How to lose a digit

This "how to" is dedicated to my friend Mary, a gal that loves to blow stuff up.

* Consult with your health care practitioner before starting this or any other program. Results not typical. The writer is not responsible for any outcome, do not try this at home if you plan on suing me.*

Do you love playing with firecrackers even when it's not the 4th of July?
Do you get a thrill out of ignoring all the instructions and warnings on the package?
Do you want to look legit in the world of backyard pyrotechnics?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions then this "how to" is for you.

Everyone knows that in the world of amateur fireworks, nothing gets you street credit faster then losing a finger.
Nothing shouts "Bad Ass" like a dude with a bandaged hand or a chick with a gnarly stump.
When the guy with 8 fingers invites you to his house for the 4th you just know you're going to see something cool.
So, what's stopping you from becoming that guy?
Just 10 little things stand between you and your dreams.
Now let's learn how to make your dreams a reality.

Step 1 Have an earnest desire to blow stuff up. Honestly assess how far you are willing to go for your passion. If you really want to look cool you have to be able to sacrifice. And as far as a sacrifice goes, a finger is not so bad. Do you really need all 10? Just go within and the answer will come.

Step 2 Go to South Carolina and buy as many of the biggest and craziest fireworks as you can. Make sure you get some of the smaller ones as well, they are great for blowing off a pinkie or a two. A nice variety will do nicely. It's important to cover all your bases, so you may want to consult with a professional.

Step 3 Get a few cans from the recycling bin. Look specifically for cans with a warning label that indicates they are unsafe to put explosives in. Use your imagination, get creative, think outside the box.

Step 4 is to have a party before the 4th of July. This ensures that when you do have your rocking party on the 4th everyone will have already heard how you blew one of your fingers off.

Step 5 Now it's time to get down to business. Get really amped up! Get excited and excite everyone around you. Let all your inhibitions go. Light firecracker after firecracker, and throw them wildly around. Toss one at a friend and yell, "WE'RE PLAYING HOT POTATO". They will instinctively try to catch it and then toss it back immediately. By the time it gets back to your hand...bye bye pointer finger!
If your friends refuse to play...just keep setting them off and eventually you're bound to get lucky. Either way do not give up. Remember, this is your dream and it's worth chasing after.

*Important note: Know your limits, you don't want to take it too far.

Studies indicate that 9 out of 10 attractive women agree that men who are missing up to but not exceeding 3 fingers are more desirable and better dancers then those who possess all 10.

Studies also indicate that 10 out of 10 women agree that accidentally blowing your eye out with a cherry bomb is not sexy.

Also, I don't recommend losing your thumb. Remember your thumb is what separates you from your dog. It is a known fact that 9 out of 10 dogs are smarter than their owners. It is only the lack of a thumb that has prevented your dog from running up big bills on your cell phone and using ATM machines to drain your bank account and basically take over your life. And lets face it, the way your life seems to be going ,your dog might be better suited to take care of you instead of the other way around. So think carefully before you blow it off.

It's important to remember that even if you blow off your hand or lose your hearing, it was not in vain. This country was founded by people who dared to follow a dream, brave men not afraid to put it all on the line. That is the American dream. The pursuit of happiness and all that other stuff is your birth right. So go out and stick that illegal explosive in a metal lunch box and see what freedoms come flying out!

Now it's time to enjoy your new found fame and notoriety as well as cash in on all the sympathy from the opposite sex. You will have so many dates you won't know what to do with yourself. Amputees are totally in this season.

With a little hard work and patience you too can be living the life you have always wanted but never thought you could have!