation. I don't want to spread more sadness but with all the new info coming out about his evil and unspeakable acts I felt a poem was in order. In honor of all the dogs that died at his hands lets all donate either our time or supplies to our local animal shelters.
Michael Vick you are a dick
The people voted
and it's official
we want to send you to Iraq strapped to a missile.
Don't worry we would never do it
the people of Iraq have enough to worry about
If I had to choose between Michael Vick and Charles Manson
who would I choose?
Charles Manson, yes Mr. Manson is more appealing
I would rather have a slumber party with Charles Manson
and the Zodiac killer
and Ted Bundy
than spend 5 minutes with Michael Dick
Dogs give unconditional love
they are devoted friends
they don't desert you in times of need
they are better than people in that respect.
It takes a special person to stay with you during hard times
but to a dog
it's no big deal.
They always stay the course
and you don't have to pay them
or buy them cars
or houses
dogs don't care about bling
everyone knows that
I wonder if Mr. Vick has anyone in his life
who will be standing by his side
when he is no longer a big shot football player?
When the NFL disposes of him like trash
and he can't find work
because it is widely known he is a sociopath.
Maybe then he will see how fickle humans are
and how the heart of a dog is precious and loyal
always steady
always your number 1 fan
The wonderful thing about the universe
is the indisputable fact that no one
not even over paid athletes
can escape karma
I think instead of jail
they should toss Mr. Vick into the Georgia Dome
with 3 or 4 grumpy lions
Perhaps it would be more painful
to make Mr.Vick donate all his money
and cars
and houses
and bling
to a pit bull rescue league
and then make him clean kennels
with supervision at all the animal shelters across the country
what else will he have to do when he gets out of prison?
I'm praying for your vile soul.
Cause your gonna need it
According to the news
Saddam Hussein is more likable than you.
Michael Vick you are a dick
The people voted
and it's official
we want to send you to Iraq strapped to a missile.
Don't worry we would never do it
the people of Iraq have enough to worry about
If I had to choose between Michael Vick and Charles Manson
who would I choose?
Charles Manson, yes Mr. Manson is more appealing
I would rather have a slumber party with Charles Manson
and the Zodiac killer
and Ted Bundy
than spend 5 minutes with Michael Dick
Dogs give unconditional love
they are devoted friends
they don't desert you in times of need
they are better than people in that respect.
It takes a special person to stay with you during hard times
but to a dog
it's no big deal.
They always stay the course
and you don't have to pay them
or buy them cars
or houses
dogs don't care about bling
everyone knows that
I wonder if Mr. Vick has anyone in his life
who will be standing by his side
when he is no longer a big shot football player?
When the NFL disposes of him like trash
and he can't find work
because it is widely known he is a sociopath.
Maybe then he will see how fickle humans are
and how the heart of a dog is precious and loyal
always steady
always your number 1 fan
The wonderful thing about the universe
is the indisputable fact that no one
not even over paid athletes
can escape karma
I think instead of jail
they should toss Mr. Vick into the Georgia Dome
with 3 or 4 grumpy lions
Perhaps it would be more painful
to make Mr.Vick donate all his money
and cars
and houses
and bling
to a pit bull rescue league
and then make him clean kennels
with supervision at all the animal shelters across the country
what else will he have to do when he gets out of prison?
I'm praying for your vile soul.
Cause your gonna need it
According to the news
Saddam Hussein is more likable than you.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Is Crispy Cat Once-A-Day XR right for you?
No one wants to talk about it.
It's too sensitive and you don't want to look like the bad guy.
But that nagging feeling won't go away, you know something is wrong.
Now is the time to do something about it.
Selling out and becoming corporate affects millions of Americans everyday. You're not alone, it's not your fault, there is help.
Corporatitis is a medical condition that is treatable but in order to heal you must recognize there is a problem. The following is a list of signs and symptoms of corporateitis
Now with Crispy Cat Once-a -day XR you too can over come corporateitis. and regain control of your life.
Who does corporateitis affect? Everyone.
Where does corporateitis hurt? Everywhere
Signs and Symptoms of Corporateitis
It's too sensitive and you don't want to look like the bad guy.
But that nagging feeling won't go away, you know something is wrong.
Now is the time to do something about it.
Selling out and becoming corporate affects millions of Americans everyday. You're not alone, it's not your fault, there is help.
Corporatitis is a medical condition that is treatable but in order to heal you must recognize there is a problem. The following is a list of signs and symptoms of corporateitis
Now with Crispy Cat Once-a -day XR you too can over come corporateitis. and regain control of your life.
Who does corporateitis affect? Everyone.
Where does corporateitis hurt? Everywhere
Signs and Symptoms of Corporateitis
- Sudden changes in dress attire.
- Loss of interest in having fun or laughing
- Wanting to purchase a BMW or get hair plugs
- Loss of facial expression and absence of sense of humor.
- Watching Fox news
- Talking to self in public and then playing it off like it's a bluechip ear piece
- Sudden loss of personality due to android or robotic implant.
- Talk of "doing lunch" or having imagery people. e.g. "I'll have my people call your people"
- Increased or frequent urination or sudden bowel changes. Constipation may arise from having a stick up the butt.
- Changes in sleeping habits e.g. sleeping with your secretary
- Frequent or reoccurring thoughts of stocks, bonds and shareholders.
- Marionette strings on the back of hands and on top of feet.
The following statements are signs of early onset type 2 corporatitis
"Time is money"
"Heads are gonna roll"
"I have a wife and kids?"
" I don't care if they are nuns, lets sue their asses!"
"I would rather live beyond my means and drown in debt then look like a nobody. Everyone knows that having stuff and looking good is what really matters."
Early detection is best but it's never too late.
Contact your local Tree Huggin' Treats representative or health care provider to see if Crispy Cat Once-a-day XR is right for you.
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