In-laws and enemas. You do the math.

I have been away for 4 days.

I accompanied Teddydigtal to a wedding in PA.

If I were to fully document the events of this trip, I would have to go into the wittiness protection program.

This I am willing to do.

This trip was a non-stop, never ending all you can eat buffet of bizarre human behavior. And I just kept getting up for seconds.

In all fairness 98% of the people who encountered me on this trip probably thought I was either
a) The one with the bizarre behavior
b) totally rude and lacking social graces
c) A person out on a pass from a mental hospital
d) All of the above and then some

Who knows and who cares. One of the smartest things I have ever heard came from the chafed lips of a crack head I knew when I lived in NYC. She said that what other people thought of her was none of her business. I thought that was brilliant and I have carried that around with me ever since. Of course I don't live it. In fact I tend to act as if the opposite were true, insisting people tell me what they think of me and then demanding that they change it.

I feel bad for my father in law because he had the painful job of shuttling Teddydigital and I to and from the airport and to and from various other activities. It doesn't seem like it would be the sort of task that would make a person want to drive off a bridge, but actually it is.

There is just something about being around parents and siblings that has a time machine type of effect on me. And as it would turn out, it has the same effect on Teddydigital. ( It may have that effect on a lot of people, but I don't like to speak for other people, unless they are about to say something bad about me, then I have no problem jumping in.)

As my father-in-law preformed his parental duties Teddydigital and I laughed, shrieked and flung ourselves all over the back seat of his luxury sedan. We alternated wiping boogers on Teddydigital's brother and making out. As soon as it was announced that we were running late to go to an uncle's house because we took too long at the last gas station, my bladder felt dangerously full and I begged and whined until my FIL had no choice but to pull over. When asked why I didn't go to the bathroom at the last gas station I gave the standard reply of I didn't have to go then. I also mentioned that it may have had something to do with the big bottle of water I purchased at the last gas station, but I couldn't say for sure.
When my FIL asked if I would give him a shoulder rub for a minute because he had been driving for hours I hostilely refused, even though I 'm a massage therapist by trade. When he asked a second time I said OK and took my shoe off and proceeded to try and do it with my foot. That didn't go over very well.

After a while we settled down a little and started having some conversation. It seemed like the adult and mature thing to do. I remembered that its polite to ask seasoned citizens about how their health is. I also remembered that my FIL had some serious stomach problems the last time he came to visit. Actually, every time he comes to visit he has some sort of bowel disruption. I think he dose it on purpose so he can have an excuse to lay down and watch T.V. and not be forced to participate in excruciating family activities. It's brilliant if you think about it. Almost 100% fool proof. After all who in their right mind would force a person with diarrhea to go sigh seeing? Exactly. Kudos FIL for being so clever. But on that particular day not even a bout of dysentery could save him from spending quality time with his son and daughter- in -law.
He seemed to light up at the chance to discuss his colon. He went on to tell me all about what he had experienced in the last few weeks, how he went to the doctor and how he gets colonoscopy every 3 years. It was real edge of your seat type of stuff.

Then he told us how every Saturday night after the Jackie Gleason show his aunt gave him and his brother and enema. I was glued to my seat. It struck me that this is not as unusual as it seems. I remember my father reliving the first time my great aunt Maria meet my mother's cousin Mary. Apparently cousin Mary mentioned she wasn't feeling well and my great aunt, being the good hostess that she was, did what any person in her position would do. She offered to give Mary an enema, and Mary who wasn't raised by wolves, did what any other person in her position would do and accepted.

Fast forward a few years to the time I was sick and didn't feel up to going on a family trip to see our great grandparent's name at Ellis Island. My great aunt Maria couldn't see letting a stomach ache stop me from going to appreciate her parents arrival into America. She announced all I needed was an enema and I would be fine. I felt my blood run cold as I watched her tiny, puckered body, draped in a house coat head toward the bathroom. Thank God my mother stepped in when she did. I would hate to have to fight an 87 year old woman but I'm not going down like that.

I wonder how many people still believe in the mystical healing powers of the enema?

If you have been cured of a major medical or mental illness by an enema administered to you by your aunt or great aunt you could be a guest on our show.